Let This Moment be the First Chapter
by MindAtWork
Summary: Sequel to Like You Need it to Survive. Alexander is starting to trust, believe that maybe he's worth some good, but John? Isn't John too good? Maybe, but that won't stop Alexander from trying. Lams and Mullette.
1. Chapter 1

**Welcome to the newest installment of the Like You Need it to Survive universe. Thank you so much for coming and reading this story. I am eternally grateful for reviews.**

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It had been almost four months since our trip to South Carolina. Cooler winter weather settled into the New York City air. In the months since our trip that ended in the plague, we'd gotten closer, settled into a coziness with each other. We worked on most projects at work together, his pictures giving breath to my words… once it became clear that we were together we got to sit through a lengthy HR lecture and sign about a million pieces of paperwork in legal jargon agreeing that we wouldn't sue the Post if shit ended badly between us or that we wouldn't fuck in the copy room, so far we'd held up one half of that agreement…hey, _no one's being sued_.

Most nights my apartment went unused, spending more time at John's. I'd grown closer with Lafayette and Hercules, embracing the idea of friendship as much as I could. Accepting that just maybe I was worthy of some good things, or even if I wasn't worthy of it, there'd been enough of a glitch in the Matrix for some goodness to fall into my lap.

At John's persuasion, I'd started therapy about two months ago, starting to unpack some of my shit, it was slow going and I still didn't hold out much hope, I'd put my foot down when anxiety medication was suggested, reminding the therapist that James Bonsack didn't invent a cigarette-making machine for me to take anxiety medication, _pry my smokes from my cold, dead hands._

John had gotten home from South Carolina last night, he'd said it was his first time home for Thanksgiving in four years, I hadn't seen him since he'd left... _I missed him_. I couldn't swing the time off and grudgingly joined Hercules and Lafayette at a 'friendsgiving' at their apartment with a few of their work colleagues.

My phone rang, the ringtone John set for himself to differentiate his calls from intrusions by the rest of the world, he'd made me promise to answer my phone when he called, at least text him that I was busy, or couldn't talk, or didn't want to, said it stressed him out when he couldn't get a hold of me. I answered this time.

"Sup?" I asked, tearing my eyes away from my computer screen, the after image of staring at the glowing text for too long printing itself on the wall.

"Can I come over? I missed you."

"Missed you, too. Come on over, or well, I'm pretty close to done with what I'm doing, I can just come over."

"Nope, wanna come to you."

This was unusual, John was a creature of habit, preferred the comfort of his own place most of the time, couldn't say I blamed him as I looked at the plaster peeling in the corner of my kitchen.

"O-Okay, yeah, sure, see you soon."

He hung up and I put on the kettle for him, _I own a tea kettle now. That's a thing. Tea's dumb, like fake coffee, but he likes it._

By the time he arrived, the tea was done steeping, I'd perfected the time to a science. He squeezed me tight, his taller frame melting into me, he inhaled deeply, I held him, only then realizing how much I'd missed him, the amber smell of his cologne with the clean scent of his laundry detergent, the strawberries in his hair, his warmth, how conveniently we fit together. I pulled back and offered him his tea, realizing only then how sad he looked.

"What's the matter?" I tucked my feet under his thigh, knees to my chest on the couch.

I watched his jaw muscles work as he gnawed at his cheek. _He's leaving me. Wised up, spent the week with Jem telling him all the reasons I'm a piece of shit, Martha reminding him he could do better._ I swallowed the panic, _it was only a matter of time before it happened._

"Laf's moving out." He said it slowly, like each word caused him pain.

I dropped my head against the couch, consumed by relief that I could still claim him, "oh, thank God."

"What?"

"No-nothing, sorry, I'm sorry. I, uh, wow…that sucks."

My head spun with relief, I'm more attached to him than what makes any good sense, but I guess that's love.

"Yeah, him and Hercules finally want to get a place together. Wanna move to Hell's Kitchen, and start their lives together, I guess...We've lived together for like eight or nine years, though, except for right after my mom died. He's my best friend, so I mean, yeah, I'm happy for him, but he's my best friend and I'm never gonna see him now. No more staying up for 'just one more episode,' no more flour fights when he's trying to bake because I think it's funny that it takes him forever to get it out of his hair, no more getting drunk on Wednesday nights just because we have nothing better to do, no more reenacting Les Miserables because he likes to sing it in French and I like to make barricades out of every couch cushion and pillow in the house. No more of any of that." His eyes were swimming. As I basked in relief that he was still _mine,_ staying with me I could understand why Lafayette wanted to move in with the man he loved, spend every possible moment together. The thought of being without him was dizzying.

I leaned over and held him to me, sliding him against my chest so he fit between my legs, kissed his hair, "querido, he's still going to be your best friend."

"I know, I'm just… scared that I'm gonna be left behind, that he's gonna move away and forget all about me, out of sight, out of mind." The tears were real now, breaking through his lashes like they were pillow-fort barricades.

"No one can forget about you, John. Especially not him, he's your best friend. Fuck, I was jealous of him for a long time because of how much he loves you."

Tears and laughter coincided into a hiccupy cacophony and John turned to look at me, tearful eyes crinkled by the smile on his lips, "you were jealous… of Laf?"

Embarrassment flushed my cheeks and I bit my lip, looking at the ground, "yeah, how could I not be? You're like each other's other half, I didn't think there was a place for me." _Corny as hell._

"Oh, my God, babe. That's, whew, that's hilarious. I mean, not-not that you were jealous, but that you thought that Lafayette could-" he choked off with laughter, but quickly composed himself seeing me still staring at the ground, "no, he's my best friend, but no, not even a little bit."

I relaxed a little bit and my mind started churning, focusing on the practical, and trying to decide how mad I was at the Frenchman for making my John - _mine, not his_ \- upset, "so when are they moving?"

"They want to by Christmas... we've spent every Christmas together."

I stroked his hair, "I'm sure you still can. He's not moving back to France or anything."

"I know, but he'll want to spend it with Herc, which I get, I'm not a selfish asshole, I just… it's weird and new and different."

"We'll spend Christmas together." I consoled him, rubbing his neck.

"Yeah?"

"I mean, if not I'm gonna be here drinking and eating Chinese takeout alone like every other year so, yeah, I figure, I don't have plans in the way." I ribbed.

"Alone on Christmas?"

"Yup."

"Every year?"

"Yup."

This made the tears start again and he leaned into me, holding tightly, comforting me, I didn't need comfort, _facts are facts, and when you don't have family and don't have friends, one fact is you're alone for Christmas._

"Well, you're never gonna spend another Christmas alone again."

I smiled at him and smoothed his hair, my mind turned back to the practical, "so is your lease up next month?"

"No, why?"

"Well, it's pretty shitty of him to just bail on you. I mean, your place can't be cheap."

He shrugged, "we haven't figured out all the details yet, but I'm not worried about it, my dad's-"

"Your orphan money."

"Gah, I wish you wouldn't call it that."

"Inheritance sounds too pompous, you're so not that, I taste bile when I hear the word inheritance, or ugh, worse yet, trust fund."

"But I do have a trust fund, Alex, I get it in a couple years."

"Ack, blegh, rich people." I shuddered and pulled a face.

He rolled his eyes, "okay, my dad's life insurance policy, uh, I don't know what else to call the rest of it, it's an inheritance."

"Orphan money."

Another eye roll, "whatever, that money means I can still live there, no problem."

"Still think it's shitty of him to just bail on you."

"Well, I mean he mentioned that he could keep paying rent until the lease is up and I figure out what I'm gonna do."

"What do you think you're gonna do?"

"I don't know, I like where I live, but it's a little much for just me."

"You can make his room a studio, or a darkroom." I tried to get him excited at the prospect of more space.

His lips twitched, "that could be kind of cool, but I was thinking it could be an office."

"I mean, isn't a studio like the artist's equivalent of an office?"

"For artists, yeah, but not for writers, writers get offices, er- studies?"

"Semantics. But, John, you don't write, hell, your linguistic prowess is sending texts with spelling errors, they make autocorrect for a reason."

"Ouch, but if you shut up a minute, I think I should make it a study because I want it to be your study-"

I cut him off, "-okay, that seems a little ridiculous, don't you think? I'm over there a lot, but if anything it should be-"

It was his turn to cut me off, "-Alexander, I want it to be your study because I want it to be your home. I've got the room, Lafayette gets to live with the man he loves, I want to, too, will you move in with me?"

My mouth fell open, I closed it, but like a broken hinge it fell open again, "pause. Cigarette."

He smiled knowingly and patted my knee as I got up to go outside, "you can smoke in here, love, it smells like smoke all the time in here anyway."

"Fresh air." I explained and slipped out the door.

I crouched against the struts of the fire escape and took a steeling breath, lighting my smoke with shaky hands. In twenty minutes I'd gone from thinking he was leaving me to him asking me to live with him. _The fuck do you do with that?_ My head cleared with the assistance of the nicotine and after the cigarette burned to the filter I took a deep breath, smoothed out my clothes and went back inside, John was just waiting on the couch, phone in hand, scrolling instagram, he smiled at me. I settled back against him.

"So what do you say?" he tucked a piece of hair behind my ear.

"I… I don't think I can pull my weight. John, your place is a little out of my tax bracket."

"Well, Laf's gonna pay until the lease is up and we'll go from there."

"I don't want you for your money." My cheeks burned as I tore at a scab on my lip with my teeth, licking away the copper taste I drew, wincing at the pain of tearing more than just the scab away.

"I never thought that, I just want to be with you. It's not about the money."

"It's easy for it to 'not be about money' when you're the one with money."

"I'm not on the other side of this, but I promise it doesn't matter to me. I just want you. So?"

"I… Okay." I licked at the bloody spot on my lip.

"Yeah?" He grinned.

"Okay, my lease isn't up till summer, though, so, logistically, I don't know how that's gonna pan out, fuck, I can barely afford this shithole."

"We can make this my studio!"

"What?"

He tucked his knees under him and started gesticulating like a drowning child, "yeah, yeah, yeah, your bedroom can be my darkroom cause it's the perfect size, and then out here I can set up a drafting table and some easels. That way we aren't wasting it, and that should make you feel better about me covering rent at our place, because you're the one paying for _my_ studio."

I mulled it over, "that's… that's actually perfect, that seems reasonable. Fair."

He attacked me in a hug, "Alex, I'm so excited," he cupped my face, "this is good."

"It is good." I nodded and smiled, nuzzling his neck.


	2. Chapter 2

**Did you guys think I disappeared? Sorry about that, my day job got in the way (as much as I delude myself that I'm a full time writer, I have a full time job that kidnaps my free time. I'm also getting married soon and that's a free time eater, too. I think next chapter will come quickly though. Thank you for reading and THANK YOU thank you thank you for your reviews, they are my inspiration.**

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John had been melancholy, not his usual chipper self. Lafayette and Hercules found a place in Hell's Kitchen and they were moving in the morning, a week earlier than anticipated. I was going to move in with John this weekend. In the combination of households it was decided that Lafayette would leave most of the furniture behind and they'd use Herc's and obviously we'd get rid of my stuff and use what was at John's… _our_ apartment. I hadn't all the way come to terms with the loss of autonomy. I'd been on my own for almost a decade and I love John, but I love having my own space to retreat to. To go radio silent for a day or two when I need to get work done or when I'm pissed off or sad. I was nervous to let him see all of those things. I hadn't lived with anyone since college and even that was just a crash pad, I stayed so busy that I never really saw my roommates, not even my college boyfriend. Alone was my normal, and here I was giving that up.

My apartment was in boxes around me, couch already hauled to the dumpster, the handiwork of John and Hercules. I was struggling to focus on my work with John's stream of consciousness text messages flooding my phone. The buzz a steady heartbeat on my desk. I lit a smoke and rubbed my eyes, checking the texts that had been coming in at supersonic speed.

 **He's all packed.**

 **This sucks.**

 **It looks empty in here.**

 **I think I found the perfect desk for you.**

 **I'm excited for this weekend.**

 **You're stuck with me after that. ;)**

 **Are you working?**

 **Are you made?**

 ***made**

 ****mad**

 **See thia is why I dont use autocorrect.**

 ***this**

 **Sorry. I'll stop texting you. I know your trying to work.**

 **I love you.**

I unpacked all of the messages and texted him back.

 **Sorry it sucks. I bet it's a great desk, just don't waste too much money on it. I'm already stuck with you, aren't I? Yes, I'm working. No, I'm not mad. Autocorrect is your friend. I love you too.**

The three little dots signifying him writing his response hit instantly.

 **What are you working on?**

I responded.

 **Little story about Amazon killing Christmas shopping. Photo request will probably hit your desk by Friday.**

… he was typing.

 **Fun. Are you still coming over to help tomorrow?**

I'd agreed to help Lafayette move, even though it was implied that I'd mostly be there to keep John happy and out of the way.

 **I'll be there. Probably about 9, should I bring some of my stuff?**

I'd been taking loads to John's… _our_ apartment, one suitcase at a time. There wasn't too much left. I didn't have a lot to begin with, but it would be less for the movers to contend with on Saturday.

 **Yeah. See you then. Get back to work. Night.**

I sent him a goodnight and tried to calm his mind. Tomorrow would be hard on him.

Sleep did not find me easily. I started at the ceiling, frustrated, everything was changing for everyone. No consistency to cling to, no branch to grab, just the swirl of chaos. I got back up and kept working, hoping that John would get used to my long hours. When it was just us spending time together, it was easier to shirk responsibilities, but full time, I still had shit to do. I'd still keep odd hours, no matter the level of domesticity.

My alarm startled me, I flung myself out of bed and tripped into a box, barely able to right myself. I got dressed and threw some shit in my suitcase, not even sure what I was grabbing. It didn't matter. It was all going anyway. I dressed myself quickly and poured a cold cup of coffee into my travel mug. Tied back my hair and shoved my feet into some Vans. On the subway I sent John an 'on my way' text.

I hauled my suitcase into his… _our_ building, grateful for the elevator, it would be way easier moving Lafayette out than moving me in. When I got upstairs it was ordered chaos, Lafayette was snapping at Hercules to be careful and John was flitting around rearranging boxes and keeping himself busy.

"Hey." I waved to the room.

"Morning, babe." John kissed me.

"Hey." Hercules fist bumped me.

"I am so glad you are here, kidnap John, we could all use coffee, please both of you go?" Lafayette's smile was tight, eyes wide, hair slipping out of his ponytail in a disarray around his face, tight curls stuck to his face with sweat.

"C'mon, that's our queue." I put a shepherd's hooking arm around John and pulled him to the door.

"You sure you don't need me?" John tried to pull away.

"Promise." Lafayette smiled and reached out for John's hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze.

"You won't leave until I come back?"

"No, I will still be here."

We left the apartment, John finally accepting my arm around him, nuzzled against me as we waited for the elevator.

"You alright?" I asked him.

He nodded, "it's weird."

"It is, but you're okay."

"It's just, I, well, you get it… We moved here together, big city, big change from his sleepy French town, and well, you've seen where I lived in South Carolina. We made this city ours. I just, it's so different. But I have you, and you know the city even more than me, and we'll have our special places and traditions and stuff."

"We will. It will be good." I hoped I sounded reassuring as I smiled up at him.

The rest of the day was long and taxing, despite the chill in the air, our four bodies ran with sweat as we loaded the moving pod, once the truck picked it up we were exhausted and starving. I volunteered to pick up dinner between apartments, Lafayette refused vehemently, insisting that pizza had to be delivered to and eaten at the new apartment, John agreed that it's a christening ritual. Hercules and I shrugged. We sat in a circle on the floor of the mostly empty apartment and ate our dinner on the floor, pizza in the middle.

Lafayette finished his piece and leaned heavily against Hercules, he'd shed his hoodie and shirt, looking the most pedestrian I'd ever seen him in just a tank top.

"Alright, guys. Let's get this shit over with." Hercules adjusted his headband, looking rather karate kid.

We all grudgingly got up and started the journey down two flights of stairs, John protested the lack of an elevator. I reminded him that elevators weren't the norm, certainly not staffed ones. Laf made a comment that he didn't mind the stairs since it would make his ass look good, Hercules slapped it on the way outside in agreement. I hoisted a side table and watched in terror as John and Hercules finagled the sectional around the staircases. Lafayette watched and swore in French. I couldn't help but chuckle at the colourful bouquet of profanity he was orally arranging. It was long dark by the time we were finished, muscles aching and cramping, fingers numb from the chill, damp with sweat, but cold nonetheless. John and I bid the men farewell and a happy first night and we left, taking the fifteen minute subway ride to _our_ apartment. By this point even I was grateful for the elevator. We threw ourselves at the couch and rested, too tired to move, too disgusted by ourselves to go to bed.

"Just think, we get to do it all over again in two days." John remarked.

"It won't be nearly as bad, there's just a handful of boxes, I'm down to a duffel bag of clothing."

"But you only brought over two little suitcases of clothes." John furrowed his brow.

"Yeah, that's it." I shrugged.

"Seriously?"

"Yeah, I have like three pairs of jeans, handful of shirts, couple pairs of sweats and a few hoodies, like 12 pairs of boxers, dozen socks."

He stared in shock, "that's like nothing."

"I'm poor, remember."

"I just… I guess you are?"

"It's not a question, querido, it just is."

"I'm glad you don't have to worry anymore."

I looked at the ground, "I still don't want a hand out."

He was too tired to be properly exasperated with me and just sighed, "Alex will you stop. It brings me joy to spend my dad's dirty, shitty money on you. On us."

That thought helped marginally.

"...okay, need shower." He grumbled and forced himself to stand.

After his shower I took one, finding him in bed afterwards, talking on the phone.

"Do you like it? ...You're sleeping on the floor? Allen wrenches… uh, I'll look. I hope you like it once you have a bed... You guys didn't buy food? Do you want to all go get breakfast in the morning? ...I can go in late."

He was twirling a wet strand of hair around his finger like a high school girl, the rest of the damp curls dripped on his bare chest and down to his pillow. I sat on the bed next to him and retrieved the lotion from his side table, pumped some into my hands and moved his hair to the side to massage his shoulders, he leaned back into my touch, his body relaxing. I could hear Laf monologuing through the phone and took John's lull in conversation as an opportunity to kiss a trail down from his ear to his neck and back, still rubbing his tired shoulders. He pushed against my body and shot a glance at me through his lashes.

"Okay… Good luck. Call me tomorrow… Yup… Good night… I will." He hung up the phone, "you're such a fucking tease."

I laughed into the nape of his neck, running my tongue against his hairline, he shivered, "what are you gonna do about it?" I growled into his hair.

"Probably take some aspirin and go to bed, but I'll have really sexy dreams about you and almost certainly wake up incredibly sexually frustrated."

I stretched my own tired body, "hook a brother up with some of that aspirin, though."

He rooted in his nightstand and produced a small pill bottle. We each took a palmful and then cuddled into each other, too beaten and worn to do anything but hold one another.

"I'm glad you're here tonight." He whispered.

"Me too, and every night." I kissed him in the darkness.


	3. Chapter 3

**Poor Alex, we're going three steps forward two steps back, you know I'll give you some cavities eventually, gotta ride the waves first. Thank you for reading and as always for reviewing. And thank you all for your congratulations on my impending nuptials. Enjoy!**

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My move had been uneventful. Painfully easy by comparison of moving Lafayette out. In our week of cohabiting, nothing much had changed. John was right about the desk he'd found, it _was_ perfect, dark wood, and bookcases on either side behind it. Lafayette's old bedroom became my refuge, a space for me as it slowly turned into a study. I melded into life with John. We were adapting to each other's idiosyncrasies. Laf still spent a good deal of time over, but his and Herc's company was pleasant and I found myself looking forward to it.

I was up late, trying to finish a piece that was purely meaningless drivel. There was a tap at the door, I checked the time, it was after two in the morning, and looked up from the book I was reading and invited John in. He held two bowls.

"Cereal break?" He offered a bowl of cocoa puffs to me and perched on the edge of my desk.

I took the bowl and closed my book.

"Thanks."

"What are you working on?" He eyeballed the book I'd been reading.

"Oh, I was just taking a little mental detour, just reading for a few minutes, working up the gumption to finish my draft. This story I'm working on's particularly facile."

He set his bowl down and picked up the book inspecting it like it might hurt him, "Alex, this is one of my dad's old law textbooks. You're reading this for...fun?"

"Well, yeah. I hadn't picked one up for a while."

"A law book?"

"Yeah. Didn't you know I double majored in journalism and pre-law?"

"You did? I just knew about the journalism part."

"No, I was gonna do the lawyer thing, but by the time I got my degree I was sinking in student loans and was able to find a decent journalism job, the rest is history."

John stared at me unblinking, "damn, you just get more amazing at every given opportunity. So you sometimes just read textbooks?"

I shrugged, "looked interesting. You're the one who put it on my bookshelf."

"Well, yeah, but I didn't think you'd ever just read it," he laughed and started eating his cereal, "it looks all 'grown up study,' but I figured it'd be more like a prop." he told me around a mouthful of cocoa puffs.

"You going to bed soon? I can probably be done working for tonight, Adams doesn't need this until the afternoon."

"We can go to bed if you're ready."

We finished our snack and got ready to go to sleep, still learning the best way to make our night time routine more compatible. In bed John turned the lights out and wrapped me in his arms, he started to play with my hair, I pushed his hand away.

"Don't, I'm gross, I meant to take a shower today, but I got stuck on that fucking article, my hair's disgusting."

He dropped his hand to my hip, tracing the bone. We both fell asleep quickly.

In the morning John was still sleeping when I left him, out the door later than I wanted to be, still unshowered. I drafted more of the story on the ride to work, putting the finishing touches on it once I got to the office. I fired it off to Adams and received an email back almost immediately requesting to see me in his office. _Great, another meeting that should just be an email, that's why they made email._

I refractorily made my way to his office.

"Mr. Hamilton." His tone was curt.

"Adams."

"Have a seat."

 _Oh great, whatever this is is gonna take for-fucking-ever._

"Alexander, you know that paper news is trending down, our paper, once a leading source of news for the whole country and like so many others in league with our publication it's fading into obscurity. That's been the trend since even before you were hired, you've been instrumental in keeping material current and interesting," he smiled, trying to make a joke, "not bad for a Creole bastard." His joke fell flat.

"What is this about?"

"Mr. Hamilton, in order to keep the Post alive, we need to strengthen our accessibility to online consumers, you know we've worked on shortening article length and adding more visual elements, but unfortunately we're having to restructure," I tasted bile as he spoke, "part of restructuring is that we can't keep everyone. Alexander I'm sorry, and I thank you for all you've done for the Post, but we have to let you go. It's just not in the budget. You're a damned good writer, but we need a team who makes more digestible content. That's just not you. Go to HR, they'll discuss your severance."

I saw red and gripped the chair before flinging myself out of it. He started to hoist himself out of his own chair to shake my hand, I leaned over the table and sneered. "Sit down, John, you fat motherfucker. Funny isn't it, I'm the one who gets canned, but let me ask this: who sits at your desk when you're in Massachusetts? You nuisance with no sense. Keep your fucking severance! What, a week's pay for me to sign a non-disparagement agreement? Forget that, I'm gonna disparage the fuck out of you, your shitty severance package won't make me change my mind. At least I did my job up in this rumpus!" I turned on my heel and walked to the door before wheeling back around to flip him off with both hands as I backed out of his office.

I stomped back to my cubicle and threw what little of my personal effects I had accumulated into my messenger bag and stomped out of the office, rode the elevator alone and stormed out of the building. _Need a fucking drink._ I smoked a cigarette on the way to the subway. _Fuck._

 _Fuck._

 _What do I do now?_

I leaned forward in the hard plastic seat on the train, elbows on my knees, head in my hands, stringy hair falling in my face.

 _What do I do?_

 _Fuck._

I made it to Sofrito and ordered a whiskey neat. Miguel looked at my face and left the bottle. I downed two fingers and poured myself more, dragging a journal and pen out of my satchel and started working, pen cap between my teeth. By the time I'd emptied myself of words, the once half full bottle was empty. I closed my journal and put it back away, seeing the notification light flashing on my phone. Messages from John. _John. Fuck._

 **Lunch?**

 **Where'd you go?**

 **Did you leave?**

 **Are you sick?**

I shoved my phone back in the bag and drew out my wallet.

"This one's on me, looked like you need it." Miguel dried a glass.

I left a ten on the bar anyway and walked out. The air held a chill and flurries spun in the wind. I took the subway to our apartment, feeling drunker than I realized. _At least I feel empty, too._ The hot rage had dissipated, logic crept in around my fuzzy edges. Maybe I should have taken the severance package, at least help a little before I just mooch off of John. _Dammit, freeloader, he's gonna leave, gonna finally think it's all about the money._ I tasted blood and realized how hard I'd been biting my lip.

Back at the apartment I locked myself in my study, a study that I no longer needed. I opened the window in the small room and chain smoked the rest of the pack. _Christ._

Finally, the door opened, I winced at the sound of it shutting, bracing myself for the conversation to be had.

"Alex?" John called, "babe? Are you home?"

"I-" my voice caught, "I'm in here." _Shitshitshit._

He opened the door and worry knit his brows together as he shed his winter layers.

"Hi, babe, where'd you go earlier? Are you okay?" he sniffed the air, "are you smoking in here? I thought we agreed, never mind, are you alright?"

I steeled myself, the drunkenness from earlier had settled into a headache, "...John, I…" I hung my head, my hair curtaining my face, I angrily gripped it, tossing it out of the way. I ran a hand over my face, tugging at my goatee. John crouched beside my chair, hands on my knees.

"What is it, babe?"

The heavy breath I let out fluttered the ringlets that had slipped out of his ponytail around his face, "I got fired."

He put his head in my lap and hugged my thighs, "oh, Alex. Darlin', I'm sorry." His accent slipping just a little.

"Do you want me to go?"

"What? Don't be ridiculous. Why'd they fire you? Because of us?"

"No, apparently I don't make digestible enough content."

"Bullshit," he reached up and stroked my cheek, "you're the best writer I know."

"Guess not."

"Don't beat yourself up, babe."

I shrugged, "I'm gonna start looking, find something, I'll figure out how to pull my weight."

"Alex, I'm not worried about it."

"I am. What, now you have to pay rent for two places?"

"Alexander, it doesn't matter. None of that matters, I just want to make sure you're okay."

"I'm fine."

"I don't believe you." He was grinning, knew me too well.

"Well, I am." I bluffed, my body tensing.

"You want to be alone, don't you?"

I shrugged.

"I'll let you be. Be in the other room when you want me." He stood up and kissed the top of my head.

With John on the other side of the door, I knew he'd call Laf, and within ten minutes the only friends I had would know what a colossal fuck up I was. _Colossal._

I picked back up writing my hatred out for Adams. Piece of garbage. _He wishes he had an ounce of the talent that I do._ Once I filled that journal I stopped, opening my computer to draft an email to one of my old college freelance contacts. _Gotta pull my weight._ I opened a new pack of cigarettes and started smoking while I waited for a reply, blatantly ignoring the 'don't smoke in the house' rule we'd agreed upon.

At about two a.m. John came and collected me, insisting that I could wallow more tomorrow. I disagreed, but let him drag me to our bed where I stared at the ceiling while he slept. I watched the sun rise through the window until his alarm went off, usually I was gone by now. He woke up and saw that I was awake.

"It's nice having you still in bed." He snuggled up to me.

"Yeah." I sighed, too tired to say much else.

"I'm gonna go to the gym before I go to work, want to come with me? It's a good stress reliever."

"I'm good. I'm gonna lay here all day, like a lazy welfare queen."

"Stop it, you'll find a new job, it hasn't even been 24 hours."

I rolled my eyes and he got up and dressed for the gym, tossing work clothes into his duffel bag. I watched from under the covers. He kissed me goodbye. It took three more hours before my bladder won the war of attrition and I stomped off to the bathroom. On my way back to the bedroom I detoured by the freezer, Lafayette had left some fruity vodka. _Good enough._ I took the bottle back to bed. Frost clung to the window, thawing in the middle in rainy streaks as I drank.

John was at work. John who had money, and didn't need to work, I was day drinking. John was supporting our household, I was in my pajamas. John was making a name for himself, I was watching pigeons fly outside. I got up and went outside - taking the duvet, wrapped around me - and started smoking. I stared out at the city, people in high rises, working. Doing jobs. Having jobs. Nope. Not Alexander Piece-of-Shit Hamilton. Alexander Piece-of-Shit Hamilton day drinks and chain smokes in a blanket.

After a few smokes I lost the feeling in my fingers and trudged to my study, checked my email, Nathanael Greene, old college professor had emailed my back. I scanned it, laughing at myself for turning down the secretarial position he'd offered me a few years ago, insisting I was going to do something more important, make a name for myself. _Stupid._ He let me know about an upstart blog he was aware of that was looking for an editor, make some cash there. I emailed the contact he gave me. _Here's hoping._


	4. Chapter 4

**Hi again. Thank you so much for reading and reviewing, your kindness means the world to me. I hope you're enjoying this story, I love this Alex and John. Have some comfort-y fluff. Probably another new chapter this week**

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John got home and found me in my study, still in my pajamas, still wrapped in the duvet, still staring at my email inbox… waiting for work to come in. Waiting for anything to come in.

"Come on out, Alex, let's go do something."

I tightened my grip on the blanket, "go away."

He leaned against the door frame, "yeah, not gonna happen. I love you too much to let you keep doing this. Come on."

I shook my head and shifted down further in the chair.

"Alex, baby, come on, when's the last time you ate or moved or did anything other than drink coffee. It's been over a week." His eyes met the uneaten plate of breakfast he'd left me this morning before he went to work, still sitting on the corner of my desk.

I shrugged and he closed the distance between us, my sense of panic intensifying, everything telling me to run. He ran his fingers through my hair and pulled my head into his waist.

"John…" I started, not entirely sure where I wanted the sentence to end, he stopped me.

"Shh. Come here, the sad part is over. The wallowing part is over. Let's go and kick some ass. It's time for the angry part to come back."

"I don't want to."

"I know. But it's time, let's go. You need a shower, babe. Step one. We can do step one."

 _Shower... Mist. Rain. Water. Wet. Wind. Storm. Hurricane. Mama. Fire. Smell. Sick. Wet. Water. Rain. Mist._ My breathing sped up and I dug my nails into my hands, "no, no, no. I can't."

"Alexander, come on, love. Real quick."

I held back the urge to flee and let him escort me to the bathroom, he peeled the duvet away from me and bunched it up in the hallway. He turned on the shower, the pipes creaking as they filled, the sound of the water hitting the porcelain made a lump settle in my throat.

"Clothes off, let's do this," he rubbed my arm and looked at me sympathetically, adding with a grin, "I'll join you."

I was frozen, caught sight of myself in the mirror, scraggly stubble grew across my face, cheeks gaunt and sunken, bruise-purple under my eyes, creases in my forehead, hair in greasy strings, dandruff settled into the center partline. I was hard to look at.

John was still rubbing my arm, I had tuned him out but refocused, "what do you say, Alexander, easy way or hard way?"

With the shred of dignity I had I pulled my shirt off, not oblivious to the smell, and let it fall to the floor, I shed my pants as well.

"There ya go, well done, alright, come on." John stepped into the shower, now nude himself and offered a hand to me, I took it and stepped in, as far from the showerhead as I could be. He closed the curtain.

"I can take a shower by myself." I reminded him, voice acidic.

"I know you can, but I want to be with you. That okay?" he dropped his head back and let the water run over his face and hair. I swallowed hard, watching the droplets bounce off his skin and splash onto me. I recoiled at the sensation. _Mist. Rain. Water. Wet._

He lathered his strawberry shampoo into his hair and I felt my tension lose some of its footing, finally able to catch a full breath. John reached out a wet hand to me and I shied away from his touch.

"Your turn, love."

I nodded and let him slide his slick body past me as we traded places with each other, he ran his hand across my chest. The water hit, stinging like needles. _Mist. Rain. Water. Wet._ My breath caught and my knees quaked. He was encircling me. I tried to slow my breathing, panicking, couldn't breathe. _Water. Can't breathe? Drowning?_ I exhaled and realized the burn in my chest wasn't from drowning, but from holding my breath too long.

John was crooning in my ear, "okay, okay, you're safe. I gotcha, darlin', all okay. Alexander, hey, listen, you're alright."

I was drenched and leaned into his touch, convinced I'd fall over if not for his arms holding me up. The water washed away my fight and I stood there, breath coming in hiccups. He pulled back to look at me.

"Thank you." I mumbled as he started washing my hair.

"Shh, don't worry about it. I love you, do anything to make you okay." I leaned into him again, soapy forehead on his collarbone.

With the panic receding, I washed my body, he stayed with me despite being done showering. I went as quickly as possible, desperate to be done. He dried off and dressed himself, I dried myself, dragging the towel roughly over my skin, leaving red marks in its wake. I pulled on clothing he'd set out for me, including his hoodie that I loved so much.

"Alright, here, sit." He motioned to the toilet, I obliged, and then he started rummaged in the cupboard under the sink, retrieving a hairdryer, he uncoiled the cord and plugged it into the wall.

"I'm fine, stop fussing over me."

He ran the conditioning oil he insisted I use through my hair and combed the snares out with my brush. Once the week's worth of tangles were out he took the hairdryer in hand, "here, since you hate being wet so much," he smiled at me and turned the appliance on, drying my locks. It took a while, my hair thick and long, but he persisted.

"Thank you." I mumbled again once he was finished.

"Of course. Now, step one is done, you're so fresh and so clean, now step two, what will you eat? Anything in the whole world, we live in New York City, if you'll eat it, I'll find it, whether it's arroz con gandules or fucking borscht, I'll get it." He opened the door of the steamy bathroom and tossed the duvet onto our bed, I noticed he'd been sleeping under a tiny throw blanket and felt a pang of shame at leaving him to sleep cold and alone under the thin blanket. I followed him to the living room.

"Not hungry." I bit a loose hangnail on my thumb.

"Cool, well, that sucks because we're rapidly entering the 'you're gonna die' stage of not eating, so 'not hungry' is no longer a good enough answer. So what'll it be?"

"Just… whatever you want."

"Babe, I'll literally eat anything as long as you eat some too. I want to get something you'll at least try to eat. What sounds even kind of good?"

I thought about it, "can you just make some spaghetti or some shit?"

He screwed up his face, thinking, "I'm pretty sure we used the last jar of sauce, how about I go get you some from Giovanni's. Or if I'm going out do you want alfredo?"

I shrugged, "don't care. You sure you don't mind going out?"

"Not even a bit. Do you want to come?"

I shook my head, "it's too cold."

He grinned and kissed the top of my head before tucking his still wet hair under a beanie and wrapping himself in his jacket. He did the 'keys, wallet, phone' pat down before leaving. I curled fetal on the couch, wanting a cigarette, but feeling too lazy to get one. Exhaustion won me over and I fell asleep, not waking until John got back.

"Oh, you were asleep, that's good. Sorry, I took so long, okay, got lasagna, spaghetti with no meat sauce, spaghetti with meat sauce and chicken alfredo… and breadsticks. Take your pick, just please eat something."

I watched as he laid out the small tin pie pans and I grabbed the alfredo container and a breadstick. John tucked into his meatlessly sauced spaghetti and pretended not to watch me as I picked at the breadstick, eating a small bite, my stomach unsettled by the food after… I thought about it… three days since my last meal.

I ate the noodles at a birdlike pace, all my attention turned to convincing my mind that I was hungry, John finished his spaghetti and set the empty container down.

"Work sucks without you." John broke the silence.

I set my food on the table, done pretending I was eating, "at least you have a job."

John grabbed me by the shoulders and tugged my head into his lap, playing with my hair, "I'm sorry, I wasn't trying to complain, I just really liked being around you all day."

"Me too." I nuzzled into his stomach, not wanting my face exposed.

"I've been thinking, why don't you go back to school, Alex? Finish your law degree, you're between jobs, why not change careers? You're not going to be fulfilled or happy working somewhere like Buzzfeed, go do something that matters."

"How do you suggest I do that, John?" I sneered, "I'm already $30,000 in the hole."

"Well, we'd figure it out, but do you think you'd want to?"

"I-I don't know, never gave it too much thought, felt too far fetched, I mean, maybe."

"I bet we could get you in for the Spring semester."

"Maybe." I rubbed my face.

He started braiding back a piece of my hair from the temple, "we don't have to talk about it right now. Hey, you remember Polly's gonna be in town next week, right? Is that still okay with you? She loves Lafayette, could go stay with him if you want."

I shook my head, "no, it's fine if she's here. She's your sister, of course she can stay here."

"If you change your mind that's okay."

"Okay." I worked my jaw and glanced up at him.

He smoothed hair away from my face and traced my cheekbones through the scraggly stubble growing there, "what's the matter?"

"John, I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"For getting fired, for being a burden to you. You should just leave me. I told you when this started, this wouldn't end well."

He let out a heavy sigh, and patted my hip, encouraging me into a sitting position, he maneuvered me in his lap, I felt small, annoyed by my stature that I fit in his lap against his chest so well, he laced his fingers together around my waist, "Alexander, do you love me?"

I sputtered in annoyance, "John, don't be dense, of course I love you. You should know that by now."

"And I love you. That's what's important, not whether or not you have a job. Not what that job is, just that we love each other. We're set, darlin', honestly, we never need to work again, either of us, and that would be just fine."

"I don't want you to waste your orphan money on me."

He craned his neck and kissed my temple, "not a waste. As long as I'm with you nothing else matters. I just want to be with my man, have him happy, see him smile. You're never a waste, you're my favourite."

"But there are way better people."

"Not for me there aren't. You're my heart and soul, darlin'," he held me tighter, the exhaustion I felt weakened my resolve and I rested my head against him.

"I love you. I'm sorry I'm a burden." I told him again.

"You aren't. But, hey, I need you to take care of yourself, alright? Can you please eat some more for me?"

I shook my head, "I'm really not hungry."

He sighed and kissed my forehead, "well, it's here for you when you are."


	5. Chapter 5

**Y'all seem to enjoy the smut, so have I got a present for you! Fun fact: I wrote this today while waiting for my car in the mechanic, because who doesn't write their smut in public to the sound of drills and hydraulics? Enjoy knowing that that's a thing that happens. As always, you have my eternal gratitude for reading and I do a happy dance each time I get a review notification. Also, I'm now on Archive of Our Own as Wrote_My_Own_Deliverance. I'm cross posting, but if you are looking for a different platform, there you go. Love to you guys!**

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I got back up after John went to bed. I checked the craigslist want ads again for anything writing related. There was nothing that I hadn't already seen, mostly porn, or kids wanting people to look at their shitty manuscripts for free. Switched tabs to look at my email. One glowing new message, I swallowed hard and opened it, reading the text as quickly as possible. The contact that Greene had given came through, the email carried an apologetic tone and explained the nature of the site, it was more news review than blog, and they _were_ looking to expand their team. My breath caught and team blurred my vision. I sent a copy of my resume to the head editor who had contacted me, despite the late hour and waited, chain smoking out the window.

New York had turned bitter cold in the last week or so, snow clung to window sills and there was a consistent inch of black slush in the roads. I burrowed tighter into the blanket that I'd stolen off the bed in exchange for the duvet and waited. _I hate waiting. Hate idle fucking time._ As I waited, I glanced at the textbook still on the corner of my desk. _Fuck, fine._ I bit at my lip and opened a new tab, typing in Columbia's address. I took a deep pull off the cigarette between my lips and clicked over to their graduate programs page. Scholarships, one for continuing education at their institution, _yup_ , one for Latinos, _sí_ , one for history of high grade point average, _yup_. I worked my way through a notebook, running numbers and trying to figure out where every dime would be accounted for, what classes to take when. _Maybe. Maybe I could swing this._ In the background, my email pinged. I clicked back over, a little too quick and desperate even for my personal taste.

Another message from James Madison at the Publius. I opened it. _Holy shit._ They were interested in setting up an interview. _Fuck yes._ I emailed back my availability - _completely fucking open -_ and thanked him profusely. Within minutes there was another response, interview set up for two days from now. I confirmed and thanked him. I snuffed my cigarette and bounded into our bedroom, feeling a moment of remorse for what I was doing. _But I did it anyway._

"John, John! Wake up!" I pulled back the duvet and John sat up, looking ready for a fight.

"What'sa matter, Alex, are you hurt?" only one of his eyes was open.

I flung myself onto the bed and kissed him, "got an interview at that online news place I told you about."

He blinked sleep away, "oh, babe, that's amazing! I'm so happy for you. It's late. What time is it?"

"Late. Doesn't matter, journalists keep weird hours."

"No shit." He embraced me and showered me in sleepy kisses. His mouth warm and sensual. I matched each point of contact from his lips with one of my own. At some point our kisses became more fervent, more needy, more consumed by want. Small sounds escaping both of our mouths, volume dulled against the skin of the other.

"...Alex…"John panted against my throat as I pulled back, tearing my shirt over my head before my needy hands found the hem of his shirt. I had to feel him, feel his warmth, touch the ripples of his muscles. _Finally felt worthy of having his attention again._ I shook that thought loose and forced myself back into the moment, I dropped my mouth back to his skin, suckling at the valley of his chest, he let me lay him back against the pillows and straddle his waist, continuing my ministrations.

His hips bucked to meet mine, desperate for friction, I leaned into him, closing the gap between our bodies, pressing my pelvis against his, eliciting a low, throaty moan from him. I sucked against the vibrations in his throat, teeth grazing his Adam's apple, certain he'd have purple bruises from my teeth there in the morning. _I'm not sorry._ I was insatiable for him, starved and demanding, he let me have him. Soft and pliable, submissive under me, hands raking my chest, one reaching behind me to grab a handful of ass, fingers digging at the flesh there.

"So proud of you. You're doing good." his voice was unsteady, quivering in response to my touch.

I picked my head up, lips leaving his body, but my gaze never left his frame, "'so well.' Nothing about my motives are altruistic."

"I can't believe you're correcting my grammar right now." The exasperation in his voice was feigned. I couldn't help but laugh.

I met his eyes and hovered over him, taking a dark, serious tone, "stop talking and I won't have to." With that I crashed our mouths together, tongues dueling for dominance, his moans echoed in the cavern of my mouth.

I needed more of him. Needed all of him. Without breaking contact I pulled at his pants, the soft cotton sliding down his legs with ease. I repeated the action with my own garments, the less forgiving flannel slightly harder to discard.

I melted into his warmth, hand reaching down to grip at his hip, the perfectly protruding bone a handhold, he ground against me, "need you, Alexander, please, I missed you. Missed feeling you. I need to feel you, Alex."

"Roll over, querido." I growled into his ear. He obliged, tucking his knees under his stomach to make himself more available. I made quick work of readying him with lubed fingers, relishing my ability to turn his hisses and gasps into moans of pleasure as he relaxed around my intrusion. I added another finger, enjoying the gasp in shock as his muscles twitched to take it.

"Yes, God, you feel so good. Oh please, yes!" his moans were more and more urgent.

I settled myself behind him and exchanged fingers for my lube slicked cock, throwing my head back in a moan of ecstasy, my hair tickling the bare skin of my back, and I pushed in farther. He cried out as he took me in. I found the right angle to please us both, nudging his knees farther apart with one of my own to settle his taller body lower to the mattress. He gasped at being moved, changing the sensation of me inside him. I discovered a pace that made him grunt with each of my thrusts and I gripped a tangle of his hair, jerking his head back, his mouth falling open. I pushed even harder and he cried out as I hit the right spot deep within him. His cries died into a constant whimper with each thrust, hard enough for the headboard to knock against the wall.

"You like that don't you? Like how I fuck you? Like how I take care of you? How your man takes care of you." I licked a stripe down the bumpy column of his spine, making him arch his back.

"Yes, oh, love it. Yes. You take such good care of me. Alex, you make me feel so good."

"You're goddamn right I do. Take care of what's mine." I let his hair go and dropped a hand to his shoulder, kneading the flesh there. He moaned at the competing sensations of my urgent thrusts and my hands working the supple flesh of his neck and shoulder.

I threaded my other hand underneath him, hinging my elbow on his hip and took him in hand. He whined as I started pumping in time with my thrusts, working him over totally.

"Don't stop. Please. Please. Alex, I need it, I need to come-" he dropped his head into the pillows and I felt his cock twitch as he came, his muscles clenching, abs tight, every muscle in his body engaged, setting off the chain reaction of my own stuttering orgasm. I dropped against his back, both of us panting in tandem. I pulled out and offered him a tissue from the bedside table. He took it and we cleaned ourselves up.

I flopped into the bed with him, he took his place against me, tucking himself under my arm, head rested in the crook where my chest met my arm. I brushed his hair away from my mouth.

"Good to have you back." he drew aimlessly across my chest.

"What do you mean?"

"The fire. I missed your fire. You went all grey on me."

"Well, I'm back. I'm gonna get this job, John."

"I don't doubt it for a minute. You gonna stay in bed or get back up and work on stuff?"

"I'll stay with you."

He tangled his legs through mine and pulled me tighter to him, possessive, "good, I'm so glad you cuddle me now. That was a bummer at first, especially because you're so good at it."

"Bullshit. I am not."

"You are, though, Alex. You make me feel so loved."

"Good, that's because I love you." I kissed him good night, he returned the admission of love and we both found sleep.

In the morning he was already gone when I woke, the sun was out and I checked the time, shocked and amazed to find I'd slept for ten hours. I got up and started my daily routine of cigarette, coffee, Twitter, but today was different. I felt the differentness in my bones. _Something good was gonna happen, goddammit_. I spent the rest of the morning combing through the Publius website, trying to learn everything I could, prepare for any questions they'd ask me. I sent an email confirmation of the interview and located my business suit from its place still in a duffel bag.

I was still in the study when John got home, Lafayette in tow.

"Hey babe, it okay if Laf joins us for dinner?" he kissed me.

"Yeah, that's cool. What's up, Laf?" I clapped a handshake with Lafayette.

"How are you doing, Alexander?" Lafayette asked with trepidation in his voice.

"Better. I'm doing better. Got a job interview tomorrow."

"It will become your bitch."

"It's, 'you'll make it your bitch,' Laf." John corrected.

The Frenchman scowled at himself, "merde, I fuck that up every time."

"You do." John laughed.

"What's Herc up to tonight?" I asked.

"He's in Switzerland, working on some new collection thing. I do not have details, but he will still be gone for Christmas." Lafayette screwed his mouth up to one side.

"Hey, that's perfect, I mean that's sad, but, John's been so bummed about missing Christmas with you. Now you can spend it with us." I tried to delicately extract my foot from my mouth.

"Are you sure?" John looked at me, hazel eyes wide and puppy like, "I figured you'd want it just us."

"I'm absolutely sure." I kissed his forehead.

John grinned from ear to ear, Lafayette seemed to loosen up at the prospect of at least being with his best friend for the holiday.

"Don't forget, we're getting Polly from the airport the day after tomorrow." John reminded me.

"And hopefully we're celebrating." I wrapped an arm around him.

"Hopefully."

John and Lafayette cooked dinner together while I lounged in the living room. I was enjoying listening to their lighthearted conversation, laughing with each other while they cooked, hearing the friendliness in their voices. I was almost embarrassed at how jealous I'd been of Lafayette when I'd first met him. Finally, when dinner was ready John brought me a plate, simple chicken and vegetables, but it was delicious nonetheless.

"It's the butter, Americans are so afraid of butter." Lafayette told me as an answer to my compliment.

"Well, whatever it is, it's spectacular."

"Are you nervous for your interview, mon ami?" Lafayette asked me.

"Somewhat, but I've got a good feeling about this."

"Is there anything we can do to help you prepare?" John inquired.

"Nope, it's gonna be what it's gonna be." I took his hand under the table.

"You'll do great." Lafayette encouraged.

"Here's hoping." I tipped my glass reverently and took a sip.


	6. Chapter 6

**What the Hell, it's Saturday, might as well update as much as I can since this week is going to get crazy sauce for me and updates may be more sparse, so with any luck I'll get another chapter to you guys tonight. Your support and reviews mean the world to me and let me know if you're feeling the love. Thank you so much for reading!**

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"Alright, Alex, go kill 'em. I'm proud of you, love you no matter what happens. Knock 'em dead, babe." John held me, stooping to kiss my lips again, his taste steeling me with courage.

I nodded and hugged him back before settling a hand on the strap of my bag strung across my body. _This is it._

"Alright, see you later, querido. Here's hoping." I shut the door to our apartment behind me and set off for the headquarters of Publius.

The train ride wasn't long and I spent most of it rehearsing to myself. I was prepared. As prepared as I could be. I followed my GPS and found the small building, taking a deep breath, I reached for the door. It was an open room, wood panelling walls, stuffy mildew and stale takeout smelling, tangled web of power cords running to various laptops, empty coffee cups littering every free table space, mismatched desks and chairs, three beat up couches, water cooler in one corner, with an industrial sized coffee pot. A man emerged from a back room that I hadn't noticed until the door shut. He closed the distance and offered a hand. He was strong, a big man, firm handshake. _Maybe I'm just a racist piece of shit… but he looked a little bit like Hercules._

He spoke first, "James Madison, you must be-"

My nerves got the better of me and I cut in, "-Alexander Hamilton, pleasure to meet you."

"The pleasure is mine. Welcome to our humble office. We're a grassroots operation, prefer to pay people rather than work in fashion. We've got too much stuff to do to be too fancy."

"That's good, fancy isn't really my bag, I like humble." I smiled and he led me to a desk and offered me to sit in the vinyl chair, he surprised me by sitting next to me rather than across the desk.

"Then I'm sure we'll get along fine. I've read some of your work. I have to say I'm impressed, your vocabulary alone is incredible, some of your articles from the Post are just mind blowing."

"Thank you."

"It's a shame that paper news is dying out, these layoffs are taking out good journalists right and left."

"I agree, it's hard to thrive in this industry right now."

"So the job opening that we have is to temporarily replace our chief editor, not to be confused with editor in chief, we're not really about titles here, a little more 'all for one and one for all,' but people expect you to have a title, even if they're arbitrary, like I'm the head editor. Anyway, our chief editor, John, has taken ill and we need someone to take his place during his leave, but he may be able to come back at some point, that said, I believe our team could stand to grow permanently."

"John?"

"John Jay, he's the other guy, why you know him?"

"Oh, no, I just, my boyfriend's name is John." _and I've outed myself. Damn. If they don't hire me because of that I'll-._

"Boyfriend? Wouldn't peg you for the type. Don't, uh, don't worry, though, we're totally LGBT friendly here. My boyfriend's finishing up his degree in France right now."

"Oh, neat, I have a friend from France. I actually speak French, too."

"Well look at you. I read in your resume that you speak other languages. Very impressive, that skill could help us get our message to a wealth of other audiences, especially in immigrant communities where there's low voter registration."

"I appreciate that too, I'm Latino, and spent a lot of time living in the Washington Heights area, just recently moved farther south, but that's my community, so voter turnout and minority issues are important to me."

We talked for a while longer, conversation flowing easily.

"Well, Mr. Hamilton, I gotta run everything by John, but I would keep Monday open if I were you."

"Thank you so much, Mr. Madison." I shook his hand.

"Please, call me James, have a good weekend."

"Uh, you too!" I gathered my things and tried to contain my excitement as I rounded the corner calling John.

"How'd it go?" he answered.

"Pretty sure I got it!"

He had his quiet 'office voice' on, but his whisper betrayed excitement, "fuck yeah, you did, that's my baby! So proud of you."

"Thanks for everything, this last week or so, John. I don't know what I did to deserve you."

"Don't mention it. I love you, now let me get off here so I can finish up early and come celebrate with you."

"Sounds good. I love you, querido."

"I love you, too."

I tried to contain the spring in my step. Things were gonna be okay. I stopped by a flower shop and picked up a winter-priced bouquet for John, just to thank him for putting up with me and bounded home, not even minding the chill in the air.

I straightened the apartment, getting things ready for John's sister to arrive the next day, enjoying the feeling of my gloom and fog lifting. Things had been getting better, John was bringing the 'better' out of me, unboxing and polishing the person I used to be, the happy, hopeful one. _The one I'd thought died with Eliza's baby._ None of that, not today, it's a good day. I cleared my mind and stepped outside to light a cigarette, trying the breathing exercises the therapist had given me, but mostly just smoking.

Flurries of snow started, I knew the snow would make John nervous for flights tomorrow, but I watched the snow in wonder, even though I'd lived in New York for half my life the snow still held magic for me, as much as I hated the cold, could never quite acclimate to it, I loved the snow. I started the tea kettle for John when he'd texted me that he was on his way home.

I helped him peel his winter gear off, hanging his drippy scarf up on its hook next to mine and handed him his tea once he'd shed his gloves.

"Thank you," he kissed my cheek, "house looks great." He looked around to see that it was tidied up. Pillows and blankets made up on the couch as a makeshift bed.

I motioned to the flowers I'd dropped into a vase, "those are for you."

"Oh, Alex, darlin' they're beautiful."

"I just wanted to thank you. You've been so patient, so good with me this last week. Thanks for not giving up on me."

"I could never give up on you, Alexander. You're my love."

I nodded. _I can't believe he didn't give up on me._

"So what's the plan for tonight?" I asked him.

"Well, I dunno, it's our last night alone."

"So we should fuck each other senseless? 'Cause I intend to do that whether or not your sister is here. I'm not the one who can't keep quiet while taking it." I quirked an eyebrow.

"Jesus, sometimes you open your mouth and utter filth falls out." He shook his head.

"Not the first time I've heard that, my dear Laurens." I leaned in and licked the shell of his ear.

"Good God." A slosh of tea spilled on the carpet as he shuddered against my touch.

"But first, I'm hungry."

John turned giddy, almost manic, "you're hungry? Yes, right now, let's go. Whatever you want."

I rolled my eyes at his care, knowing how much it bothered him when I wasn't in the mood to eat.

"You pick."

"It's stupid cold out. Soup?"

"Soup sounds great. Here, sit for a minute, drink your tea and warm up."

"Are you sure? If you're hungry I don't want to miss out on that, watch you circle back to not hungry."

He knew me too well, knew that I was prone to feeling hunger as a fleeting sensation, a byproduct of honing myself to ignore the pleads of my body.

"I'll be fine, plus, I want my appetizer." I guided him to the couch and straddled his waist, more tea sloshing on the ground.

"Let me set this down before I give us third degree burns."

"I dunno, might be kind of hot." I whispered into his jaw, nipping it lightly.

"You're a sick puppy sometimes, Hamilton, you know that?"

I shrugged, "eh, it keeps things interesting."

"Sure does. But sometimes I like to keep things interesting too." He cradled the back of my head and flipped us, gaining the upper hand, pinning me against the couch, his hair falling into his face, I reached up to smooth it away.

His hands were under my shirt, rooting across my chest in that trademarked John fervor, desperate and unsure of his actions, I drug my thumb across his lips, his tongue flicking out to taste my skin. He sucked my thumb into his mouth, his eye contact almost challenging me to want more, I met the challenge and yanked at his pants to no avail. He sat up, still straddling me and discarded his sportcoat, needing a greater range of motion. He pulled a hair tie off his wrist and knotted his hair back into a messy bun before dropping over my hips, suckling at the valley near the angular bone, one of the only hard places on my body, unlike his that was all muscle and edges.

"John." I breathed.

He opened my jeans and pushed my boxers out of the way, wasting no time, he relaxed his mouth and took me all the way into his throat, nose resting against the soft crop of hair at the base. I sighed and melted at the touch, head lolling to the side. He continued working me over, sloppy tongue swirling, flattening out, prodding, teeth grazing. I gripped at his hair.

"Yeah, yeah, that's good, John. Oh, te amo te amo te amo, putain de bordel de merde. Fuck. Goddammit, no pare, sigue sigue. Yes." I came, almost violently, breath held, toes curled, hands fisted in his hair. He let me ride it out. I threw an arm over my face, basking. He pulled back and wiped his mouth.

"I'm the one who can't stay quiet, huh?" He lie on top of me, not uncomfortably, "what was that? All three languages? 'Oh John, te amo, merde, oh yeah, baby!'" he mocked playfully.

"Shut up, it's my special skill, they liked it at my interview."

"What, you crying out in the throes of passion."

"You're absurd."

"That's kind of why you love me, though, right?"

I rolled my eyes, "maybe just a little bit."

"We definitely have to change these sheets now. You still hungry?"

"Ravenous." My eyes hooded.

"For food, jackass."

"You suck all the fun out of everything."

"Must be why you're no fun, I sucked it all out of you." He mimed sucking me off.

"Can't be, I was no fun before you."

"Whatever, you ready to go get some food?"

"I guess so, but since we have to change the sheets anyways I expect a round two before we do."

I made myself appropriate for public consumption and we left the building to have dinner together, a moment of quiet alone time before the whirlwind of the next few weeks with me starting a new job, Polly in town, and Christmas. Our dinner was spent with long pointed glances, and feet and ankles finding each other under the table, fingers twining between plates to find each other. It was one of the first real meals I'd eaten in a while, I felt it replenishing me, making me human again.

We walked home together, not minding the cold as long as we kept each other close, he was prattling on in true John style.

"...I wasn't able to get Lion King tickets for next week, I guess since it's almost Christmas, but I already got them for the summer so I'll give them to her for Christmas. Hopefully that's good enough. I mean, I got Wicked tickets, but I kinda dropped the 'gay brother who lives in New York' ball, didn't I?"

"I'm sure it's fine, querido," with the hand not holding his I flicked my cigarette and put it back against my lips.

"Yeah, I suppose, I just want this trip to be magical for her. Kid's had a rough year."

"I'm sure just spending time with you will make up for some of that."

"Look at you being sweet."

"See, now that you brought it up and made it a thing, it's gonna stop, I have to be an asshole to you now or else I'll lose my street cred."

"What street cred?"

I pushed him gently, "that street cred."

"You're an ass."

"See that's better. All is right in the world."

We made it home and I insisted that he have his way with me on the couch one more time before we changed the sheet, it was awkward and mostly uncomfortable, my leg falling asleep under me, and our bed only twenty feet away would have been much more practical, but this was about proving a point.

We finished re-making the bed up on the couch for Polly and I kissed John, pressing our still naked chests together, "I love you."

"I love you, too, Alexander." He nuzzled his forehead against mine.


	7. Chapter 7

**I hope y'all have your tooth brushes, 'cause this chapter will give you some cavities. Fluffy as cotton candy.**

 ** _Mimi_ , I hope you're having a better day, I'm so glad my writing brought you even just a little happiness on a crappy day.  
 _Shadow_ , enjoy the ITH references, they're peppered about, just because I like giving you a scavenger hunt, I also really appreciate you highlighting the differences in their lovemaking, that meant a lot, I always try to keep their personalities at the forefront of their motives.  
 _Paggers_ , just you wait, I've got some shizz in the works.**

 **Thank you all so much for your kindness, enjoy this chapter and if you're digging it, please leave a review, they really do make my whole day!**

* * *

"There she is!" John pawed at my side as we saw Polly walking up from the gate.

She met eyes with her brother and beamed, John vibrated beside me, and she burst through the gate, running up to greet him.

"Jackie!" She kissed his cheek.

"Polly girl!" He embraced her in one of those _John hugs,_ the ones that were all consuming, imbued with the power to erase all of the worst parts of your day and leave you feeling ready to take on the day. She let him go and turned to me.

"Alexander!" Remembering my aversion to hugs, she nudged me with an elbow.

Despite myself, I gave her a quick, loose embrace, "hi."

Polly's accent seeming so thick and out of place here - I wondered how long it would take being around Polly before John abandoned the use of his 'r' sounds for 'ah' and drug an extra syllable out of his words - she beamed at me, "it's good to see your face."

I nodded and the three of us walked to the baggage carousel, "how was your flight, little bit? Any problems?" John tugged at the end of her hair, shorter than last time I'd seen it, the new cut making her look older.

"Nope, it was all good. I can't believe I'm actually here."

"Believe it, kiddo, your brother here has all sorts of shenanigans planned for this week." I took John's hand.

"Like what?" She bit her lip around a smile and looked at John.

"Like going to see Wicked tomorrow. Heathers later this week." John confirmed.

"No! Really?" She rose to her tiptoes, bouncing, and her jaw dropped.

"Really really."

"Oh, my god! That's so exciting, I can't wait, are you coming with?" She looked at me.

"Nope, musicals aren't really my thing."

John drug her heavy suitcase off the carousel.

"Ready to see my house?" John asked her.

"Um, duh! How is living together? Is it so awesome?" She looked between the two of us.

"It's pretty cool," John agreed, "how's life with Pats?"

Polly rolled her eyes, "about as good as you think, she's trying to be mom."

"Come on, Polly, be fair. She knows she's not mom, it's just who she is, she's a lot like mom."

"I know." She rolled her eyes.

"Anyways, Alex is about to start a new job." John bragged.

"Really? That's cool. Where?"

"It's this, uh, little online thing." I confessed.

"That's cool, way to go, Alex!" She cheered.

"Alexander to you," John corrected.

"You call him Alex." She rolled her eyes, making a 'what gives' gesture.

"He's my boyfriend, when you get a boyfriend you can call him whatever you want, but until he's your boyfriend he's Alexander. I can get away with it because I'm so cute." John flipped his hair.

"Cute... Right." She pursed her lips at John.

We stepped out into the cold evening, John hauling Polly's bag, she stared up at the high rises, the same awestruck expression on her face that everyone had when they first saw the city.

She was breathless when words found her, "oh my god. Look at it! This is the greatest city in the world."

John patted her on the back, and looked up, too, his and Polly's eyes filled with refracted stars of the neon lights matching the constellations of freckles dotting their faces. I leaned up and kissed John's cheek, more in love with him every time I saw that sense of wonder on his face, _even more in love with him when that look of awe was directed toward me._

"Alright, come on, ya tourists. Let's go home where it's warm." I grinned and tugged John along.

"It's just so incredible!" Polly was vibrating, a combination of the cold and the thrill.

"You bring a heavier coat, sunshine?" John noticed her teeth chattering.

"I brought my ski jacket, but it's packed up, it was 73 out when I left earlier."

"Shoulda left it out, dummy." He unzipped his coat and shed it, helped her into it. The coat dwarfed her, but she accepted it happily. John buttoned his sportcoat and tucked closer against me.

We got on the subway and Polly looked around like this was the most magical moment of her life. _I couldn't ignore the lingering scent of piss that clung to the train._

"This is so cool!" She pushed the far too long sleeves of John's coat up to reveal her hands.

I glanced at John who had set his teeth into his bottom lip, trying desperately to still the chatter that he'd gotten in his teeth from the cold without his jacket. I rubbed his arm quickly, trying to warm him some. He noticed and smiled over at me around his bit lip.

"This is us, come on." John stood, legs far apart, the spidey sense center of gravity that all New Yorkers got to be able to navigate a moving train, he took her elbow as she stood up and took a faltering step.

I took her suitcase from John as he steadied her during the careening halt the train was in, once the doors opened we stepped off. I hauled the suitcase up a few steps before John took the wheel end and picked the back half of it up. It looked too easy for him, I'd been grunting and on the brink of breaking a sweat from hauling it for four steps. _Fucking Adonis, all strong and beautiful._ At the top of the stairs he took the handle of the suitcase from me.

"Is Laf here?" She asked, her voice filled with even more excitement.

"No, you want me to call him?" John offered.

"Can you?" She grinned.

"Yeah, sure," he held the door to the building for her and called him once we were on the elevator.

"Hey, I got someone here who wants to see you," he held the phone out to Polly who shouted a greeting, "you busy? ...Well then come over!"

He hung up and scoffed in annoyance, pulling out his best - but still terrible - French accent, "I am just bored at home, so alone."

"Where's his boyfriend?"

"Switzerland. He's a fashion designer."

Her eyes widened, "that's like, really cool."

I unlocked the door for us and John welcomed her in, while he gave her the tour I set out some cheese and crackers and grapes for her, figuring that she was probably hungry after traveling. _I mean, I'm really not a complete ass._

Lafayette knocked a quick tap-tap and let himself in, still having a key, "sup, Laf?" I nodded to him.

He waved and was ambushed by Polly launching herself at him, setting him off kilter, losing his footing and falling against the door.

"Jeez, Poll, let him get in the door first." John smiled sympathetically at our friend.

"I missed you!" Polly squealed.

"I missed you, too, ma douce fille," he tucked a piece of hair behind her ear and took her hand spinning her in a circle, "look at you! You're so grown up! You are not a little girl!"

"You'd know that if I saw you more than once every five years."

Lafayette feigned offense, "but you see me now!"

Polly gave him a look, and he made a show of throwing his hands up defensively to shield himself from her glare.

She turned her attention back to John, "are we doing anything tonight?"

"Up to you."

She took a piece of cheese and a cracker, and thought it over, "I'm a little worn out, can we plan out tomorrow and just hang out?"

"Of course."

We talked about all of the things she wanted to do while she was here, she couldn't wipe the smile from her face when talks of seeing Wicked came up. Lafayette grilled her about school and boys and what she liked to do. She talked happily and asked him all about Hercules, demanding to see pictures. We were all crammed on the couch, me on an end, John beside me, Polly next to him, and Lafayette against the other arm of the sofa. He was showing her pictures on his phone, she asked questions about nearly every shot. John turned on netflix and started Heathers, mentioning that they should 'pregame' before seeing the musical later in the week.

Within an hour Polly was sound asleep, head on Lafayette's shoulder, arm around his chest, legs kicked up and draped across John's lap.

"You wanna go to bed?" John asked me in a whisper.

I shrugged, "your call, I'm good to keep watching this or go to bed or whatever."

"I can't believe you've never seen Heathers." He shook his head.

"I haven't seen most things, John, I've watched more TV in the last six months with you than probably in my whole life."

"To be fair, no one watches as much television as John." Lafayette agreed quietly.

"Whatever, I appreciate the art."

"The art of 'Real Housewives'?" Lafayette teased.

"Oh my god, I watched one season. One!"

"You watched a whole season?" I asked in disbelief.

"You guys are the worst. And it's Herc's fault I like Next Top Model and Project Runway so much." He pointed a finger at Lafayette.

"That, I will concede, is true."

"See! Now, are you staying over or going home? I'll make up the air mattress."

"I will go home, what time is the show tomorrow?"

"It's a matinee at two, I'm working a half day before that."

"I will have dinner with you. Bonne nuit!" he slipped careful out from under Polly and lowered her head onto a pillow and snuck out the door.

I got up first and John slid out from under Polly's legs, setting them on the couch, he tucked a blanket around her and took my hand. We got ready for bed.

"I'm so happy she's here." He said, rubbing his face with a washcloth to get all the cleanser off.

"Me, too. She's a good kid." I agreed, braiding back my hair.

He moisturized his face and traded me places so I could brush my teeth. After finishing our rituals we climbed into bed. John settled against me in the dark.

"I'm a man of my word, John." I sighed into the darkness, voice filled with drama.

"...O-okay, yeah, I guess I'd agree."

"And I promised that I would fuck you senseless even with your sister at our house. I would hate to be seen as someone who can't keep his promises." I stroked his chest, feeling the rise of goosebumps.

He rolled over, chest against my side, "then it's a good thing she's here for a week. Good night, Alexander." His voice was musical, an annoyed humor.

"So what, I think you're sexy and want to act on my carnal urges any time that the opportunity presents itself. Is that such a terrible thing, to be the focus of arousal for your lover?"

He leaned up and pressed a kiss on my lips, effectively quieting me, and repeated, "good night, Alexander."

Petulance creeped into my tone, "ugh, fine, good night… All I'm saying is-"

"Oh my god, stop talking."

I laughed, deriving pleasure from annoying him, "it's really your problem, you looking all sexy, being so sweet to me all the time, being just a stand up kinda guy, really does it for me, mm, and then there's the freckles, wanna kiss each one of 'em, and ugh, your dimples, try and make you smile all the time just to see 'em," I felt for his face in the darkness, finding his cheek and thumbing the divot there, feeling his grin, "see like right now, uh… hold on, let me get my phone and... there we go," I lit up the screen and saw his wide smile, all crinkles and dimples, he squinted against the light, "mm, beautiful, sexy." I licked my lips.

"I think I like you better aloof and mysterious."

"Again, that's all your problem, I had no problem being aloof and mysterious until you walked into my life, then you had to go and make me all happy and shit, make me believe in love again and all _that shit,_ get me into therapy where I talk about my feelings and work on becoming a better person and all _that shit."_

"You can keep talking, I'm going to sleep, I love you." He rolled away from me.

"Oh, look, now I get to compliment your ass," I smacked it and then grabbed a palmful, "so tight, your whole body's banging, mm, but this ass, though." I grabbed his hip and heaved him toward me, pressing my pelvis against his ass.

"Stop." He whined, dragging the plea out to four or five syllables.

"Fine, I just love you," I snuggled against his back and kissed his shoulder, his hair tickling my face, I brushed it aside, "can't believe I didn't mention your hair, sexy curls, the way it falls on your shoulders, ugh, and then there's when you pull it back and I get to see all of your pretty face, ooh, and then there's when you pull it back to suck my dick _and_ I get to see your pretty face, that's the type of shit they write sonnets about."

"Alexander Hamilton, if you adlib a sonnet right now, so help me god."

"Thine freckles, stars upon my lover's skin

Body like damn, so inviting, my love

Make a man commit original sin

That ass is so tight, fits me like a glove

Those curls, a mane that draws me in deep

I know you're annoyed but I don't care

You mostly wish that I'd just go to sleep

Even my dreams filled with thoughts of lover's hair-"

John groaned and cut me off, only halfway done, "I can't believe you," he rolled back over to snuggle against me.

"Shakespearean rhyme scheme, bitch!" I raised my arms out straight, miming a mic drop.

"Of course it is. Now good night. I love you, nerd."

"I love you, too, querido." I kissed him and decided to shut up.


	8. Chapter 8

**Y'all are my heroes, thank you so much for your day-making kindness in each thoughtful review. Love love love to you! Enjoy the chapter!**

* * *

I'd gotten the job but would only be working a half week before the Christmas holiday when the office was closed for two weeks. James showed me some of the inner workings of the website and gave me my own credentials to log in and publish to the site. The level of freedom was astounding. _Fuck Adams._ Before the office closed James tapped me on the shoulder, pulling me from the focused shroud of my work. Coffee cup in his hand, he gave me an envelope. I stared at it.

"You can open it." He said gently, I knew he still couldn't quite figure me out, nothing against him, though, _I'm not easy to figure out._

I opened the envelope, a check inside, not a small one either, 'Merry Christmas/Welcome Aboard' was written on the memo line.

"I… Wow… Thank you." I stammered, rereading the sum of the check.

"Like, I told you, we prefer to pay people over have a nice office, you're good people, Alexander, damned hard worker. Happy holidays, go enjoy yourself. I'll see you after the start of the new year."

"Thank you. Thanks." I gathered my things and shook his hand.

On the subway ideas began to percolate in my mind, I texted Lafayette.

 **Got an idea, want your help.**

He texted back.

 **I am at the apartment, Polly was bored, we will discuss there?** I laughed to myself, he still struggled to let go of the apartment, calling it 'the' apartment rather than mine and John's, it was an adjustment for all of us.

 **Deal.**

The gears in my mind turned and I smiled to myself, letting ideas gather. I bounded into the elevator and beamed. _Got this good-boyfriend-decent-human thing on lock, Hamilton._ I threw the door open and found Polly and Lafayette lying on the floor, throw pillows under their chests giggling at a magazine.

"Welcome home, Alexander." Polly waved to me, sitting up.

"Hey guys. Polly can you keep a secret from your brother?"

"Duh." She looked at me like I was an idiot.

"Lafayette, you too, got it?"

"Oui." He sat up, too.

I joined them, sitting across from them, cross legged on the floor.

"So… I was thinking, John's been feeling all torn because, he gets to see you, Polly, but none of his other siblings, and he's been bummed and mopey about that, but I, what if we came home with you, spent Christmas in South Carolina and then came home. Lafayette, you, too."

Polly gasped and clasped her hands to her chest.

"It is a fabulous plan." Lafayette nodded.

"I just got a bonus at work, which is like, fuck, crazy. Sorry, Polly, so there's that, I think I should be able to swing it."

"I can hear adult language, Alexander." She pursed her lips.

"I will pay my own way, and I want the tickets home to be my gift to the both of you." Lafayette smiled warmly.

"Laf, you don't-"

He cut me off, "I insist, Alexander."

"This is gonna be so amazing. John hasn't been home for Christmas in years!" Polly squealed.

"So, how do we surprise him?" I pondered, "that's really where I need help."

Laf waved a hand dismissively, a calm, cool, collected sense about him, "you pack your luggage and then FedEx it to Charleston, have Patsy pick it up, and then-"

Polly cut in, "-you act like you're dropping me off, Laf, you come with under the guise that you love me so much, and then, boom, we all get on a plane."

"Genius!" I grinned.

Polly stuck a hand out, "best Christmas ever on three."

Lafayette placed his hand on hers. I looked between them skeptically. Lafayette cleared his throat and narrowed his eyes at me. Reluctantly, I put my hand on top of his.

Polly squealed, "one, two, three. Best Christmas ever!"

Shortly thereafter, John got home, Lafayette tried to be _super_ casual, "oh, hey, John, we're just hanging out, and you know... talking... because of how we are friends."

John crinkled his face and cocked his head at Lafayette, "uh, okay, weirdo."

"Be chill." Polly growled under her breath and elbowed Lafayette hard.

"Ow." He yelped.

"Did you have a good day?" I kissed him.

"Adams is a fucking idiot." He shook his head.

"I don't miss that." I smirked.

He turned his attention to his sister, "alright, sunshine, we've got about half an hour til we need to go, you excited?"

"Super excited." Polly agreed.

John changed and then he and Polly left for their musical. Lafayette and I got to planning, we were able to get three more seats on the plane with Polly for the flight back to South Carolina, and he booked a flight home for us a few days later.

"We should pack his things now." Lafayette suggested, happily switching to French since we were alone. I could almost see his mind relaxing as the real time translation wheel stopped spinning in his brain. Conversation between us flowed easily when he got to speak in French.

I started the list to pack, it would be even more inconspicuous since I would be mostly bringing along summer clothes due to the warmer climate.

"You are so good for John. He's never been this happy." Lafayette mused, packing John's bag while I packed my own. _What the fuck? Me? I really make him 'the happiest he's ever been'? Me?_

"I don't know about that." My French felt rustier than I liked, the conversation with Lafayette was good practice.

"I do. I have known John for a long time and through a lot of boys, but you, you're special to him. He's serious about you."

"I'm serious about him, too." I don't even know why I was opening up to him, our secret language felt safe and confidential, like those weren't words that could be repeated in English.

"Thank you for being so good for my friend. I have, for so many years, worried about him, he was on a path to self-destruction for so long. You brought him away from that. Helped him swim back out. I don't think you even know how much it's true."

 _It was really that bad? My John, that lost?_

"He's lucky to have you." I smiled and handed Lafayette more of John's clothes.

"Want to hear something embarrassing?"

"What's that?"

"He came home from his first day of work in such a bad mood, looked like he was on the verge of tears, you know how he gets when he is frustrated with something. Took a bubble bath, made a cup of tea, and then took himself to bed early," Lafayette dropped the shirt he was rolling up and doubled over laughing, face in the open suitcase, he came up gasping, grin that was all teeth and took up half his face, he fixed his askew glasses and wiped a tear, "I have not heard him masturbate so much since we were fifteen."

I pressed my lips together to try and stifle a laugh, but it burst out of me in an elephant trumpet and I clutched my stomach, laughing until tears rolled down my face.

"Are you serious?" I asked in choked gasps.

Lafayette nodded, "he was just moping around the apartment, all like" he switched to English and put on his best - but still terrible - 'John voice,' clasping his hands over his heart "'what the heck I gotta do to be with him? Lafayette, Lafayette, he's so perfect, if you could only see him,'" he put a wrist over his forehead like an actress in a black and white movie and sighed, "'and so attractive. I'm gonna marry that man.'"

"Oh, please, he did not."

"It's true, he did. He has loved you since the moment he first saw you."

I rolled my lip through my teeth, "I guess I have, too."

"He was convinced you hated him, he was mortified to even be around you. Every morning, he would come out and ask me what I thought of his outfit and no matter what I said would change at least three times. He thought about just quitting his job after the first day. He has never been like that before."

"Really? He did all that?" I shook my head in disbelief. _For me?_

Lafayette nodded and went back to packing, "now, what do you say we engage in some day drinking?"

I considered it, "I'm down. Let's go."

We finished packing the suitcases and went into the kitchen. Lafayette grabbed the bottles from the freezer and sat on the island, I sat on the counter across from him and he poured us each a shot. He handed me mine.

"To John being ridiculous." He tipped his shot glass toward me.

"Hear hear!" We downed them.

That shot was followed by at least five more. We migrated to the living room, gravity now had a comfortable tilt to it. Lafayette struggled against the shift more than I did. He turned on the tv, flipping through netflix. I stepped out for a cigarette, leaning heavily against the metal railing. _Had John really been that nervous? More importantly, had he really said he wanted to marry me? Did he mean it, or was it just his flair for the dramatic?_ For an instant time held no meaning and I existed on parallel planes, John and I strolling through Central Park together old and grey, the flash of memory of him holding Ellie during our trip to South Carolina, them knocking on the storm door to get my attention while I smoked on the porch swing. My breath caught in my throat, until the smoke trapped in my chest forced me to cough. My mind spun from the whirling timelines and from the alcohol. I flicked my cigarette out and went back inside.

Lafayette was facetiming Hercules, he thrust the camera my direction, and demanded I say hello.

"How's Switzerland?" I asked.

"Exhausting, but incredible. Listen, Alexander, buddy, I don't know how sober you are, but you've got twenty minutes until the puking starts. Good luck."

"What?" I asked, not sure if I heard him correctly.

"Laf's gonna go full white-girl on you here in about twenty minutes. I'll pray for you."

I remembered the night after the bar and sobered up even more than what my thoughts on the balcony did for me. I sunk back into my thoughts while Lafayette and Hercules talked, my alternate universes and hypothetical timelines whirling together. Lafayette let out a heavy breath.

"That's your cue!" Hercules shouted through the phone, rousing me from my thoughts.

Lafayette's eyes were squeezed shut, his hand not holding the cellphone gripped the arm of the couch. I wrapped an arm around his waist and helped him up, "c'mon, big fella, let's go," I took the phone out of his hand, "peace out, Herc, I'll let you know if he dies."

Hercules shrugged and winked, "shit happens. Have fun." he disconnected the line and I pocketed Lafayette's phone. I led him to the bathroom and perched him on the ledge of the bathtub, got him a glass of water, couple of ibuprofen, and a wet rag, when I returned his head was between his knees, taking big slow breaths, "why do I do this?" he moaned in French.

"I dunno, but this is the extent of my nursing for people whose genitals I don't touch, so I'll call you an ambulance if I hear your head crack against the toilet, other than that, good luck, mon ami." I closed the door behind me and remembered I needed to hide the suitcases. I'd take them to FedEx next time that Polly and John went out. I'd barely shut the door when the retching started.

I sat on the couch and read a book, now pretty much sober, _perks of leaning towards the 'functioning alcoholic' end of the spectrum,_ Lafayette finally joined me, curling up with his knees to his chest on the other end of the couch, he was pale and peaked.

"You alright?"

He nodded and closed his eyes.

John and Polly got back, Polly in a 'Wicked' hoodie. They hung up their outerwear, John surveyed the situation, "you guys got drunk?" a smile twitched on his mouth.

"Yup."

"Regret that yet?"

Polly giggled at Lafayette's ridiculousness.

"Nah, he's fine."

Lafayette was snoring from his corner of the sofa.

"What'd you guys think of the show?" I asked.

"It was spectacular." Polly radiated, going to my study to change out of her somewhat dressy theatre clothes.

"It was actually really good, this is the third time I've seen it, it holds up."

"Good, I'm glad you guys had a good time."

"Glad you did, too," he giggled in Laf's direction, "gotta say, it does funny things to my heart coming home to find my best friend and my love bonding." He grabbed me in a hug.

"I wouldn't quite call him napping a bonding experience." I rolled my eyes.

"Still counts," he nuzzled into me, "I just like seeing all the puzzle pieces in my life fitting together so well."


	9. Chapter 9

**I'm pretty thrilled with how this chapter turned out. I hope you guys like it, too! Thank you for reading and reviewing! Are you guys ready for Laurens Christmas shenanigans in the next chapter or so? Enjoy!**

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Over the week Polly fell in love with the city, caught up in the sensory overload that was the big apple. I found ways to keep myself busy so I wouldn't spoil the surprise I'd been planning for John. Holing myself up in my study and listening to John and Polly have fun in the other room, baking, watching movies, talking about their lives, the occasional knock-down drag out pillow fight _I definitely wanted no part in that terrifying act._

I was in my study, still staring at the admission essay on Columbia's website, I'd drafted it nearly a hundred times tonight, but it was as good as it was going to get. I clicked submit and waited, rolling my chair to the window to smoke - _technically_ \- outside. _This is stupid, this is a waste of time. You have a job, you like writing. Why would you even want to be a lawyer? You don't like people, why make a life of defending them._ I took a drag on the cigarette and continued warring with my mind, _I don't like people, but I don't like systems more, maybe I could fix systems, write new ones into existence. I'm a fine writer, but I'm not ever going to write anything that will really make a difference, my legacy isn't writing articles, but it could be in law. I can still write, write about the constitution and defend it, write policies and defend them. Write about kids who make mistakes and defend them. Still… it's probably stupid._ I snuffed the butt of the cigarette out and stuck it in an empty coffee mug, pretending that it was an ashtray, just like I pretend John couldn't tell I smoked in here.

I worked my lip until it bled, washing the metallic taste out with the dregs of a cold cup of coffee, the silt at the end of the cup left my mouth feeling gritty, staring at the dialogue box on the computer 'thank you for submitting your essay, please allow 24-48 for a response. Regards, the Columbia admissions department".

John knocked on the door, it was late, Polly probably wanted to go to bed so he was coming to find me, spend a little bit of time together alone. He crinkled his nose when the stale, smoky air hit him, I shot him a nervous smile and he shook his head, closing the distance between us he perched on my desk, legs swinging but almost touching the ground on either side of my chair, he stooped to kiss me, moving his lips to my collarbones he took a deep breath through his nose against my neck, a low hum vibrating his throat.

"How do cigarettes smell so good on you and so bad everywhere else?" He pondered.

"Sorry," I flicked my eyes away, not wanting to look at him.

"It's fine, babe, we'll get one of those draft stop thingies for the door and an automatic air freshener on a timer thingy."

"That's a lot of 'thingies', John." I teased and nuzzled against him, putting my hands on his hips.

"Shut up," he whined, "words are your department, not mine."

"Well, thank God for that."

"You're the worst." He laughed and shoved against my chest.

"I'm so glad you finally figured that out. I've been telling you for months now."

He pulled away from me so I could see him pull a face.

Once we were in bed he curled up against me, I was tangling my fingers through his hair, trying to relax, fingers twitching for a smoke.

"I can't believe tomorrow's Polly's last day here, it's been so good having her here."

"I know. It has been nice. You're pretty cute being all 'big-brotherly,'"

"Whatever, I am not."

"You totally are," we fell comfortably silent for a few minutes, "I applied for law school."

John propped himself on an elbow and cupped my cheek in his free hand, "really?"

I nodded in the darkness.

"That's spectacular, Alex. I hope you get in. I'm proud of you."

"Thanks, we'll see, admission deadline was today, so I mean, they probably already have their candidates."

"Just have to wait and find out. Damn, I'm gonna be with a lawyer. You're gonna make a trophy wife out of me, Alexander Hamilton."

"Ha, yeah, right," I rolled my eyes, "let's see if I even get into school before you start power walking with the other middle aged rich white ladies in our Beverly Hills neighbourhood."

He put on a faraway dreamy voice, "but it's my dream, all my life I've wanted matching velour Juicy Couture tracksuits with the word 'juicy' in sequins across my ass."

"Who am I to deny you of your dreams?"

He giggled and lie back down, tucking himself against my back, one arm under my neck, the other holding onto my hip. We fell asleep smiling, my anxiety dissipating.

John had taken the day off to spend Polly's last day with her, he was cooking dinner, I was helping Polly finish an essay she had been given over the winter break, she'd pulled a kitchen chair into my study and sat at my desk with me, both of us staring into her laptop. I squinted and pointed to a line of text.

"Okay, here, this is technically fine, but you've got a dangling participle thing going right here, that makes it a little bit confusing for your reader to remember who or what you're talking about."

She turned to me, confusion glazing her face, "a dangly who?"

I shook my head and scoffed, "do any Laurens children have a comprehensive grasp of the English language or is this just another example of living in the world of an underfunded Department of Education?"

"Dude, I have a C in English, a low C, I'm barely scraping by."

"Ugh, we'll fix that, you can skype me once you're home and the new semester starts. We'll get that grade back up, English is important, our words are who we are, if you can't craft words well, your significance dwindles. You're significant, Polly, we'll teach you how to write like it."

She quirked her mouth to the side and blushed, "thanks for your help."

"Don't mention it, anyway, so when you have a dangling participle that just means that you have a participle, so that's like verb, so an action word, but you turn it into a participle when you use it like an adjective, so like you're essentially describing someone or something by them being a person who does something or has this quality about them, 'so here you've used 'born' as your participle, and then you leave it to dangle when you don't attach it to the thing your discussing. So Hamlet, you know Hamlet, right?"

She stared blankly at me and feigned understanding, "yay, Hamlet!"

"'Yay, Hamlet.' Jesus, come on, America, fund your schools… Okay, so Hamlet, great work or literature, but anyway, there's this line, 'Sleeping in mine orchard, a serpent stung me.' So there, you've got this dangling participle of 'sleeping', it's describing what's happening, but you're left being all like, 'what? Who's sleeping, they're in an orchard?' But if he'd said, 'I was sleeping in mine orchard, a serpent stung me' it would be all good because you give a subject for the participle to hang on to, but I mean he's Shakespeare, so he can dangle whatever he wants to. Makes sense?"

"I… think so…"

"Cool, well give that bad boy a subject to hang on to, I'm gonna go smoke a cigarette and then I'll come see how you're doing."

"Can you see if John's almost done with dinner, too."

"You got it."

I left the study and found John setting the table for three, looking disappointed, "Laf's not coming, I guess he's sick."

"Bummer, he okay?" That weasely little Frenchman, I shook my head and restrained a laugh.

"I guess he's fine, supposed to be there in the morning. How's the paper going?"

"It makes me question the entire South Carolinian school system, but comforts me to know that your being terrible at English isn't just your problem. Gonna step out for a minute."

"Cool, dinner's almost ready."

I nodded and stepped out onto the balcony, pulling out my phone to scroll Twitter, Lafayette had texted me earlier, **I said I was sick, too nervous I'll spoil everything, see you tomorrow!**

I shook my head and laughed around the cigarette in between my lips, Lafayette made himself incredibly scarce this week after almost ruining the surprise on three separate occasions. John noticed his absence and was in a pissy mood.

After my cigarette, I took a final glance at the edits that Polly had made to her paper, agreeing we'd finish going over it later in the evening. We settled around the table for dinner.

"I can't believe he didn't come to see you off." John stabbed a piece of broccoli a little too hard.

"It's really okay, Jack, he said he was gonna come to the airport tomorrow and see me off then." Polly smiled sympathetically.

"He just isn't feeling that great, this shitty weather does it to everyone, it's okay." I tried to reassure him, working over my lip between my teeth to try and keep from either cracking a smile at the secret that would come to fruition in just over a dozen hours or ruining the surprise just to wipe the hurt off his face.

"Still, he could come feel shitty here. We have a couch… I made dinner."

I texted Lafayette under the table, **John is so pissed at you, have fun apologizing tomorrow.**

He texted me back quickly, **oh no, remind him I am a good person, I just have a very large mouth.**

I responded, **big mouth, Laf, it's just a coincidence that you have a large mouth.**

"Work bugging you? I thought the office was closed." John knit his eyebrows and looked at the phone in my hand.

"It's nothing, querido." I nudged his calf with the side of my foot.

John stared at his plate and Polly shot me a glance, lips pursed tightly to keep from smiling. I held her glance, willing her to be strong and keep it together. Knowing that we had an early start we all went to bed pretty quickly once the dishes from dinner had been washed. Out of earshot of John I agreed to finish helping her with her paper once we were all back in South Carolina.

"Still can't believe Laf didn't come over, Polly barely got to see him this whole trip, she hasn't gotten to see him in years."

"I know, he's just not feeling good. She'll see him tomorrow."

"Yeah, if he shows."

"Oh, stop, he'll show, I've never ever known him to let you down before now."

"I know. I'm just sad, too, because Polly has to go home, and I just wish I could see everyone else. Christmas sucks."

"You're in quite the mood tonight."

"I'm sorry, I'll shape up, just a weird time of year."

I thought of my own sordid history with the holiday and agreed with him, "it is, but we get to have our first Christmas together."

"I think you'll like what I got you." His voice lightened.

"I think you'll like what I got you, too." I agreed, biting hard on my lip to shut myself up.

"Ugh, I wish Polly could stay longer," John laughed to himself.

"What?" I asked in response to his fit of giggles.

"I was just remembering this one Christmas, it was so bad, everything went wrong. I don't think Polly had even come along yet, but all us kids had strep throat, Martha had the flu too, our dog knocked over the Christmas tree, it was a mess. Miss Bette burned the turkey while she and my mom were trying to clean up the Christmas tree and tend to us kids."

"Who's Miss Bette? You've never mentioned her before."

"She was one of our… I guess like governesses or nannies or maids or something, dad always hired staff for the household even though mom hated it, wanted to run her own house. Miss Bette was nice, though, she made really good PB & Js. After Miss Susie retired when I was like fifteen or sixteen, he didn't hire anyone else. I thought it was normal growing up."

"Damn, y'all on some 'Get Out' next level bullshit... governesses." I chuckled.

"I didn't like how my dad treated them… or anyone else really, but they were nice ladies."

"You grew up a million worlds away from me, John."

"Then it's even more amazing that I found you. I'd cross a million more worlds for you."


	10. Chapter 10

**Got a lot going on in this chapter! I hope you guys enjoy the whirlwind. My plan is to spit out a chapter a day still until this weekend, then it's a free for all, so who knows what will happen. Side note, the other day I cleaned out my car and found 9 (NINE!) coffee cups. It's a problem... Thank you guys so much for the support. Your reviews mean the world to me. I know it's cheesy, but it's true.**

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I tried to sound sad as we finished packing Polly up, bright and early, I was nursing a cup of coffee, buzzing from the excitement and the rush of caffeine. John moped about as he collected odds and ends of her belongings. I grabbed my satchel and stepped into my shoes before gulping down the rest of my coffee.

"You want your go-mug?" John asked from the kitchen.

"Nope, I'm okay." I responded, really wanting it, but not wanting the TSA to fuss over the likelihood of it being a bomb.

"Are they all dirty?"

"Yup!" I said insistently, I wasn't sure, but I didn't want any fuss over his, either.

He appeared from the kitchen, holding a mug of still-steeping tea, "damn, I wanted to bring my tea."

"Bummer."

Lafayette let himself in, looking more comfortable than usual in a pair of joggers and a sweatshirt. It fit with his whole, 'not feeling well' schtick, "good morning, mes amies!"

"Hey, Laf." I waved.

John almost rolled his eyes, and mumbled a, "hi."

Polly appeared, suitcase in hand.

"Ready to go?" I asked the room.

They all confirmed.

"You really need your bag, Alex?" John questioned, tugging at the strap of my messenger bag where it hung on my chest.

"Yes." I said a little too quickly.

He glanced at the backpack Lafayette had slung across his back and furrowed his brow and looked at me curiously before shrugging. I made sure all of the lights were off and locked up behind us. John helped Polly with her bag.

On the train, Polly took a few final pictures of the city and made small talk with Lafayette about what all she'd done over the course of the week.

We made it to Laguardia, the omnipresent flood of travelers a disorienting headrush. John let out a heavy sigh and wrapped Polly up in a big hug once we got to gate.

"You have your ticket?" He asked her.

"Oh no!" She cried, putting forth an Oscar-worthy performance, she knit her brows together, mouth popping into a shocked 'o'.

"I've got it," I patted her shoulder, trying to look reassuring and casual as I reached into my bag, and pulled the papers out from where they were nestled just beside my laptop. I looked at them with concern and then stared into John's face, trying to convey puzzlement.

"What's the matter?" John asked, his face evolving.

"It's just so weird," I started, and stepped closer to him so he could see the papers, I looked over my shoulder at him, "there's four tickets here."

"...What?" I watched the wheels spin in his mind, gears cranking to try and make sense of the information.

"I'm taking you home for Christmas, querido." I said it quietly, almost a secret between us.

"What?" His eyes lit up, shimmering.

I nodded, "merry Christmas, mi amor. Te amo."

"Alexander." He gasped, throwing his arms around me.

"I'm coming as well." Lafayette tapped him on the shoulder.

"Seriously?" His mouth hung on a broken hinge.

"Seriously."

"That's why you've been so weird! You're not sick at all, you just know what a blabbermouth you are!" He slapped Lafayette's arm playfully.

Lafayette nodded, grinning guiltily.

"This is amazing… but we don't have any clothes or anything."

"Taken care of." I smiled.

"Patsy picked up our luggage from the post office, we shipped everything that you will need." Lafayette informed him.

He hunched forward in surprise, "are you serious? You really did all this?"

I nodded and pulled him back into a hug, "I figured the best gift I could give you was your family, I know it's been a long time since you've had Christmas with them… and well, you're welcome this year, so I figured we should take advantage of that."

"This is the best gift ever, I love you so much."

"I love you, too. Now come on, we don't want to just stand here."

We made it through security, unsurprised when Lafayette was 'randomly' selected for a second pass of the wand. Boarding was quick, I'd opted for Business Class on the sheer premise that I couldn't tolerate shelling out for first class, but it was still nicer than economy. On the plane, I sat beside John, Lafayette and Polly in the row in front of us.

"Am I the last to know?" John asked.

"Sure are, everyone else was in on it." I swallowed, my knee bouncing of its own volition.

"I can't believe you pulled this off, I'm such an ass, I was so mean to Laf."

Lafayette looked at us between the seats, "you were."

"Sorry… you still love me."

"Aren't you lucky for that?"

"Whatever."

I halfway listened to the safety procedures and tried to keep my breathing even.

"You doing alright?" John rubbed circles across my boxy kneecap.

I pressed my lips into a tight smile, "fun fact, statistically speaking, passengers in a devastating plane crash have a 24% chance of dying."

"You and I have very different ideas of what the term 'fun fact' means, but I'm sure we'll be fine."

"I have a more comprehensive grasp on the English language, we'll go with my definition... Let's hope that this isn't flight 1.2 million."

"What?"

"Well, that's the odds of plane crashes, one in 1.2 million. Hopefully this isn't 1.2 million."

"You have plane crash statistics memorized?"

"Looked them up again the other night, memorized them then, wanted to make sure the data was the same. Did you know that over 300 people have died in plane crashes in the last two years alone?"

"Alex, you're okay. We're totally safe." We started moving and I felt less inclined to believe him.

"I mean, we're safe now, it's the descent you have to watch out for, that's when 47% of crashes happen, they're the most lethal ones, too."

"I'm totally revoking your internet privileges when we get home." My hand found his as we made our initial climb.

The flight was uneventful, no dying happened, not even a crash, Lafayette and Polly slept the whole ride. Martha picked us up from the airport, we climbed into her Range Rover, John taking the middle seat in the back between me and Polly, Lafayette rode up front, chatting with Martha for the entire journey out of the city and to their country home. John beamed, face split in two by his grin.

I leaned over and whispered in his ear, "you happy, querido?"

He nodded vigorously. We got to the Laurens estate, car rolling down the long drive before we came to a stop. Harry waited on the front porch, Ellie running the length of the wood planks, tagging between the two swings. She was bigger and faster.

John tackled Harry into a hug and stooped to talk to the baby who looked at him suspiciously, she pushed past him and grabbed at the leg of my jeans, I bent down to talk to her and she grinned, looking at John and pointing at me.

"I know, I know, he's your buddy, I'm chopped liver." John smirked.

Ellie raised her arms to me, I obliged and picked her up, she tangled her little fingers in my hair, "how you been, chiquita?"

She looked into my eyes and babbled an unintelligible response.

"Hmm, sounds like you've been keeping busy. Any thoughts on the stock market?"

Drool dribbled down her chin and she chewed a finger contemplatively before babbling again.

"Definitely agree, the Dow's in rough shape." I nodded.

She rubbed her cheek against my beard and giggled before shimmying down to the ground again.

"She's so big!" John squealed to Martha.

"Told you, it's crazy, she turned two and bam, just over night, she's not my baby anymore." Martha agreed. We went inside - the house looking more lived in, less pristine and terrifying since I'd last seen it - and found Jem lounging on the couch, playing his Nintendo Switch.

"'Sup, loser? Mr. I'm way too cool to say hi to my brother." John threw his hip into Jem's shoulder.

"Hey, Jack… Alexander… You're still around," He sounded almost surprised, _can't get rid of me that easily, asshole,_ "congrats. No one else has ever been able to tolerate my brother for this long."

"Hi Jem, while I can commiserate the struggle, I plan on tolerating him for a very long time." I smirked at him.

Lafayette was still talking to Martha, Ellie was bewildered by him, his glasses now covered in her fingerprints.

"So, Jack, you really didn't know?" Harry was behind us.

"Not a clue til this morning." He confirmed.

"Well played, Hamilton!" Harry high fived me.

"Thanks, Lafayette's the one who had trouble keeping the secret."

"Doesn't surprise me. Dude's never been good at secrets…" he shot a glance at Lafayette, "have you?"

Lafayette's cheeks burned, "I didn't mean it!"

"What?" I looked between them, stuck in the dark.

"You want to tell it or should I?" Harry asked him.

"You can." Lafayette hung his head and freed a coil of hair from Ellie's grasp.

"So, Lafayette was a good kid, right? Until big bad New York City got a hold of him, but growing up, he was a pure little dude. There was this one night where me and Jack snuck out and went to a party, and well-"

John cut in, "-it's the night I totalled the Mercedes."

"Harry was with you? What was he, like 12?" I looked on in horror between the two of them.

"I was 13, but hey, shit gets weird when your mom dies."

"Fair." I agreed and listened to the rest of the story.

"But Laf told our dad about it." John got back to the story

"Snitch." Harry crossed his arms.

"It's a good thing, too! You both could have died." Lafayette countered from his place on the couch.

"But we didn't!" John reminded him.

"I mean, dad almost killed us." Harry laughed.

"Oh, shut up, punk, you mean dad almost killed me, you were still the golden boy… next to Jemmy anyway, he didn't like you hanging around me all the time," John put his back against Harry's and rocked side to side, like a bear trying to scratch an itch against a tree, "afraid I'd rub all the gay off on you. C'mere, need to give you some of my gay."

Harry slammed his back against John, their heads clacking together, John rubbed the back of his head and turned around to properly shove Harry. Lafayette and I exchanged horrified glances at the impressive show of sibling rivalry. Harry _accidentally_ kneed John between the legs, he dropped to his knees and doubled over, the wind knocked out of him, he lunged his arm out and one knuckle punched Harry in the thigh. Harry's leg went out and he braced himself against the couch.

"Gentlemen!" Martha boomed, the hair on the back of my neck prickled at her tone.

"Sorry, Pats." John's voice was higher than I'd ever heard it.

"Sorry." Each syllable drug out in Harry's somber voice, he rubbed his thigh and offered a hand to John. They grinned at each other as John let his brother help him up.

"Fuckin' losers," Jem muttered and excused himself upstairs.

John and Harry stuck their tongues out in his direction once his back was turned.

Martha bounced Ellie on her knees and cooed in sing song, "you're gonna need so much therapy when you grow up."

"It's not so bad." I offered, earning a smile from John.

John leaned against the back of the couch shaking a leg out, trying to adjust his abused manhood inconspicuously. I offered a sympathetic smirk and he joined me on the couch opposite of the one Lafayette and Martha sat on, laying his legs across my lap.

"You two did not make it hard to be the good one." Lafayette mused at the two boys.

"I can only imagine what it was like." I empathized with him.

Ellie slid off Martha's lap and banged on the tv cabinet, "M'ana! M'ana!"

"No, baby, no Moana right now, maybe later, it's almost time for nap." Martha calmed her.

Ellie knit her eyebrows together and stamped her tiny foot, "No! M'ana!"

"Sorry, not right now, love."

Big tears rolled down Ellie's cheeks and she shrieked, "M'ana now, mama!"

"No ma'am, looks like it's naptime now, since we can't be kind," she picked her daughter up, "tell uncle John and Alexander you'll see them later, and maybe if we can be kind after nap we'll watch. Let's go."

Ellie sobbed as she was carted away to her room. John and I exchanged pouts empathizing with the baby's outburst.

"She is precious." Lafayette sighed.

"Damn, I was kinda ready to watch Moana again." I admitted.

John shot me a surprised look.

"What? Songs are fucking catchy." I shrugged.

"So when y'all gonna start having babies?" Harry asked.

Lafayette's brows made a mad dash toward his hairline in surprise.

"Uh… Well… I don't… We've only…" John stammered, "we haven't been together that long."

"Just curious, Alexander's so good with Ellie I figured you guys would be in a rush to start giving Ellie cousins. Jack's always wanted to be a dad, did you know that Alexander?"

I smirked at John, his ears growing bright red, "I had a hunch."

"Sure be a better dad than ours was, Jackie!"

"Like that's hard." John grumbled. I rubbed his legs, trying to reassure him.

"You want to be a dad?" Harry looked at me.

Lafayette's eyes darkened, lashes falling over them as he looked at the ground, suddenly finding his thumbnail very interesting, confirming my suspicion that John talked to him about my past, I didn't mind, knew from the jump that they were a packaged deal.

I bit my lip, hands hesitating from rubbing John's shin, fingers twitching for a cigarette, "someday."

John's lips twitched in a tiny smile, he looked at me with secret, hopeful eyes.


	11. Chapter 11

**Sorry for not getting this out sooner. Thank you so much for taking the time to read. Your support means the world to me! Hope you like this chapter.**

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"Still got the Rolls?" John asked Martha.

"Sure do."

"Babe, you wanna go shopping with me?" he stood behind me, draping his arms over my shoulders, hands clasped in front of my chest.

"Sure," I turned my attention to Lafayette, currently playing on the floor with Ellie, "you wanna go, Laf?"

"I have the baby's attention, you two go and enjoy being alone."

 _Bless that man._

"Let's go." John took my hand and led us to the garage that still held the far too expensive car.

I buckled myself in and tried to prepare myself to be in the car with John, "where are we going?"

"I need presents for all these yahoos." He grinned over at me.

 _Fuck… I didn't even think about that... Or budget it._ I crunched numbers in my mind, careful calculations, eyes darting from side to side as I mentally projected the information.

"Hey," he interrupted me, apparently sensing my rising stress, and took my hand across the center console, "from us. We're an us now."

I bit my lip around a smile and looked at him, "us."

He winked at me and put the car in reverse, once out of the garage he kept reversing, not turning around for the long driveway like a normal person, gunning the engine, speed climbing into the 30s.

"Please don't kill me on Christmas Eve. Most of my life has been a sick joke, but that's a little much even for me." I clutched the strap of the seat belt pressed against my chest.

"You're fine. Perfectly safe." He threw the shifter from reverse to drive and spun the car around, gravel kicking up and tinking against the paintjob worth more than my education.

We were on the winding county road, I refused to look at the speedometer, instead watching the fire in John's eyes as he opened a hand to slide it around the steering wheel on turns - ignoring the lurch in my stomach - or how his eyes would narrow, tongue flicking out between his lips as he inched the speed a little more. I scooted back in the seat, praying that it would give a little more room to my jeans as they became more and more constricting.

"You trying to kill us is one of the biggest turn ons I didn't know I had."

He laughed, "I am not trying to kill you."

John's hand pulled away from my own and slid up my thigh to between my legs, feeling the hardness there. He quirked an eyebrow, tongue darting across his full bottom lip. He turned sharply, hand never leaving my crotch.

"Changed my mind." He bit his lip and took the car up a steep ascent, thick with trees, hand fondling me through my jeans.

"About killing me?"

"No, dummy, about where we're going."

We finally arrived at the top, a clearing that overlooked the Ashley River, he parked in the tiny parking lot, packed dirt, enough space for three cars. He unclipped himself and got out.

"Come here, Alex!" He called, looking out at the river.

Hesitantly, I got out of the car. The bluff we stood on provided a beautiful view of the river and the quaint shopping district below.

"It's beautiful… but why are we here?"

He took my hand and led me back to the car, though, this time to the backseat.

"'Cause all the bad kids in Charleston know this is the make out spot. Come up here, smoke a blunt, look up at the stars from the bed of a pick up and do the deed. No one comes up here with pure intentions."

"Did you really just say 'bed of a pick up'?" I asked as he threw a leg over me, straddling me, his head craned awkwardly in the short car.

"Sure did, now switch me places, you're littler than me."

"I'm not little!" I insisted, complying with request anyway.

He palmed me through my jeans, "no, you're not, babe. God damn."

"Why don't we just move this party to the floor?" I gestured around him, the floorboards were more like a small hallway.

"Don't care, just want you." He peeled my shirt off.

I pulled his off as well, grinding down on him, desperate for some kind of friction. He kicked his shoes off and slid us to the floor, me still on top of him. I yanked his pants off, his legs fell open, cock standing at attention. He bit his lip and looked up at me with lust hooded eyes.

"Alexander?" He breathed into my neck.

"Yeah, John?" I tucked our discarded clothing under his head.

"Wanna be on top, babe, please?"

"Mm, you got it." We switched places, grinning at the awkwardness that was car sex.

I lie on the clothing nest and let John situate himself between my legs, he sucked on his fingers before reaching them toward me, he lie across me, our warm chests together, his fingers traipsing my sensitive skin.

"No lube, sorry, babe, I'll be gentle."

My back arched at the pressure, the burn, I dug my nails against the curve of his tricep.

"You okay?" He asked, fingers slowing their ministrations.

"Yes, goddammit, Laurens don't stop." I hissed.

The inherent roughness of the scratchy car carpeting against my back and the absence of lube made me grow harder between us, he wasn't usually rough, that wasn't a bad thing - proved to me it didn't have to be rough to get me off - _but god it's a nice change of pace._

"Feeling okay?" He looked into my face with those hazel doe eyes, long lashes painting shadows across his face in the low hanging sunshine.

"I'm good, I'm ready. Please just fuck me."

"My Alexander, alway impatient, always insatiable." He slid his fingers free and licked a small stripe across his palm, suddenly bashful.

I grabbed his hand and spat in his palm, "get over it, fuck me already. Jesus fucking Christ."

He stared at his hand and shrugged, stroking his cock to coat it. With the base in hand he guided himself in, I raked pink lines down his chest, our moans mingling in the close confines of the car.

"Feels good?" He brushed hair back from my forehead, trying to find his pace.

"So good. Harder." I pleaded.

His eyes widened, "I don't want to hurt you, Alex."

"Fuck it. Hurt me. Just, God, need more." I hitched a leg up on the backseat giving him more access.

He sped up a little bit, rolling his hips in a flick at the end of each stroke, finding my prostate. _Better._ He smiled down at me and kissed me. My kiss turned hungrier, tongue reaching out toward his, desperate for every ounce of connection. Still athirst for more, I gripped his hips firmly, plunging them toward me, bucking my own hips up to meet him. I bit his lip, tugging his face closer to mine.

"You make me feel so fucking good." I threw back my head.

"Holy shit." He gasped.

"John, Jesus." My stomach clenched.

"Alex, Alex-" He breath caught.

Our orgasms chased each other, leaving behind a tangled, sweaty, heaving mess of the two of us.

"I love you, querido." I kissed his forehead, licking the saltiness off my lips.

He pulled his shirt on after examining the raising red marks down his chest, "I love you, too. Damn, don't think I've ever fucked anyone that hard, I mean, _been fucked_ that hard, but I've never done it."

"Fun, isn't it?" I could feel how dark with lust my eyes were as I pulled on my own clothes.

He nodded, still breathless.

Finally dressed we got out of the car, I lit a cigarette and leaned a hip against the hood. He stood behind me, arms around my waist, chin on my shoulder, looking out at the river.

"I can't believe we're here. This was the best surprise ever. Thank you so much, love."

"Anything for you, mi amor. Merry Christmas, it's best I've got." I flicked the cigarette on the ground where it lie surrounded by blunt shells, the roaches of joints, condom wrappers, broken beer bottles, emptied airplane bottles and other riff raff refuse.

"Te amo." He leaned forward and kissed my cheek.

"Te amaré siempre." I turned to face him.

"Forever's a long time." He smirked.

"Not with you, querido… With you, it's barely long enough."

He kissed me, hand on the small of my back, the other tangled in my hair. Eventually we came up for air and his hand left my hair to join the other on the small of my back.

"Para siempre."

I grinned up at him.

"We should get going." I reminded him.

"I suppose. Kinda just want to take out more of my daddy issues on you."

"I mean, hey, if you fuck me like that again, I'm game."

"It's the car, the car helps."

"It's a badass car."

"Well, and I was barely even allowed to ride in it," he laughed, "and now I'm laying my boyfriend in it. Suck it!"

"You know, you've crossed off a sexual exploit for me." I smirked at him.

"Really?"

I nodded, "never had sex in a car before. It's impractical, but it's fun."

"You never had sex in a car?"

I shook my head, "New Yorker since I was seventeen, didn't have too terribly many sexual encounters before then."

"Whoa. I lost my virginity in a car. I realized I wasn't straight in a car."

"Nope, not me, I never had a car to go to."

"I guess my dad's a big part of the reason why, too, though. I mean I had to sneak everywhere."

"No more sneaking. I mean, we just did it in his car."

"We sure did."

He took his place behind the wheel, I sat across from him. Acutely aware of my soreness, I smiled to myself and shifted my weight to a hip. He noticed the repositioning.

"You sure you're alright?"

"I'm golden." I reassured him.

He took the car down the steep hill and continued the journey into the shopping district, finding what he called 'rock star parking'. We strolled down the same cobblestone streets as we had when we went shopping for Polly's funeral dress, the ice cream parlour now closed for the winter. We walked hand in hand, me rubbing a circle across the back of John's hand any time people looked at us cross eyed, his hand tightening on mine, willing me silently to bite my tongue. We found gifts for his siblings and niece.

"I have presents for you and Lafayette at home… but they're hidden," he bit his lip.

"I don't need a present, querido. You're my gift."

"Holidays are making you soft, love." he nudged me gently with his shoulder.

"No, that's all you."

He giggled.

"Really, John? I'm trying to be sweet and you can't keep your mind out of the gutter? This is why I'm not sweet."

"I'm sorry, I just, you make it easy."

Giving into the opportunity I whispered in his ear, letting my lips brush the shell, "only because you're easy."

I felt his shudder and smirked to myself. _Don't try and out wordplay me, sucker. I'm the goddamn wordplay king._

Once we got back home, it was long dark, Lafayette was napping on the couch, his hair braided into little cornrows, handiwork that John deduced had to belong to Polly. Martha was on the floor in bleach stained yoga pants, hair twisted on top her head, surrounded by gifts and wrapping paper.

"Need any help, Pats?" John sat on the floor across from her.

"That would be great, David got called into the clinic, I guess there was a really bad pileup on 52 and there were a lot of injuries. I hope he's home by morning." She handed John a roll of tape.

"You don't wrap do you?" John turned his attention to me.

"Don't you remember that I rolled up your birthday present in a Fairway Market sack?" I reminded him.

"Right. Okay, well, you're off the hook."

I patted his back and went outside for a cigarette, the air held a coolness to it, far warmer than anything New York would be seeing this time of year. As I smoked, I fell into a rabbit hole. _Us._

 _Us happy._

 _Us together._

 _Three of us._

I couldn't quite clear the fog that hung between me and the picture in my mind, but could make out enough for the warmth blooming in me to scare me as I sat, swinging lightly on the porch swing. Mind circling back to Harry asking us about kids.

 _Three of us, hands linked together, so little, between John and I. The sound of John's laughter, a smaller laugh with the same cadence. Strolling through Central Park, little one chasing the geese while John and I stood nearby nestled into the embrace of one another. John and I in a similar spot as Martha, frazzled on Christmas Eve, John fretting over the wrapping while I worked to make cookies look eaten. Me, showing how letters are formed, reminding which way the bowl faces on a 'little b' versus a 'little d'._

My cigarette had put itself out at the filter. I lit another, actually remembering to smoke this one, trying to clear the fantasies from my mind. The fantasies of _us,_ of what could be. I started listing off all the reasons why it could never be, should never be, not the least of which was me, halfway functional, not really role model material, certainly no qualifier for parent of the year… _but to deny John of that?_ Harry said it out loud, _John's always wanted to be a dad._

As if drawn by my internal conflict, John materialized on the porch with me.

"This seat taken?" He asked, sitting down.

"Is now."

"Whatcha thinking about, babe?"

"Ghosts of Christmas Future." I flicked ash off the end of my smoke.

"Oh, yeah? Like what?" He cozied up to me.

"Like, I don't know, what life will be like."

"What do you want it to be like?"

"Want you to be there." It wasn't a lie.

"Good. I want to be there." He tucked my hair behind my ear.

"Almost midnight, want a Christmas present?"

"What's that?"

"I was thinking something in the orgasm category."

"I'm always down." I agreed enthusiastically.

We settled ourselves upstairs and curled up in bed, relaxing into each other.

"What's that sound, John?" I sat up listening to the thumping sound emanating through the walls.

"Shh… Shh... " John turned his head and started giggling quietly.

A hushed voice audible through the wall now, breathing heavily and laughing.

"What is that?" I couldn't quite make it out.

John dissolved into a fit of giggles and whispered, "I'd know that shit anywhere."

"Is that…" I trailed off.

"That, my love, is my best friend having skype sex with Hercules."

I opened my mouth and shut it, repeating the gesture twice, "are you serious?"

The thumping became more rhythmic, definitely skype sex.

"This is not my first rodeo, watch this."

John looked like he was doing complicated trigonometry in his mind and reached behind the headboard, sliding his hand across the wall, "there it is."

"What?" I whispered.

"The perfect spot." He grinned at me and smacked the wall as hard as possible, one of his cross country plaques swayed on its hook on the wall and there was a yelp that could only have belonged to Lafayette - or maybe Polly - and the thump of a body hitting the floor.

John erupted into a fit of giggles and doubled over on me. I cracked a smile and laughed back. An earth shattering bang crashed against the wall, the cross country plaque threatening to fall. John laughed harder and tapped a pattern out on the wall, it was returned.

"What is this? Morse code?" I rolled my eyes.

"No, hold on, it means we want to talk to each other." John moved a painting - his own work - off the wall, revealing a little hole in the plaster, he peered into it.

"Bonsoir." Lafayette chuckled from his room into the hole in the wall.

"Hi." John replied.

"Joyeux Noël!" I offered to him.

He wished me a Merry Christmas as well. I could still hear Hercules on the laptop, shouting in the background, desperate for answers about what had happened.

"So, why do you have a glory hole to Lafayette's bedroom?" I asked of John.

"It's not a glory hole, you spazz, it's so we could still talk when I got in trouble and got sent to my room." John explained.

"You're strange."

"Hey, you get lonely when you're stuck in your room for a week." He pointed out.

"So you went full Shawshank?"

"I mean pretty much."

"This is like 'V For Vendetta' crazy."

"Are you through with tormenting me now?" Lafayette asked, exasperated.

"For now." John agreed and hung the painting back up.

"Damn, you had a crazy upbringing." I shook my head.

He shrugged, "is what it is. Didn't you ever get in trouble?"

"With who? My dad bailed when I was little, my mom died. What, my cousin was supposed to discipline me? I grew up buck wild."

"I guess I forget that sometimes."

"Lucky you, I've spent a lot of time trying not to remember, but I'm here now. Made it out. Things are good."

"They sure are." He swathed me in his arms.

"Feliz Navidad." I smiled at him in the lamplight.

"Merry Christmas, Alexander."


	12. Chapter 12

John sat outside with me for my first cigarette, the rest of the Laurens kids all in various states of getting up and ready to open their gifts. The festivities were still a ways off from beginning as the six other people in the house sorted themselves. I nursed a cup of coffee while he he leaned against me, looking at my phone over my shoulder as I tried to refresh Twitter, coming up with no new content.

"I have the worst service when I'm down here." I complained.

"No, you're on WiFi, I mean, otherwise you'd have the worst service, but look, you're on WiFi. You probably just need to reboot your phone."

"Ugh, it takes forever." I depressed the power button and waited for it to restart.

"Then you can pay attention to me, Merry Christmas," John nuzzled against me closer.

"You, too, querido. Not a shabby one, you're home, it's our first together."

"My dad's not here." He grinned.

"Wasn't gonna say that one."

"Really? Because that seems like it's totally your territory."

"Eh, it's Christmas and this is only my first cup of coffee, first cigarette. Give me a minute to wake up." My phone settled and turned back on, immediately buzzing with notifications that hadn't come through over the lady two days.

"See, I told you. Probably, you need a new phone."

"Well, those are like 800 bucks, so, that's gonna have to wait."

He smiled at me and fidgeted with my hair.

I started attacking the impressive notification list, majority of them from news apps, some from the Crossword Puzzle game I had, Tweets I missed, and emails.

The emails felt the most pressing, John glanced down at the size of my inbox.

"Jesus! How do you have 14,000 unread emails?"

"I just… do?"

"Ack, how does that not give you anxiety?"

"Uh… because I'm already too busy having anxiety about other things to get anxiety about undeleted emails?"

"Oh, well, well that's fair."

I looked back to the emails, scrolling past irrelevant ones until I froze, I looked at John.

"There's one from Columbia."

His voice was mellow and soothing, "open it."

I lit another cigarette and raked my hand through my hair. I tapped the email and it loaded, my eyes darted over the text.

'Dear Mr. Hamilton, after scrupulous review of the admission essay that we received from you we are pleased and honoured to invite you to the Columbia University program of Law beginning in the Spring semester. Please see the attached information for the enrollment process. Enrollment must occur by December 29th in order to reserve your spot in classes. Congratulations from the admissions department.'

John read slower than I did, I turned to him and watched him read it, his face tight with anticipation, I took a drag on the cigarette. He turned to me, eyes exploding in… _pride?_ He flung his arms around me, a drop of coffee splashing to the ground as he hugged me. I tucked my cigarette between my lips and held on to him.

"You got in!" He looked up at me.

"I got in." I said around the smoke.

"I always knew you would."

I shrugged.

"Alexander, I am so proud of you. You amaze me."

"It's pretty cool, isn't it?" My lips pulled back of their own volition.

"So cool, and like, the best Christmas present in the world."

Martha appeared at the door and stepped out onto the porch.

"Morning, guys. Sorry to interrupt, we're about to get started."

I snuffed my burned down cigarette, waving the remaining smoke that clung in the air away from Martha.

"Patsy, guess what?" John beamed.

"What?"

"Alex got into law school!"

She squealed in delight and threw her arms around me, surprising both of us. My back straightened, but I patted her back and let her get in a final squeeze.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Hugs... right... sorry, but, Alexander! That's so amazing! You're going to be a lawyer! John! He's gonna be a lawyer!"

"I know, Pats, isn't it amazing?" John grabbed my hand.

"So amazing."

My cheeks burned from the attention, I chugged the dregs of my coffee.

"Thanks, Martha," I smiled as warmly as I knew how, "what do you say we release the hounds and let them open presents?"

We all made our way to the formal living room where the floor to ceiling bay windows were occupied by a grand tree, ornately decorated, lights twinkling. Presents flooded the room. John took my coffee cup.

"Alright, everybody, we ready?" Martha asked.

I looked around, everyone accounted for except David. I shot a look at Martha, she inferred it.

"Been in surgery since four a.m. Told me the show must go on." She smiled sadly at Ellie.

I looked over to Lafayette, "get John's camera?"

Lafayette, looking bleary eyed, hair now out of its cornrows, pulled up high in a puff on the crown of his head picked up the camera beside him and showed it to me.

"Perfect." I smiled.

John returned with a fresh cup of coffee for me. I took it gratefully as he sat behind me, legs on either side of me and pulled me against his chest, I rested my forearms on his knees, once again enjoying how well we fit together, grateful I'd learned to lean into loving him.

The Christmas debauchery unfolded, wrapping paper shucked in various directions.

John watched in delight as his siblings opened their gifts, giggling in my ear at their surprised faces, pressing kisses in my hair to come down from the high of his happiness. He sipped his tea and stayed curled up tightly to me. Lining up shots with the camera in front of us, holding me in place when I'd offered to move.

Ellie squealed with delight each time she tore into the brightly coloured paper, getting to a point where she was assisting everyone else with opening their gifts. Harry, now playing Santa - handed John a few of his own packages. John opened them around me, a few new pairs of jeans, a new lens for his camera, new sport coat almost identical to the one he wore almost every day. Lafayette presented me with a new messenger bag and a pen that supposedly writes at any angle, telling me that John told him about my propensity to write upside down in bed, pen hovering over my head, often frustrated that my pens wouldn't defy gravity. He seemed happy with his crepe making kit, I'd remembered him complaining about missing crepes more than anything about living in France, other than Paris, can't bring Paris to him, but crepes I can handle… and maybe benefit from.

I didn't mind not getting anything from John's family, just happy to be wrapped up in John, watching the festivities. Relishing having somewhere warm and friendly to be on the holiday.

"Alright, last one." Harry grinned, pulling the hefty package out from under the tree.

"Who's it to?" Martha asked, a terrible actress.

Harry slid it to me, "for you, Alexander."

"Don't worry, it's from all of us." Martha promised.

I tore into the wrapping and pulled the flaps of the repurposed Amazon shipping box open, finding cozy sweaters inside. I pulled one out and examined it, exactly my size, a rich navy colour, below the second one, a burnt sienna shade, was a shining new laptop. My mouth hung on a hinge.

"John said you could use a new one." Martha grinned.

"One that has all the keys." Harry laughed.

"For since you're all… like a writer and shit." Jem agreed.

"Wow, this is, thank you guys. I don't even, I mean, damn."

"Good surprise?" John whispered in my ear.

"You like it?" Polly asked.

"Amazing, yes, thank you guys."

"John picked it out," Martha explained.

"And you said your present was back at home." I looked up at him.

"It is, this isn't from me, this is all the other kids."

"Damn, thank you."

After we'd helped Martha clean up the paper and ribbons, everyone scattered to their rooms, ready for naps or downtime. I curled up with John in his bed as he looked through the photos he'd taken of everyone opening their gifts.

"They sure surprised you." John laughed.

"Yeah they did. That was crazy."

"Good Christmas?"

I traced lazy lines across his stomach, "best ever." I let sleep surround me, nuzzling against him.

When I woke up the room was empty, the sounds of laughter coming from downstairs, I went to join the rest of the family. _Well, not rest of, rest of implies that I'm family… I guess I'm kind of John's family, in a not really kind of way, but I don't know if that makes me their family. Semantics I suppose._

I passed by David, asleep on the couch, still in his scrubs. Ellie looked away from the movie she was watching to glance at me but quickly returned her interest to the screen.

"Hey, sugar." John kissed my cheek when I entered the kitchen, he stood over the stove.

The aroma of food hit me. The Laurens kids and Lafayette worked as a team, Martha was overseeing the turkey, John was stirring a pan of macaroni, Harry was peeling potatoes, Jem setting the table, Lafayette working on a tart, Polly was pouring tembleque into molds.

"Wow, uh, can I help?" I offered.

"Um… if you want to… check on the rolls, they're rising under that towel." Martha staffed me.

I lifted the towel, "they look… risen?"

"Yeah, Patsy, he can't cook." John sighed.

"That's a lie, I can too, you love my pizza rolls, trick is oven not microwave. How do I tell if these are good to go? I don't know how they looked before, so I'm not sure how much they were supposed to rise up."

John joined me, "those are fine."

"Should we put them in the oven?" I asked.

"Not just yet, we're still about forty five minutes out, so I'd say in about twenty minutes," Martha wiped her brow with the back of her hand, setting the turkey pan on a trivet on the counter, "you know how to make gravy?"

"There's flour in it, I think?"

"He's hopeless, Pats."

"Guess so, no worries, I'll make it. You still good on potato duty?"

"Golden." John confirmed.

"Sorry, I can, uh, do something else to help?" I offered.

"You mind getting the bacon out of the fridge?" she requested.

I could do that task, I opened the fridge and saw a large jug sitting on one of the shelves, I had to keep my eyes from rolling back in my head in delight, "is that coquito?"

"Sure is, Patsy makes the most amazing coquito."

"Oh, my God, I haven't had coquito in years, not since I left PR."

"Today's you're lucky day then, Alexander." Martha smiled, proud of herself.

I handed the package to her, "best Christmas ever! What should I do now?"

"You mind just chopping that for the greens?"

"Sure. If I can just get a knife."

"Easier trick, use these." She handed me a pair of kitchen shears and I chunked the bacon down.

Dinner was finally ready, Martha woke her husband and convinced Ellie to come to the table. We sat together and enjoyed a southern-Puerto Rican-French inspired feast.

After the meal I savoured two glasses of coquito, adding a splash of rum. John adorned the glasses with a little bit of cinnamon.

"John was right, Martha. You make some damned good coquito. Tastes like Christmas at home." _I regretted how freely the rum made the words fall from my mouth._

"Welcome home." John wiped froth from drink out of my moustache.

We both knew I meant home on the island. Home when I had a home, a family, but he wasn't entirely wrong either. Sometimes home is a person, a feeling. _Eliza was home. I'd lost that home just like the one with my mother in the hurricane._ But somehow I found another. _I was home. Home was him._


	13. Chapter 13

**Pacing is a little awkward in this chapter just to keep things moving, we're entering a helluva story arc, buckle up, queridos! Thank you so much for reading, I am excited to read your reviews and see what you think of where we're headed.**

* * *

John got to enjoy the rest of the week with his siblings. Even Jem was on his best behaviour. Polly and I finished her essay together and made a plan to get her English grade up this semester. He was sad to leave, but a contentment hung in the air as we said our goodbyes. Martha dropped the three of us off at the airport, giving everyone a final hug, containing herself to just a shoulder squeeze for me.

Once we were home, my brain ignited. I'd be a student again in just over a week. The office would open back up tomorrow. Things were back to their breakneck pace.

I was ordering books from the Columbia bookstore website when John let himself into my office, smiling at me using the new computer. He held a box wrapped in green paper and presented it to me. I smiled at him and took it as he came to sit on my desk.

"Open it." He smiled, resting a foot in my lap, the other swinging freely.

I tore the paper open, revealing a box that held my own pair of noise canceling headphones.

"For when you need to make the world disappear."

I smiled back at him, remembering how confused I'd been the night of the storm that he lay me down, put his giant headphones on me and held me against his chest until the rain stopped.

"It's perfect, thank you so much."

"Merry Christmas, babe."

I rubbed his shin where it sat in my lap and yawned, "need a cup of coffee, you want me to make you some tea?"

"Coffee? Come on, let's go to bed."

"Alright, alright," I conceded.

In bed he let me hold him, I wrapped myself around him, a little too tight.

"You alright?" He asked, adjusting himself in my grasp.

"Fine." My tone curt.

"Alex," he singsonged, "I know you, what's your problem?"

"Fuck, fine... Nervous. Anxious."

"That's okay, I figured. You anxious about school? Going back to work?"

"School."

"Have you tried the breathing exercises from your therapist?"

I rooted in his hair, deeply inhaling the strawberries, I nipped at his ear when I found the cartilage in the tangle of curls.

"Don't wanna breathe. Wanna fuck you."

He giggled and turned to kiss me, "breathe. Healthy coping skills. Breathe… I mean, what happens after that happens."

Grudgingly, I took a few deep breaths, letting each exhale hit his face, making the curls around his face dance. _I did feel better… dammit._ He watched me relax, hands finding my shoulders.

"See? So much better."

I nipped at his throat, "I hate it when you're right."

He moaned into my touch, I ran my tongue over the vibration in his throat, "don't you have an early morning tomorrow?"

"Stop being right, John." I sucked at his collarbone.

"Okay." His voice was breathy as he pulled at my clothing.

I took my shirt off and watched his pupils blow in the low light, he stripped as well.

"Come here." I grabbed his hips and pulled him lower on the bed.

"Not so fast. You stop it, Mr. Freaking the Hell Out. Want you to lay back and relax. Let me take care of you, babe."

I thought about it, "fine,"

He leaned in close, "I mean, I'll still ride you, just wanna give you a minute to be loved on."

With that he slunk down the length of my body and took me into his mouth, sitting back on my crossed ankles as he worked me over. I brushed his hair back, holding it out of his way in a fist, he batted his eyes and looked up at me. Those goddamned hazel doe eyes, the paint splatter of freckles. I took a deep breath and tried to slow my body down, loving whatever the hell it was that his tongue was currently doing. He pulled off and grinned at me, licking his lips, leaving me sloppy and swollen.

"John, please." I hated begging, probably why he loved it when I did.

"Shh." He cooed, sliding back up my body, poising himself over me.

"Wait, stop. I don't want to hurt you." I put my hand on his chest.

"I took care of business." He sounded so proud of himself.

"Wait, you… oh?" the wheels spun in my head and I spotted the lube lost in the bedsheets, _sly little minx._

He gripped my bicep with one hand and guided my shaft with the other, throwing his head back as he took me in. I held his hips and rubbed circles over his stomach, my lip seated between my teeth.

"Damn, you're so big." His mouth popped open into a little 'o', eyebrows coming together once he reached the base, our bodies united.

I leaned up, resting on my elbows, neck craning forward to kiss him.

"Come here, amante, I got you." I scooted us against the headboard, sitting up, him still straddling my lap, rocking just slightly for friction, his knees bent under him.

His hands found my neck, tipping my chin up to kiss me.

"I love you. I want you. I need you." He pressed our foreheads together, rocking his hips more urgently.

"Te necesito." I tightened the grip I had on his hips, the flesh there going from its fawn colour to white, and drove him down harder onto me.

"So amazing. So sexy." He panted, forehead dropping down to my shoulder.

"I love you, John Laurens." My voice was more of a growl than I'd anticipated, but it brought me joy as the sound caused him to arch into me.

He used his knees as leverage and bounced up and down my length more desperately, the headboard now rapping against the wall. His hands raked through my hair, one sliding down to cup my cheek, his touch still so delicate, so loving, even with his face contorting in pleasure. I took him in hand, working him over in time to the rolling ocean tide of his hips, he sat firmly on me and swung his hips in a figure eight. Tiny cries sneaking out of his throat, I felt his muscles contract, his orgasm following moments after, ricocheting into mine. We cleaned ourselves up and curled back into one another.

"I'm feeling way better now." I told him, combing through his soft hair with my fingers, delicately working the tangles loose.

"Still, you won't be able to do this every time that you feel anxious."

"I want to." I told him.

"It might be weird to just have sex with me in the middle of class."

I quirked an eyebrow at him.

"Alex." He admonished me.

"Just saying, be kinda hot, wouldn't it?"

He conceded, "maybe just a little."

The next week flew by, I settled back in at work and got ahead on my projects - both for work and learning everything I could about the cases we'd be reviewing in my classes - locking myself in my study, waking up a few mornings still in there, bent over a notebook, blanket draped around my shoulders by John before he went to bed. This was one of those mornings. I woke with a start to him rubbing my back, he handed me a cup of coffee.

"Shh, it's okay, babe, but you need to get up. We both overslept, it's seven, you have class in an hour."

"Fuck." I bolted out of the chair.

 _First day, already late, fuckfuckfuck. Of course, metaphor for my life, I'm wasting my time, my money, why am I even going to school?_

He sensed my thoughts from how they dressed my face, "hey, stop, go get dressed, I pressed your good jeans and a button down last night, figured you'd wanna look sharp on the first day."

I kissed his cheek, "my hero."

I, _of course_ , nicked myself in the mad dash to shave, never more grateful to keep my goatee, saved loads of time shaving. Pulled my hair back into a low messy bun, out of the way, not quite 'lawyer professional', but it would work. John leaned against the door frame, tea in hand and watched me get ready.

"You're gonna be great, and, hey, proud of you."

"Thanks." I nodded, running my teeth over my lip.

"Come here," he put his mug in my hands and unbuttoned my shirt, "missed one, I gotcha."

I blew out a breath and watched his hands work, tucking in my shirt as he fixed the buttons. He patted my chest and I stepped into my Vans.

"Thank you." I kissed him again.

"Go kill 'em, see you tonight." He took his tea back and squeezed my hand.

"Love you."

"I love you, too."

I was out the door, pushing the elevator button too many times, checked the time on my phone, 7:23, I should just make it. _They'll all notice how late you are, judge you, forget the relationship with that professor._ I pulled a deep breath in through my nose, expanding my chest and let it out slowly, feeling my pulse slow. The elevator took me to the ground. As if by magic the train was on time and it was smooth sailing down to Columbia. I smoked my morning cigarette as I entered the courtyard and found my classroom. I was in my seat by 7:56. _See, it's fine. Everything is fine._ The room was filled with nearly a hundred students.

The professor, a brown man - _well done, Columbia, look at you being all racially inclusive -_ took his place behind the podium, his tall, straight-backed appearance gave him a commanding aura. The lights gleamed on his shiny bald head.

"Good morning, students. I'm George Washington, your professor. You're all here because you have fire. No one wants to practice law from a place of passivity. You are taking on this journey either because you fear change or because you want history to turn its attention to you for creating change. It's not my place to influence which side of the table you sit on, and frankly, it doesn't matter, my job is to turn you bright-eyed and bushy tailed - though don't think for a minute I think it's genuine, I remember how much caffeine it takes for grad students to look like that - young people and turn you into lawyers with sharp tongues and quick minds capable of doing your job, following the law to a T, and defending your clients."

I liked him.

"On your desks you'll find a copy of the syllabus, we will follow this to the letter…" he continued to lay down the groundwork for how the semester would go.

"Now, you've all read the Mississippi Supreme Court Case Davis V. Vaughn, let's discuss the situation in which a part acting in loco parentis can trump natural parents. You, second row, glasses."

A gawky man stood up, "uh, well, when there aren't any real parents left?"

The professor shook his head and pursed his lips, "let's try this again, can anyone appropriately define the term 'in loco parentis' and give its history?"

I stood, a little too quick, the professor leaned against his desk, "okay, you," he gestured to me.

"Sir, Alexander Hamilton, in loco parentis is defined as 'acting in the place of a parent', while it, obviously, is a Latin term the use in legal context originates from late 19th century England at the Cheadle Hulme school for orphans, and has been adopted in law in America to define the role of non-natural parents acting as guardians for orphans, wards, or other children placed in their care in the event that the child's natural parents are not present, unknown, or deceased." _Like if they die in the fallout of a hurricane and a cousin the child barely knows whisks them away from their broken home to go live in New York City,_ I added mentally.

"Mr. Hamilton, that is the correct answer," he turned his attention to the gawky student, "you've learned something from your classmate, you should be grateful for that. Hopefully, next time you are called upon you can produce a thoughtful and intelligent response."

I smiled to myself, _suck it._ The rest of the class went off without a hitch, I took notes with reckless fervor. Finally, the professor dismissed us. I filed out of the lecture hall with the rest of the row, getting bottlenecked through the aisle. Finally, we spilled into the hallway, I felt a tap on my shoulder, "they'll just let anyone in here." The voice was so familiar, it chilled me, I knit my brows together and spun on my heel.

"Angelica Schuyler?"

She looked just like she had in high school, a touch more refined, in a salmon pantsuit, hair pulled back. She grinned at me and held up her left hand, showing off a ring.

"Angelica Schuyler-Church. I'm married now. Hi, Alexander." She hugged me. Conflicting emotion tore through me like a bullet, everything about her so familiar, so homey, but so painful in the same breath.

"Wow, congratulations… how-how are you?"

She let me go and linked her arm around my elbow, guiding me deftly down the crowded hallway.

"It is so good to see you. What have you been up to stranger?"

"I, well, I'm a journalist-"

"Of course you are." She smiled at me.

"I'm, I have a, I live with my boyfriend."

"Boyfriend, huh? That's good. Good for you."

"What about you, law school?"

"Yeah, me and John, my husband lived in London for a while, had a baby, Catherine, but I missed New York, so we came back. I want to help women fight for equality, you know go all Ruth Bader Ginsburg on 'em."

"John's my boyfriend's name."

"Small world." She laughed.

 _Jesus Christ, how many John's can there be? Are there no other names?_

We were in the courtyard, it had begun to snow while we were in class, I turned to face her and lit a cigarette, she shook her head at me, disappointed to see that that habit hadn't died.

"How is she, Angie? Is she happy?" I pulled hard on the smoke, hoping for a good answer.

"'Liza?"

"Yeah."

"She's… she's good. Works a lot. I think she's lonely, but you know Eliza, she'd never let anyone know it. I think she'd like to see you, Alex. It's been a long time, but maybe the closure would be good for you both. You know, I've missed you, too. You were my best friend. I hate how things happened, I hate that our dad moved us upstate. You didn't do anything. You were good to my sister, things just got messy. Things are often messy."

Another hard drag on the smoke, "does she live in the city?"

"Yeah, we all moved back here, Peggy's in college in California right now. You know Peggy, always on some crazy adventure."

"You said she works a lot. Eliza, I mean, what does she do?"

"She's a teacher at Graham Windham," Angelica beamed, "she runs programs for the foster kids."

My heart sank and smile shot across my face, head spinning at how dizzy the two emotions felt, "she have any kids?"

"Not of her own, she loves each of those foster kids like they were hers, though."

I nodded, "she find anyone?"

"Not really, no. I think she's happy enough, though. Look, Alex, I'm glad you're happy, she is, too, really. Let me give you my number."

I handed her my phone and put my number into hers, "it was good to see you, Angie."

"Good to see you, too, friend."

She hugged me again and we went our separate ways, I rode the train to my office in silence, mulling everything over.

"How was your first class?" James patted me on the back as I hung up my coat and scarf.

"It was… interesting." I conceded.

"Oh?"

"Ran into an old friend. Never thought I'd… Anyway, got that project in, so hit me with something new."

"You got it, check your email."

I nodded and got to work. The story I was writing taking up much of the brainspace that I'd devoted to my encounter with Angelica. I pushed it off until it was time to leave.

"Have a good night, Alexander, happy first day of grad school." James said as he locked up the office behind us.

"Thanks, James, see you tomorrow."

I got home and found that John made us dinner, ravioli in vodka sauce, he kissed my cheek and handed me a cocktail.

"How was your first day?" He asked while buttering a piece of bread.

"It was good, I think I impressed the professor…" I tore at the crust of a piece of bread, not sure whether or not I intended to actually eat it.

"What's the matter?"

"I, uh, well you know Eliza, the girl I-"

John tipped his head to the side, "-yeah?"

"Well, her sister is in my class, weirdest shit. But she stopped me after class. It was weird, but I don't know, good to see her, we were really close."

"That's kind of cool that she's in school with you."

"She wants me to see Eliza."

"Hey! That's a good idea, babe. Give you some closure."

"That's what she said, too."

"I think you should."

"We'll see."

I managed to eat some of the food that John made, it was delicious, always was when he cooked. After dinner, I went to my study to work on some homework. Lost in papers, I barely felt my phone buzz with a phone call. I didn't recognize the number, but I picked it up anyway.

"Hello?"

"...Hi, Alex." Her voice was soft, she sounded nervous, but somehow still so soothing, so reassuring.

"Eliza."

"Angelica gave me your number. How are you?"

"I'm… I'm okay." I lit a cigarette and rolled my chair over to the window.

"Angelica told me about today, I'm glad you're going to be a lawyer still. You always wanted to be, you were so good in debate."

"Yeah. How are you?"

"I'm okay, too."

"That's good. Angelica thought maybe you'd want to see me?"

"I do, if-if that's okay, if you want to, I don't want to-"

"-no, Eliza, I'd like to see you. When?"

"I'm free tomorrow, lunchtime if you want to meet?"

"Okay. I can, yeah, that's…"

"Central Park?"

"Our bench?"

"I'll see you there at noon."

"Okay, good to hear from you."

I hung up and let my cigarette burn down to my fingers. I went to the living room and found John watching a movie. I sat beside him, dropping my head on his shoulder. He snuggled against me and I breathed him in.

"You okay?" he asked, pausing the movie.

I nodded, feeling the pressure build until a tear rolled across the bridge of my nose and dropped onto the neckline of his t-shirt.

"What's wrong, babe?"

"She called me."

"Who?"

"Eliza." More tears fell.

"Yeah?"

I nodded again, not trusting my voice.

"Well, I think that's good, love." He kissed my head.

I picked my head up and pawed at my face, "she wants to see me tomorrow. You don't mind, right? I promise it's not, like a thing."

"What? No, of course not. Go. It will be good!" He thumbed away tears. I hated him seeing me like this. _Like such a pussy._

"Okay." I drew blood from my lip and sucked it away.

"Come here, babe." He wrapped his arms around me and I melted, not consenting to my body's response, letting it take over, letting myself feel safe and warm in his grasp. He kissed my hair and whispered his adoration in my ear.


	14. Chapter 14

**Hello faithful readers! Drove about 14 hours yesterday. As much as I give poor Alexander some of my traits, there's plenty of me in John, too. At one point, my love wakes up from napping in the passenger seat to find me, cruise control on, legs tucked criss cross, steering with my knees, hands occupied with tying my hair back, bopping to the music. He just went back to sleep. I've never totalled a Beemer, though.**

 **This was mostly written on my phone, so give me some grammatical grace. Welcome new readers, hello again, old friends. Thank you for reading and for reviewing. I love to hear your thoughts. Shadow, dear one, never apologize for lengthy reviews. I pour over every word and am thrilled to hear all of your thoughts and the nuances you find. Don't edit for self consciousness, the long reviews are a drug to me!**

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I was never more grateful for my ability to compartmentaliseatze when work was present than I was over the course of the morning, I slammed coffee, letting the caffeine compound my anxiousness. I had plenty of writing to do which kept my mind and my hands entertained as I scrawled in my notebook. I checked the time on my computer monitor.

"Hey, James, got a lunch, thing, gonna head if that's cool?"

"Sounds good, where are you going?"

 _Lie. Lie. Lie. This is weird, you can't say, 'to the park to meet the girl I knocked up.'_

"Um… to the deli?"

"Which one?"

"Uh… Andy's?"

"Ooh, good stuff. Bring me back a pastrami on rye?"

"Uh… Sure thing.

I wrapped myself up and grabbed a cup of coffee for the road. The park was a quick walk, I tried to keep my steps even and sure. I could walk this path in my sleep, straight to _our bench._ I'm not sure when it became ours, but either way it was. We spent hours on that stupid bench, talking about everything, assignments at school, her family, how I got to New York, my writing, practicing my cross examination debate arguments, where we'd live, what we'd name our baby - _Phillip if it was a boy, Angelica if it was a girl -_ it's where she told me her father was making her move upstate, it was the last place I ever saw her.

I sat and waited, the bench faced away from the path, overlooking the pond. My fingers drummed of their own volition against my bobbing knee. I let a cigarette and leaned forward, trying to remember how to breathe. It happened so fast, she was there, standing before me. I dropped my cigarette and stamped it under my foot, rising to greet her.

"Alex..." her voice caught, she kept her head high, I watched her breaths heave in her chest.

"Eliza…" I fidgeted my hands, unsure what to do with them.

She sat beside me. Silence clung between us, the shadows of all the conversations had on this bench surrounded us with the ferocity of poltergeists. The silence drug on, the only sound was my thumb and pinky drumming on the planks of the bench in the space between us. Time meant nothing, hours and seconds passed in the same tick of a clock. Her hand, smooth and warm and delicate covered mine, stilling the percussion. She broke the silence.

"I never expected how quiet the night time could be until we moved out of the city."

I blew out a breath, staring at the half finished cigarette at my feet. Her thumb started to move over the back of my hand. I stared out at the water, grey and still under the fog.

I opened my mouth to speak, but my throat was too dry to let out the words, I swallowed and tried again, "I'm sorry."

"I am, too."

"You didn't do anything wrong."

"The... cheating."

"We were kids, we were coping the best we knew how to."

"I loved you."

She slid closer to me and put her head where it still fit perfectly on my shoulder, "I loved you, too, Alex."

"I know there's no replacing what we lost-"

She quieted my voice with her own, "-I just needed time."

I nodded, tears stinging cold in the wind as they tracked my cheeks. She sniffled beside me, rubbing her eyes on my shoulder.

"I've thought about you all these years. What I would say, what I would do. Written you letters, so many letters."

"You always did. You built me palaces out of paragraphs. I saved each one."

I smiled a little and sniffled, "you kept them?"

"For a while," she admitted, "then it just hurt too much… I burned them all on our anniversary. Couldn't have you and your words, they flooded my senses. All the time, just reading them, missing you, missing everything, wanting our lives back, left with only the memories of when you were mine."

"Good." I worked to calm my breathing, she moved her hand from mine and threaded her arm around mine, holding onto my bicep.

"Angelica told me you seem happy? Are you happy, Alex?"

"I'm happier than I've been in years."

"Good. Do you love him?"

"I do. I love him so much. Haven't loved anyone else like that since you. Just you and him."

"Do you write him letters?"

I thought about it, guilt creeping in, "no. I haven't written any one else letters like that. Just you, Betsey."

She laughed faintly, "no one ever calls me that anymore."

"Sorry. Just slipped out."

"It's okay, Alex. I loved it when you'd call me Betsey."

"I'm sorry things didn't turn out different for you."

"I'm happy, Alex. I am. I've helped raise hundreds of children. I get to see them growing up."

"I bet they love you, how could they not?"

"A lot of them remind me of you. It's in their eyes… sometimes I look at a kid, scared, lot of them don't even speak English, parents beside them yesterday, gone now, I just look in their eyes, and I see you, Alexander. I see you every time… how long have you been with him?"

I sensed the change in subjects, "about eight or nine months. John."

"He's good to you?"

"So good. Saved me from myself. I don't know how I deserve someone so good. You're lucky to get someone so good once, I don't know what I did to get it to happen to me twice."

"You're right… most people only get it once."

"Eliza, no, I was not that for you. I was not good to you like you were and like John is for me. There is someone out there who will be your goodness."

She lifted her head from my shoulder and wiped her face, "what do you want now, is this it? Does-does John know you're here? I would hate for him to…"

"He knows… I'm not like that anymore." _Really? You have any room to pretend to be on a high horse?_

"I bet he's wonderful. What's he like?"

"Betsey, you don't want to…"

"Don't 'Betsey' me, Alexander. I want to know about him. Want to make sure you're happy."

"He's… he's beautiful, he's so compassionate, just like you, he's silly, he… he makes me like myself again, I spent so many years hating myself. He… he's a photographer, an artist, really, he makes the most beautiful art, he's got all these freckles, like so many, it's wild, I love every one of them. He's so tall, so tall, I feel like a midget next to him, and he's got all this hair, thick curls, so much hair. He works at the Post, I worked there for a long time, that's where we met. He loves to sing and dance, he's a good dancer. He's from South Carolina, but his family is Puerto Rican like me." I prattled on, gushing about him, smile beaming.

"You do love him."

She turned to look at me. I faced her and truly saw her for the first time in years, she was still just as beautiful as the last time I saw her. Black trench coat closed up to her neck, hair pulled back in a ponytail, her features still so showstopping, dark eyes trained on me. My heart stuttered.

"So where do we go from here?"

"I miss you, Alex. I have for all these years, I love that you've built a life for yourself, but I miss my best friend. You were more than my first love, you were my confidant. I selfishly held out hope for years that our paths would cross in some coffee shop, with you it would be a coffee shop, and things would pick up where they left off. There is no 'where they left off' anymore, but I do want to be a part of the narrative… if you'd let me. Just… if I could be your friend… that would be enough."

Her fingers found a strand of my hair, blowing in the wind and fiddled with it between her fingers like she used to do when she was nervous.

"Of course, mi corazón. I don't have too many friends." I smiled at her.

She pulled her hands into her lap and stared at them, "I know how weird and dumb it is… but I'd love to meet John."

"Not weird or dumb. I'm sure he'd love that. I talk about you a lot."

"Don't do that, you've got a good thing, Alex. Don't waste it on talking about the past."

"You're not just my past, Betsey, you were my world. Walk with me?"

"Of course."

We stood and started down the path, falling into lockstep. From muscle memory our hands found each other as we walked and everything was okay. If I'd given John the keys to the jail cells where I'd locked up my demons and he'd let them out, being with Eliza excised them completely.

We made it to the exit that I'd come in through, I hugged her tightly and took in the scent of dewy roses, that hadn't changed either. She leaned up and kissed my cheek, I thumbed her cheekbones.

"I love you, Alex. Some part of me always will."

"I love you, Eliza. Always will." I hugged her again.

"I'll see you soon."

"I can't wait."

"I can't wait to meet John!"

"He's going to be thrilled."

We turned and walked away from each other, forward through time, closing the gap of all the years between us. I was amazed at how I could hold such love for her, but love so cooled off. My heart welcomed her back in, just to the sliver left in the space didn't occupy, the historical place he couldn't fit into, too new, too angular, too tall and broad, no, this space was for her, soft, small, warm.

I worked the rest of the day, disappointing James with a lie that the deli was out of pastrami. I wrapped up my project, topped off my coffee and set off for home wrapped in my coat. John was already waiting when I got there.

"Hi, babe! How was it?" he wrapped his arms around me.

I melted into him, _needed_ to be held by him, to let his warm amber smell time travel me to the present, to _us._

"Alex, babe, you okay? You gonna tell me how it went or just keep sniffing me?"

I squeezed him again and pulled away, not realizing the dampness of my face. John's eyebrows knit together and he cupped my face.

"Come here, darlin', let's go curl up, you can tell me what happened." He peeled my coat off and guided us to the bedroom.

I lie straight as a board, precisely on my half of the bed. I didn't see it, but I _felt_ him roll his eyes as he drug my stiff body into his. Even as he surrounded me I refused to concede, staring at the ceiling, back straight, hands at my sides.

"Alex," he cooed, sweeping my hair back.

We stayed like that for a long time, the low winter sun dying through the window, I finally spoke.

"She doesn't hate me or find me repugnant. For all the years of our separation, I never thought that she would - it would be in direct opposition of her character - but I desired her loathing, pined for her castigation. I've spent my time in her absence hating myself with great enough measure for both of us. It was so good to see her, to be reminded of the previous time when my life was not shrouded in the mourning veil which you've removed. She made the request to be a part of my life. I've decided to accept her request. It was also among her requests to meet you. A bizarre and self flagellatory request as I am happily committed with a partner to fill my time whereas she finds only solitude." I licked my lips as I finished my diatribe, tasting the fleeting words.

He grinned and kissed my nose, "it's so enchanting when you do that; sit quietly, mouth forming silent words, face deep in thought and then you prepare yourself, I can see it happen. Then when open your mouth you talk the way you write, more formal than anyone born in the last 200 years. I fall more and more in love with you when you talk that way… even though I don't really know what all those words mean."

His eyes were so soft, pupils blown to see me in the lowlight, hair framing his face as he hung over me. I wrapped my arms around his, seeking the solace of the space in his chest that felt sculpted for me.

"Do you want to meet her?"

"Sure, I mean, is that weird for you? I don't want you to be uncomfortable, but, she's a part of you, Alexander. Everything happens for a reason. Maybe she's found her way back into your life for a reason."

"Maybe." I set my ear into the hollow of his chest and listened to the beating of his heart, the rhythm soothing, calm, but so loud, betraying the confidence of his ribs, telling of his fire and passion.

"Don't go falling asleep on me now. We still haven't had dinner."

"Not hungry." I nuzzled in closer and let sleep wash over me.


	15. Chapter 15

**Didn't I tell y'all it was about to get nuts? I've been hearing requests for this chapter since like chapter 4 of the first installment. Drop me a review and let me know what you think. Your support means the world to me!**

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"You think it's okay?" John asked, holding out a spoon to me.

I tasted the soup he'd made, letting him feed me off the suspended spoon. Creamy and thick. Potatoes and spinach swirling. It was delicious. I still don't even understand how someone can just _make_ soup, but John's soups were always delicious.

"It's perfection, querido."

"I don't know that I'd go that far."

He put the spoon in the sink and sighed, eyes darting between different objects. I watched him work the inside of his cheek.

"John, you're fine. She's not going to judge you." I still wasn't sure how to comfort someone, but I hoped the words were good enough.

"I just want her to like me."

"How could she not? You're you."

As if on cue, there was a knock at the door, I smoothed my hair, straightened my back and opened it. She stood in the hallway, clad in her trench coat. I beckoned her inside. John wiped his hands on a towel and joined us. Eliza hugged me, reflex took over and breathed in the bouquet of roses that followed her.

"Hi, Eliza. This is John. John, this is Eliza."

John stooped to hug her when she opened her arms to receive him, forgoing a handshake in true Eliza fashion.

"Hi." She smiled.

"Hi." He returned the grin.

"Alex was right… You _are_ beautiful." she looked up at him, her eyes raking over his features.

A blush crept across John's cheekbones.

"Well, but look at you. You're so pretty!"

"Hey, I have good taste." I smirked.

"I'm sure that's what it is. Dinner should be just about ready." John laughed over his shoulder as he went back to the kitchen.

"Can I take your coat?" I offered.

She pulled the coat off and I hung it beside mine and John's. I led her to the table, John had it set beautifully, bread in a bowl with a towel, three glasses of wine. I pulled Eliza's chair for her. John served her soup first, steam swirling off of it.

"This looks amazing." She told John.

"Thanks. There's no meat in there, I'm vegetarian, much to Alexander's chagrin, but he says this soup still fills him up. I hope you like it."

We tucked in to our meals. John's food cozy and inviting.

"This is some of the best soup I've ever had, and this bread. Where did you get it?"

John took another piece of the baguette from the bowl, "my best friend likes to bake, he makes all his own bread, so he gave me a loaf for tonight."

Her eyes widened, "your friend made this?"

"Yeah. He's French, and like a walking talking cliche. Sometime you'll have to have his macarons."

"They are pretty bomb." I added.

After dinner we retired to the living room. John and Eliza finished the bottle of wine and I switched to rum and coke. I sat between them on the couch, John leaned into me to be more engaged in his conversation with Eliza.

"So, does he sleep these days?" with Eliza's question the conversation turned to me.

"Sometimes. Less so since grad school." John reported.

"Some things never change." Eliza shook her head.

"I figured it was always like that. Did he used to be so crotchety?"

"No?"

"God, he was just plain mean when we met. He hated me."

I interjected, "no, John, the problem is that I loved you and you terrified me, we've been over this."

Eliza smiled at me sympathetically, "did you do anything special for your birthday?"

"Your birthday?" John looked pointedly at me.

"Yeah, nope, nothing big."

"Your birthday?" John repeated.

"Yeah, on the eleventh." Eliza informed him.

"We didn't do anything. I didn't even know." John sighed.

"Just didn't want to draw attention, there's been a lot going on." I said sheepishly.

"You should have told me. At last Laf and I could have taken you out."

I apologized for not letting him lavish me with undue attention and our conversation drug on. John and Eliza discussing the differences of what the better part of a decade had done to my character.

"I've got an early start tomorrow, thank you so much for having me." Eliza stated during a lull in the conversation.

"It was a delight. We can't wait until next time!" John hugged her goodbye.

Eliza said her goodbyes and gave me a tight hug and a kiss on the cheek.

"You look like you want to say something." I told John as he snuggled up next to me in bed after we'd done the dishes together and cleaned up from dinner.

"No… this is a weird time."

"John, there is no weird time. It's us. Just spit it out."

"I just don't want to make things-"

"Godammit, will you just get it off your chest? Your anxiousness is contagious."

He looked at our feet, little mounds under the duvet and pulled the covers up to his chin. He stared through his lashes at me.

"Don't be mad,"

"Okay."

"I've been thinking a lot lately… I'm… I'm getting to a place in my life where I have to start thinking about things… and I am thinking, a lot. Well, I'm thinking…-"

My anxiety bloomed, _he's leaving,_ my tongue too sharp, "maybe you could be less verbose?"

"I don't know what that means, but anyway, I'm thinking about a lot of things… I want to have a baby. I don't know if that's something you're… or that we'd, but my biological clock is screaming at me."

 _Well, fuck… that's not leaving. That's the opposite of leaving... again._

He started talking again to fill the silence as I considered what was happening, "I don't know what you think, but I feel like things between us are pretty serious. Are you… do you want that?"

I watched him chew his cheek, tears gathering in the corners of his eyes.

"Of course I do, John. I've wanted to be a father for years. You know that."

"But do you want it with me?"

I thought about it, this was a scenario I'd been contemplating for months, given wings by each of our visits to his home, each time Ellie crawled up and sat between us, "it is, John. I would be delighted to spend the rest of my life with you and part of that, as we both want it, is having babies… so… how?"

He wiped his eyes of the tears gathering there and curled tighter to me, "I don't know. This is really shitty timing isn't it, with you just getting back in school and everything?"

"Is what it is. I don't think there's ever a right time… So, adoption?"

"I think so, yeah. I don't want to work twice as hard just to have a baby when there are babies without homes right now."

"Good, me too."

"I'm so relieved. I've been wanting to talk to you about this forever. You don't think it's too soon, do you? I mean, it hasn't even been a year."

"I know what I want, and these things take lots of time. Do you think it's too soon?"

"No. I just, it's big. Laf thinks it's good."

"I think it's good, too." I kissed his forehead.

"Thank you, Alexander."

"Thank _you_ , John. Now, I'm going to get up and do some research."

"Right now?"

I nodded, "got class in the morning and work, gotta do this on my time."

"Okay, well, I love you. Thanks for taking this seriously."

"I love you, too. I take everything I want seriously."

I slid out of bed and detoured by the kitchen to pour a cold cup of coffee before going into my study. I woke my laptop and started researching everything I could about adoptions in New York.

Average time is about a year from application to placement.

3 months of home studies.

Easier if couples are married.

 _Fuck. I guess we're really pushing that envelope, just get me all the way out of my comfort zone. This is my chance to be normal and happy and good. Leave the bullshit behind me._

I opened a new tab and started researching jewellers. I shook my head at myself. A year ago I would have laughed had someone presented me with my current situation. But… John. He brought the colour back into my world. Gave me a harbour in the storm.

Not sure of when I could get to a jeweller I placed an online order, guessing his size. I messaged with Lafayette and got his approval for the ring I'd chosen. I leaned out the window and smoked the last four cigarettes in my pack.

I was happy to have Washington's class, actually finding it worth my time. Angelica sat beside me and we talked about John meeting Eliza. She seemed unsurprised that things had gone well. I told her about my plan to propose to John. She congratulated me and dismissed my guilt over not being with her sister. Our class drug on, the professor engaged in tormenting a particularly mouthy classmate of ours, Aaron Burr. He was a smart guy, but ambivalent, I hadn't quite cracked him… nice enough guy, though.

After class I went to work, finding an empty office with a note that they were at a press conference with the police department, I took that as a free pass to stop by the jeweller and work from home.

"Can I help you, sir?" the woman behind the counter asked me.

"I… yes, I placed an online order last night, I just wanted to see where things are at."

"Sure. Your name?"

I gave her my information and she checked the computer.

"I actually happen to have that in stock right now."

"Great. Thank you."

"Are you proposing?"

"I am."

"Good luck!"

She produced the ring and slipped it into a black velvet bag. I took it and left. The ring feeling heavy in my pocket. My hands shook as I walked home. I set the ring on my desk and started working on a case briefing.

I wasn't sure how I wanted to do this. I'd assumed we would be together for years first, but John was so passionate, so fiery that it didn't matter. I'd had forever torn away from me once. I wasn't going to let it happen again.

I heard the door open and tucked the ring away, deciding on the unconventional 'now or never' approach. He opened the door to my study and I snuffed my cigarette. I stood up and hugged him, he rooted in my neck and sighed contentedly.

"Rough day?" I asked.

"Eh, Adams is just a prick."

"Hear hear."

"You have a good day?"

"Yeah, actually."

I led him to sit on my desk and took my seat back in my office chair.

"You were up late last night, figure anything out?"

"A few things."

"Oh, you wanna share with the class?"

I fumbled in my pocket for the ring.

"I found out that preference is given to married couples…"

"That makes sense." I watched him try not to look defeated.

"It does, so I figured, let's do this the right way," I produced the ring and held it out to him, "maybe for once in my life _I_ could do something the right way? John Laurens, will you do me the honour of marrying me and starting a family with me, and growing old and spending eternity with me?"

His cheeks tracked with tears, "yes!"

With shaking hands, I slid the ring - a little big - on his finger. He embraced me and when we pulled away I wiped his face. He laughed and grabbed my face, kissing me hard. I leaned into his touch, feeling like things were falling in place… _like everything might be okay_.

"Bedroom." I demanded, my eyes hooding with lust.

He shivered visibly and obeyed. I stripped and lie down beside him, he snuggled into my chest and kissed my jaw, nipping delicately, the sensation going straight to my cock. I reached out and took a palmful of his ass in my hands, he threw his head back into a moan. His hands fumbled between us, finding my cock, he began to stroke me, the sensation dulling everything that wasn't him. I reached behind him on the table for the lube and threaded my hand between his legs to ready him. His hand stopped working me over and his short nails bit into my shoulders. I kissed his neck.

"Te amo, te amo, John Laurens."

His mouth hung on its hinge as I slowly added another finger, "te-te amo, Alexander." He held onto me like a life raft.

I changed our position, retrieving my hand, lubed my swollen, teased member and guiding it home. His hands raked the length of my chest, eyes more whites than colour as they rolled back into his head. I was slow in my actions, rubbing his cheekbones, counting freckles as I set my pace, remembering that it didn't have to be fast and hard anymore.

"Are you sure?" His voice was small.

"Sure about what?" I asked between thrusts.

"You really want to marry me… you really want a family with me? It's not too soon? You really want this?"

I brushed his hair away from his sweaty face and smiled, slowing my pace to a casual laze.

"Of course I really want this, John. I've been in love with you since I saw you. There's never a right time for this stuff, but I love you. I want you. Now. Forever. Love everything about you, want babies with you, want to come home to this sweet ass every night. You make me want to be the kind of man you deserve."

Tears tracked his face again, I wiped them away and started to pull out, "we should stop, querido,"

He gripped my hips with the strength I sometimes forgot that he had. I paused my movement and looked down at him, "don't stop, Alex. I love you. I want to feel you."

"Okay, okay, John. But I'll stop, you just have to ask."

John nodded and I picked up speed, lying over him, our chests pressed together, his cock swollen and throbbing between us at the friction. I drug my lips across his throat and chest, admiring the chill that the bristle of my goatee drew out of him.

"I love you!" he cried, I felt the ring of muscle tighten around my shaft.

"Love you so much, John," He came hotly between us, muscles spasming, I followed him into bliss, "you saved me." I whispered it into the hollow of his chest, but he heard me.

"I'll always save you, Alex. Us. You and me. I got you."

"You're going to be such a good dad." I pulled out and handed him a baby wipe, cleaning myself up at the same time.

"You are, too, Alex."

"We'll see about that."


	16. Chapter 16

**You guys remember how I was all, "hey, I'm going out of town, so I won't be writing as much."? That was funny, wasn't it? Another phone chapter, so be gracious with my spelling and grammar. Autocorrect sometimes sneaks one by me. Thank you for all the love last chapter, reviews keep me going, they stroke that writer ego and keep me writing thousands of words a day even with a drink in hand and toes in the sand. Love to y'all.**

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"What do you mean, 'no wedding'?" Lafayette set his jaw and narrowed his eyes looking between us.

John laughed and reached over to pour more wine into the glass in Lafayette's hand, "we just don't want the pomp and circumstance of it. At the end of the day, we just want to be together and start our family."

"Some people don't want the flashiness, babe." Hercules adjusted his beanie and shifted in the armchair that he has sitting in, Lafayette on his lap.

Lafayette leapt up, careful not to spill his wine and took a long drink, free hand balled up.

"Here it comes." John whispered.

Lafayette inhaled sharply, "je ne le veux pas! Je ne le veux pas? Pas de fête? Pas de gâteau? Pas de costume? C'est le pire! Mon meilleur ami va se marier comme s'il délivrait une licence de voiture? Qu'est-ce que c'est? Je vais tu dire ... c'est le pire! Le pire."

John and Hercules looked back at me for translation, Lafayette stole the wine bottle from John and emptied it into his glass.

"He's amazed that people could not want the big wedding, and that there won't be cake or fancy suits," I stifled a laugh, "he compared our marriage to licensing a car and then basically just said this is the worst day ever."

Lafayette flopped back into Herc's lap.

"You are such a drama queen." John leaned forward to ruffle his hair.

"Hercules could make you such beautiful suits…"

"We still want you to be there, just at the courthouse. Nothing fancy." John told him as consolation.

"You'll be our witnesses." I added.

"'At the courthouse. The courthouse! Where people go for their jail sentences? Fine." Laf scowled at John.

"It's their choice, babe. Someday when we finally get married, we can have the biggest most ridiculous wedding ever, but it's their choice what kind of wedding they have." Hercules played with the buttons on Lafayette's shirt.

"See?" John laughed.

"I hate you." Lafayette broke into a fit of giggles.

John collapsed into me, giggling as well. Hercules and I exchanged glances.

"You having fun living together?" I asked Hercules suspiciously.

"Could be worse… does John sing a lot?"

"All the time. So much singing… and dancing. Making dinner and singing. Doing chores and singing. Brushing his teeth and singing."

"Right? Like, why though!" Hercules shook his head.

"Laf, too?"

"All the damned time. From when he wakes up until he falls asleep."

The debauchery continued, Hercules and I kept talking, our kinship growing deeper on each occasion that we spent time together. John and Lafayette at some point ended up on the floor, Lafayette doing something bizarre to John's hair.

"I love that man too damned much." Hercules chuckled, gesturing at Lafayette asleep in a pile with John.

"I didn't even know I could love someone like I love John. You and Laf tying the knot anytime soon?"

"I don't know, man. It feels too soon. We got a good thing. I don't wanna screw it up."

"Damn, I know that's right, I was scared, but honestly it just feels like the next link in the chain for us. You guys want kids someday?" It felt unnatural to be so friendly with Hercules… _to have friends at all, really_.

"I dunno, man, maybe. I'm working a shit ton. Don't wanna be that dad that's never around."

"That was my dad."

He nodded, a silent understanding, "what are they gonna call you guys?"

"What?"

"Your kids, what are they gonna call you guys?"

"Dad, I guess?"

"But then how will you know which is which if they call you the same thing?"

"Damn, that's a good point."

"I better take my 'baby' home."

"You guys are welcome to crash here."

"I know, but you don't deserve to put up with him in the morning. Might as well sleep in our own bed."

"I feel you. Be safe getting home."

Hercules slid down the floor and rubbed Lafayette's back, "wake up, Laf, my love, we need to leave so these people can go to bed."

Lafayette turned his face into John's shoulder blade and tightened his grasp around John's ribs. I smiled at the sight of the two best friends, chuckling to myself about the pangs of jealousy I felt forwards Lafayette when I first met him. John was drooling on the back of his hand as he slept face down. Hercules was finally able to rouse his boyfriend who seemed to have a sense of gravity separate from the rest of us. I walked him and Hercules out and crouched on the floor.

"John, wake up, querido, let's go to bed." I rubbed his arm.

He bolted up, "where's Laf? Is he safe? I need to make sure he's safe."

"Shh, he's okay. Him and Herc went home. Let's go to bed."

"Okay," he let me help him stand and walked him to the bedroom.

"There you go. You feel okay?"

"I'm okay. Do you still love me?"

I peeled his clothes off, leaving him in his boxers, "of course I do, John. Love you so goddamn much."

"We can still get married, right?"

"Of course, amante." I pulled the blankets over him before crawling in bed beside him.

"And have a baby?"

"Yup… hey, what do you want the baby to call you?" He took his place in the crook of my arm, hand finding my hip, other hand wiping away drool.

"Ugh, 'lex, it's obvious, I'll be Daddy and you'll be Papi," he giggled, "mi papi chulo."

"Good night, querido, go to sleep."

He he onto me, "don't get up tonight. I want you with me."

"I won't, John. Goodnight."

"Goodnight, papi."

"I like 'papi'. Good job, John."

I itched for a cigarette and held still while John slept, his breath washing notes of the sweet wine he and Lafayette had been drinking over my face. He deserved more than just courthouse. Neither of us wanted a big to do, maybe just something at home even, but he deserved more than courthouse. My fingers held a cigarette that did not exist and I thought about it, let Hercules make suits, let Lafayette make a cake, invite people from work, the Schuylers… _maybe that's too weird._

I tried to be as still as possible as I reached for my phone, I texted Eliza

 **Coffee on our bench in the morning before my class?**

I didn't expect a response, but one came anyway

 **It's late, Alexander. Are you okay? Coffee what time?**

 **I'm fine. 6:30?**

 **That's early, you get to bring the coffee**

 **Deal**

I tucked my phone away and snuggled up to John.

5:30 came earlier than usual, John was asleep face down beside me, his ankle catching my own, hand holding onto my forearm. Even groggy as I was, I smiled at how he always slept touching me, making sure I was still there, holding on somehow, anchoring me to reality. I skipped away from him and dressed myself in the dark before making for the train. Late January still made the cold its home and I pulled my scarf up higher on the walk to the coffee shop, ordered our coffees and stepped aside to doctor hers, remembering how she took it like I remember my own name, long splash of half and half, three packs of sugar, couple shakes of cinnamon on top. I carried our coffees to the park and found our bench. She sat waiting for me.

"Morning, Betsey." I handed her coffee to her.

"It's so early." she remarked, has clattering in the cold.

"I know," I sat beside her and wrapped my arm around her to try and warm her, "this okay?"

"It's fine," she leaned her head against my shoulder and held her coffee close, "you sure you're alright, Alex?"

"I'm great. Just wanted to talk to you… I'm marrying John. But I want you to know. I'm sorry."

She pulled away and turned to properly look at me, I couldn't bear to meet her eyes and stared at the frosty lake… _like a coward._

"Why are you sorry?" she swept my hair behind my ear.

"Because it could have been us. I found you after all these years, but I have this amazing life now and I'm dragging you into the middle of it and I don't want to hurt you again or more."

"Alex, what happened with us was a million years ago. It's our history, it binds us, but it isn't your whole life, mine either, it's all past tense. I'm glad you're getting married. John's a good man. I couldn't pick out a better person for you, love."

I still looked at the water, "we want to start a family."

"Good. I can't wait to see you be a father."

"We're adopting… and I read that it's easier if you're married, so we're… I asked him to marry me."

"What agency are you going through?"

"I'm not sure yet."

"Love, let me help. You know that that's basically my job, right?" she paused and in my peripheral saw her look out at the water, too, "...I can still help make you a father."

"Betsey, I can't ask that of you." I looked at her, she wore a placid but determined closed lip smile.

"Then it's a good thing you aren't asking. When's the wedding?"

"I don't know… we're talking about just going to the courthouse but that doesn't feel good enough."

"Do something. Even small, but do something. I know you'll regret it if you don't."

"You know me too well." I drank my coffee.

"Don't you have class soon?"

"You're right. Thanks for the talk." I squeezed her hand.

"Anytime. Have a good day." she called after me as I hurried to class.

After the lecture, Aaron Burr, one of Washington's favourite objects of torment approached me.

"Hamilton, I was ill during the last class and was instructed to get notes from you. Would that be okay?"

"Sure, if you can read my handwriting." I flipped my notes to the section from last class and he took pictures of them with his phone.

"Thank you, I owe you a drink."

"No problem."

I spent the rest of the day at work, trying to get ahead of the workload I had. My mind kept working back to our wedding. It hit me like a stack of bricks. _Sofrito's._ John had decided it was our first date. One of my favourite haunts. We could get married at the courthouse and have a reception at Sofrito's. After work I hurried home to talk to John.

He was editing on his computer, mug of tea in his hand. I kissed him on the cheek as I sat down once I shed my winter layers.

"I have an idea." I told him.

"What's that?" he shut his computer and turned his sole attention to me.

"What if we go get married at the courthouse and then have a big reception at Sofrito's?"

"Like our first date."

I smiled at him, "just like that." _You score points, Hamilton. Good job not being a sack of shit._

"I love it. We can still have the flourishy fancy bits, just our version of it."

"Exactly. We can let Hercules make our suits. Maybe Lafayette can make a cake. We just invite whoever and feed cake to the bar patrons until we run out."

"This is why I love you." He kissed me.

"I love you, too. Hey, Eliza offered to help with the adoption stuff."

"She did?"

"Yeah, insisted, really."

"She's a sweet woman, I see why you were with her."

"She is a sweet woman. Good girl."

He grabbed me around the waist and pulled me to him, "you're mine, though."

I nuzzled against him, inhaling the strawberries, being surrounded by him. _Happy. Really, just happy._

"When do you want to get married?"

"I don't know. Anytime, really. Speed everything up. How long will it take Hercules to make our suits?"

"No idea. I'll call them, but, hey, no matter when, I want us to have a honeymoon. I want to take you somewhere, just us. Life's gonna get crazy when there's a baby in the mix."

"We don't-" he cut me off.

"-No, I want to. You took me home for Christmas, I want to take you somewhere. Think of it as a belated birthday slash wedding present."

"See, this is why I didn't tell you about my birthday."

"Hypocrite," he giggled, "Mr. Drop off your sister at the airport, psych!"

"That was pretty slick," I admitted.

"Pretty slick." He agreed.

"So where are we going?"

"Can't tell you. Surprise."

"I hate surprises." I glowered.

"Bummer." his grin was spritely.


	17. Chapter 17

**We've got a lot of plot happening right now, so enjoy some good ole hurt/comfort as we keep on truckin. I'm still out of town for a couple of days. As always, thank you for all the love and reviews. You guys are my muse.**

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Hercules told us that he could rush the suits in about a month's time. I stood on a stool in his and Lafayette's living room while he pinned fabric around me.

"Just a couple more weeks." He said around the pins in his mouth.

"Yup, end of February." I agreed, trying to stay standing still and straight backed to avoid the prod of a pin.

"You excited?"

"Incredibly!" Lafayette announced behind me.

"No, John and Alex. We know you're excited,"

I let out a chuckle, cautious not to move, "yeah, we are excited."

"You're much better at this than John."

"Hey!" John whined from the sofa where he was chatting with Lafayette.

"You can't stay still," Lafayette shrugged, "has he ever made you run or swim with him?"

"No?" I looked over my shoulder at them.

"You will die." Lafayette groaned.

"I'm not that fast."

"In high school, he broke the state record for the 5,000 meters run. What was your time, Jack?"

John grumbled, "14:52."

I did the math in my head, "holy shit, John. That's like incomprehensible."

He stared at the floor, "didn't you ever wonder why my knee pops when I crouch down, or why I keep my legs straight when we sit for a long time?"

"Not really… figured the same reason my wrist does when I write too much."

"Yeah, basically. Blew out my knee the first meet of senior year. They had to do surgery. Lost my scholarship, that's why I didn't become a doctor… Was supposed to be on full ride to a university in Geneva, my dad was already disappointed that I wasn't going to study law like him, so I went for it and told him I was coming to New York to study art right there in my hospital bed."

He rubbed his knee through his jeans and stared at it. Lafayette stroked the other one.

"I followed him because I could not bear the thought of my best friend limping through this big city." Laf said proudly.

"Limping?" my eyebrows crawled toward each other.

"I walked with a cane for a couple months, barely off of it in time for graduation. I couldn't walk across stage like that. But I limped for a while. Physical therapy does some amazing stuff. You wouldn't know it today."

Hercules patted my leg, "alright, buddy, you're free."

I stepped off the stool and sat by John, wrapping an arm around him. He continued staring at the offending joint. I put my hand over his on his knee.

"That when you went all bad boy?"

"Nah, I started drinking and partying when my mom died. It's when I started smoking pot, though. Started cause it helped the pain and cause I finally didn't have to worry about drug tests, I wasn't in any sports for once. But I didn't want to be one of those people that got hooked on oxy, did some of that, but I found I could just sell it and buy weed for cheaper since the doctors gave me a prescription for oxy… I guess the partying got a little worse."

Lafayette found his thumbnails very interesting and Hercules got back to pinning John's suit on a dress form. I rubbed the back of John's neck.

"You never… Christ, querido."

"It was really bad," Lafayette mumbled, "I had to make sure he was safe."

"But then you met me!" Hercules brought some levity to the conversation.

"Indeed, I did. Following John to this city was the most amazing decision I could have made."

John smiled at this, finally done tearing through his cheek with his teeth.

"Alright, well, let me take my amazing decision home, thanks for everything, guys." I got off the couch and retrieved my coat. John followed suit.

I wrapped an arm around John's waist as we walked to the train.

"I didn't know all that stuff, and you still run and I just assumed…"

"I just don't like to talk about it. Rather focus on all the good stuff."

 _I know all about not wanting to talk._

"I'm sorry I'm such an asshole." I looked down at his knee.

"Babe, don't be all 'you' about this. It's okay. My shitty knee is nowhere near as bad as everything as you've been through."

"Not a contest." I bit my lip. _You self centered prick, other people have it rough, too, never think about that though, do you?_

"I'm okay, Alex. Really. Everything happens for a reason. Everything led up to me finding you."

I nodded, not wanting that kind of attention, not wanting to be the one taken care of, "Eliza gave me the adoption application, said we can get the ball rolling before we're married. Maybe get our baby by fall."

John's eyes lit up, "really?"

I nodded and tucked hair behind his ear, caressing his smooth cheek.

"I started my half of the paperwork already… I need to quit smoking."

He quirked an eyebrow, "...you… quit smoking?"

"I'm sure the social worker would prefer it, and, plus, I know it's bad for me, got a reason to stick around for a long time now… hopefully a couple reasons."

"Damn, you _are_ taking this serious. Grad school, working full time, and going to have a baby? Helluva time to quit."

"I know, but it's right. We should also figure out what to do about my study."

"What do you mean?"

"Gotta get it ready for the baby."

"Oh… but, where will you work?"

"At the dining table, I guess."

"We don't need a dining table. Let's get rid of that and set up the dining room for you. You need work space. Plus, they'll like how often you work from home. Did I tell you Laf has already agreed to watch the baby?"

"What, really?"

"Yeah, you know he barely works. The embassy keeps him on retainer for foreign affairs, gives him that fat stipend, guy only works like 4 months a year."

"Such a cushy job." I agreed.

We made it home and I holed up in my study, opened my pack of cigarettes and stared at the remaining eight.

"Alright, this is it." I held the cigarette reverently and put it between my lips, lit it slowly and savored the smoke. I closed my eyes against the sensation.

Cigarettes when I'm happy.

Cigarettes when I'm sad.

Cigarettes when I'm angry.

Cigarettes when I'm nervous.

Cigarettes after sex.

I smoked it to the filter and stared at the pack. My fingers twitched and I started on homework. I went to bed without a last cigarette.

In the morning, I allowed myself one. _Six more,_ savoring it on the walk to the train.

I flicked the butt to the ground and made it through class, no cigarette between class and work. I made it back to our apartment, still only one cigarette smoked for the day.

I poured a bowl of cereal and shut the door to my office a little too hard, eating my cereal like I was angry with it. I tried to work, knees bouncing. _Fuck._ I caved and lit a smoke, leaning back in my chair to enjoy it. It balmed my irritation.

 _Five more._

John got home and suggested we go out and start looking at baby furniture. That made it feel real. I smoked another cigarette on the walk to the train. More nervous about looking at cribs than I thought I'd be.

 _Four more._

We ordered furniture and had it set to be delivered just after the wedding, give us time to move my study, and because John decided we needed to steam the carpets, though he worked to squelch my moodiness by assuring me he wasn't mad about me smoking inside. Talking about smoking made me want to.

I smoked one more cigarette before bed.

 _Three more._

By the end of the next day I was out. The pack empty.

I was trying to work, sitting in my study, books boxed up around me, pounding headache, drumming my fingers on the desk. I heard John get in and rolled my eyes, shutting my eyes against my headache, hand not tapping the desk rose to pinch the bridge of my nose. He opened the door to my study.

"Hey, babe. You have a good day?" He kissed my head and squeezed me around the shoulders.

"Fine." My tone was clipped. _You're such an asshole, Hamilton, he hasn't done anything wrong._

"You okay, sweetheart?"

"Fuck. Yes, I'm fine. Christ." _It's still not his fault._

"O-okay. Sorry… something happen at work? Or in class?"

"For fuck's sakes, how many times, in how many ways can I tell you I'm fine, John? Had a fine day. Everything is fine. Fine and fucking dandy."

"Alright… well, I'm gonna go make you dinner. See if that puts you in a better mood. Anything in particular sound good?"

"Jesus, whatever. I'm just really fucking hungry."

"Okay, give me like an hour."

He shut the door quietly behind him and I hung my head, cradling it with my hands. _Dumb fuck. He just loves you, you stupid prick. He loves you and you're an asshole. Don't be a garbage human._

I kicked my desk, feeling stupid when I'd done it. I managed to get through a little bit of work before he poked his head in, looking timid. _You dumb fuck, Hamilton._

"Dinner's ready if you want it."

"Thank you, querido," I sighed and bit my lip, drawing blood for the third time today, "come here." I held out my arms.

John rushed to me, letting me encircle him, he nuzzled down into my shoulder.

"I didn't mean to make you mad."

"No, you didn't… it's just, quitting is a lot harder than I thought it would be. I'm sorry, I love you."

"I'm proud of you for quitting. I know it's really hard."

"It is… really hard, but you deserve a good man, not some irritable asshole… but I guess you knew what you were getting into, I've always been an irritable asshole."

"You are a good man, Alex. This is hard."

I nodded against him, "really hard. I've spent over a fourth of my life smoking."

He stroked his hands down my back, settling on my ass, "that's a long time. I'm so proud of you."

I laced my fingers behind his neck and leaned into his chest, "don't be proud yet. Still plenty of time to fuck this up."

"But you're trying."

"I'm trying."

"Now, come on, let's go eat." He kissed my forehead.

He made outstanding food for dinner, just spaghetti, so simple, but so incredible, it tasted better than any food I'd ever had in my life.

I moaned involuntarily around the fork, "this is the best food you've ever made, John."

"It's just jarred crap and noodles with cheese." He shrugged.

"But it's delicious. It's so good."

"You're getting your tastebuds back." He giggled.

I stared at him, wiping sauce off my chin, where it had settled into my goatee.

He cocked his head, "what? I research things sometimes! You don't have exclusive researching privileges. You start getting your taste and smell back… and you're going to be bitchy and difficult to be around for a week. But then you'll have healthy lungs, and live forever."

I grinned at him in spite of myself, "look at you… caring about me."

"I care a lot about you, dummy."

"I know. I just still don't know why."

"Hmm… well, I got a few minutes to go over it… again. Your booty is a definite plus, you have pretty eyes, you're smart, funny when you want to be, you're good in the sack. You like my family. You like my friends. You want to start a family with me…" I looked at the ground, "...you get embarrassed when I'm sweet to you."

I twirled my noodles, "I'm not embarrassed."

"Okay, you're not embarrassed." He leaned over and kissed my cheek.

"I just… I love you."

"I love you too, even when you're crabby with me."


	18. Chapter 18

**I'm home! Finally reunited with my computer, and much more downtime, though half of this was still written on my phone and poorly edited since, y'know, I drove almost fourteen hours today... but I still wanted to get this into your hot little hands tonight. It's finally here! Their big day. I hope you love celebrating with them... after a little more comfort just because it's such a soothing genre and y'all seem to dig it. I've read your suggestions and a lot of you are just getting ahead of what's out, many of your suggestions are in the works, keep them coming! I love seeing what you want to see happen and spiderwebbing it all together. Thank you so much for your continued support and reviews, that's seriously (along with the four cups of gas station coffee, let's be real) what gets these chapters out so soon. Love you peeps, for real for real.**

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"You're sick." John decided.

"Yeah, but I'm fine." I held my head in one hand and typed with the other, wishing the dining room would stop spinning long enough for me to transpose my handwriting into my typed document.

"What can I get you?"

"I'm fine." I insisted, a little whinier than I'd hoped, still typing with one hand, my eyes shut, working line by line from memory.

John out his hand against my forehead, "you're burning up, let me at least get you some Tylenol."

"Okay," I relented, dropping from my hand to my elbow.

He produced the tablets and saw me flopped down pathetically and handed me a glass of water.

"When is this due?"

"Midterms, about a month."

"And where are you at with work?"

"Ahead of schedule."

"Then come here, let's go cuddle up in bed."

"No, I have to finish this..." I forgot the word, "this… thing… paper… case… briefing."

"Nope, your almost husband vetoes it. We're going to bed."

"Okay." I shut my eyes, bent over my desk using my notepad and forearm as a pillow.

"No, come on, bed bed, not desk bed." He helped me stand and escorted me to our bedroom.

"Thank you." I mumbled as he tucked me in.

I shivered against his side and watched him scroll through Instagram, the motion of the scrolling phone making me dizzy. I closed my eyes and the room continued to spin. I slept.

He was still there when I woke up, gasping, fingers gripped white on his forearm. He was cooing at me, running a wet rag across my brow. _Taking care of me._ I couldn't tell the difference between sweat, cool water from the cloth, and my tears.

"Bad dream." He soothed.

"Sorry." I mumbled, weak fingers twitching for a cigarette, still craving one after two weeks of going without.

"You're okay. Just worried about you. You kept talking about your mom."

"I think about her a lot when I'm sick… really sick… we got really sick."

"I know." He squeezed me tighter into his side where I lie in the crook of the elbow he was propped up on as he looked down at me in a shivering heap.

"Sorry." I said again.

"Don't be."

I closed my eyes and tried to focus on breathing deeply and evenly just like my shrink taught me. We lie silently like that, my chattering teeth the only noise between us. John made little noises in the back of his throat and kissed my forehead. Sleep wouldn't come again, I was too exhausted to fall asleep. I rolled to my side, facing John, still trying to get used to someone taking care of me when I was sick.

"How did you even live?" he wondered quietly, I think mostly to himself.

"Just couldn't seem to die." I put a hand on his hip to try and ground the spinning room. It helped some.

"Were you sicker than you were in November?"

"Easy. Way s-sicker."

"I almost put you in the hospital then."

"Well, we didn't have one of those for a while. N-no power, two f-feet of standing water." I reminded him. He tucked the blankets around me tighter to try and calm my chills.

"I didn't even think people could still get yellow fever. I mean, that's like crazy ass, kill you in the 1700's shit."

"I know."

"It's no wonder you have such a messed up immune system."

"Doctors told me I'll probably get really sick at least once a year… but it's way more than that."

"Maybe 'cause you don't take care of yourself?"

"I do."

"Alex," he giggled and shook his head, "you've said, on multiple occasions, 'I don't remember the last time I drank water.' When I met you you subsisted on a diet of coffee, frozen pizza, cigarettes, rum, and sugar crap."

"I'm way better about that… and I quit smoking."

"Still so proud of you." He kissed my hair and moved the rag to press it across my cheeks.

"Sorry I've been such a sh-shit bag about it."

"It's hard. I expected it."

"You don't deserve a shit bag, though."

"You're not." His voice was hard, insisting and immovable.

"I am. You sure you want to start a-a family with a sickly asshole."

He kissed my forehead again, "as long as it's you." I felt his lips grin against my forehead and he kissed my brow again.

"I hope I'm a good dad." I mumbled, feeling the bed tremble with my convulsions.

"You will be, papi."

I smiled faintly at the nickname he started using every time we talked about the baby.

"I hope so…"

"You will be. We both get to go high where our fathers went low."

"Yeah."

"What do you think the baby will look like?"

"I dunno… perfect."

"Well, yeah. Do you think we'll get a boy or a girl."

"I dunno."

"What do you want to name it?"

"I figured we keep its name… unless it's s-something horrifying like Abcde."

"That doesn't sound like that bad of a name."

"It's the first f-five letters of the alphabet, John. There are hundreds of p-people with that name."

"No."

"Yup."

"Okay, well, no Abcde… or Brad. All Brads are assholes."

"Fair." I held him tighter. The room losing some of its spin.

"I don't think you should go to class in the morning."

"I have to. Angelica won't be there, so one of us has to take notes."

"There are other people you can get notes from."

"None of them are our intel-le-lectual equals. Angelica and I are by far the most intellectual in the class."

"Okay, high horse. I'm sure for one day you could make do with subpar notes. What about that Aaron guy?"

I groaned, "Burr? Ugh, he's like the bad example of orphan money. He's so pompous."

"Hasn't he come to you for notes before?"

"Yes."

"Give it a shot."

Without realizing it, I fell back asleep in John's arms.

The next two weeks flew by, I was on the mend a few days after getting sick, and took John's advice to skip class and had gotten decent notes from Burr. He was smarter than he seemed, his quietness threw me, though. _If you have a good mind why waste it on a life without convictions?_ Regardless of his middle of the road stance, we started to become something akin to friends and he started sitting with Angelica and I for class. He and his wife were expecting and he shared in the excitement when I divulged our plan to adopt.

Our wedding loomed, taking forever for the month to pass, then suddenly arriving. We took the day off from work and met Lafayette and Hercules at the courthouse. John looked gorgeous in the suit Hercules made. Deep sapphire to complement my emerald, it was far dressier than anything I owned, I felt suffocated, but even I had to admire how good I looked. John was nervous as we walked into the courthouse. I found his hand and stroked the back of it.

 _Holy shit, you've done it. You really have. Found someone who loves you. Wants you. Likes you. Almost a whole year and you haven't fucked it up yet._

Lafayette produced two small plastic boxes and opened them, pinning a pink rose boutonniere to John's lapel, and a matching one to mine.

"See, this is not very fancy, but you must have some flowers."

I smiled a 'thank you' at him.

"Let's do this." John grinned at me.

I nodded and swallowed hard. We walked into the ornate building and found our way through the maze back to the room we'd applied for the license in yesterday. We paid more money to the clerk and got our license.

"Just gotta do it, now." Hercules clapped me on the shoulder.

I nodded and tightened my grip on John's hand as we found a seat to wait for the chapel which had three couples ahead of us.

I leaned over and whispered in his ear, "you look so good."

He smiled and played with the ends of my ponytail, "you've never looked better."

From the benches across from us Lafayette leaned into Hercules and sighed dreamily. Hercules took his hand and pressed a kiss on the back of his knuckles.

After about an hour of nervous chatter, it was our turn. Lafayette called Martha on Skype and we could see the Laurens family congregated on the sofa. We followed the aide into the small chapel where the magistrate stood, nicely dressed in a tweed suit.

"Stand just there. You may hold hands if you wish." He instructed.

John clutched my hands in his and grinned hugely at me, his nose crinkling. I was running my thumbs over his hands a little bit too fast, riding the waves of my nerves.

"Alexander and John have you both chosen to be here of your own volition and free from coercion?"

"I have." John beamed.

"I have." I agreed.

"Alexander repeat after me, 'I, Alexander, take you John.'"

I followed suit, "I, Alexander, take you John,"

"'To be my lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold from this day forward,'"

I repeated them.

"'For better or worse, richer, or poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish as long as we both shall live."

As I repeated the vows, John's eyes rimmed in red and my voice caught. I heard Lafayette sniffle behind me. John's voice was shaky while he repeated his vows, a tear breached my lashes and rolled across my cheek.

"You may kiss." the magistrate offered.

John cupped my face in his hands and kissed me sweetly.

"By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you married. Congratulations!"

There were cheers and whoops from Lafayette and Hercules as well as emanating through the phone where John's siblings shouted their congratulations.

We spilled out into the street and hugs and handshakes were exchanged. Lafayette and John hugged energetically, Lafayette springing from foot to foot. Hercules fist bumped me.

"Alright, Sofrito's at eight?" Hercules confirmed.

"Yup." I responded, John linking his arms around my waist.

"Wear your suits!" Lafayette called.

John and I walked down to the subway, only a few stops away from home. I stared down at the gold band adorning my finger, plain and simple, perfect.

"I love you, husband." John giggled.

"I love _you,_ husband." I held him closer as we walked.

The weather was unseasonably warm and the sun shone down warmly, illuminating John. _I love him so much._

We got home and I shed my tie. Careful to at least hang my suit jacket.

"You know… we've got a few hours." I quirked an eyebrow.

"We do, don't we?" he sauntered to me.

"Sure do." I cocked my head towards the bedroom.

John lie down in bed, our clothes carefully draped over the back of the chair. I straddled his waist.

"So beautiful." I smiled, eyes taking in the expanse of chest that was visible.

He blushed and ran a hand down my chest.

"I love you, John Laurens."

"I love you, Alexander Hamilton." He giggled at our formality.

"You're ridiculous." I rolled off of him and we lie pressed against each other side by side.

"I was just thinking about when we met and you were all," he put on a gruff voice, "'you will call me Hamilton and I will call you Laurens.'"

"One, I don't sound anything like that, and, two, it was the only thing I could try and do to separate myself from how desperately I wanted you, try to keep things professional."

"Doesn't matter, you're stuck with me now."

I kissed him, "para siempre."

"Para siempre." He pulled me closer to him, handing wandering across my bare skin.

I arched against him when his hand found the small of my back, wanting to be close to him, needing him.

"You feel so good." I traced his arm.

"You ain't seen nothin' yet." His drawl blanketed the lust in his voice.

"Well, then you'd better show me, Laurens."

"Oh, I'll show you." He gripped me by the hips and tugged me down the bed, I bit my lip, impossibly aroused by his gruffness.

"So fucking hot. I have the hottest fucking husband."

"Impossible, _I_ have the hottest husband."

I rolled my eyes and propped myself up on my elbows to kiss him, his eyes flashed and he slipped down between my hips, his mouth making contact. I worked diligently to stay still as he bobbed. One hand reached up and shoved me down against the pillows, his fingers started to work me open, rougher than he usually was. I groped the sheets, calf muscles twitching at the dual sensations.

"John. John. Johnjohnjohn. Te necesito. Please. Now. Merde. Merde. Merde. Jesus fucking Christ." My toes curled in desperation.

He pulled his lips away with a wet pop and removed his fingers, lubing his ignored cock, thick and hard, I watched as he handled it.

"You like it fast?" He whispered in my ear.

"You know it. Fuck me."

"That what my husband wants?" He sounded so confident, I'd never found him sexier than in this moment.

"Yes, goddammit."

He slid home, devastatingly slow. My hips bucked to meet him. He held them stationary and moved painstakingly slowly.

"Chill, babe, I got you. You'll get what you want." He was my John, compassionate and tender, nuzzling down into my neck.

"No, no, need it now."

"So impatient." He sped up, making eye contact with me. I held his gaze until my eyes forced themselves shut. I bent my knees, giving him room to go deeper.

He put his hands on my knees, holding them open and sped up even more, I cried out and bit the back of my hand to shut myself up.

His voice was back to my sweet John, rubbing my knee gently, "you're doing okay right?"

"Yes, just… keep fucking me."

He switched once more, "oh, I plan on it. Gonna make you come in a mess between us. Touch yourself."

His roughness was such a turn on, I gripped at my swollen cock and found the pace he was working at, my mouth lolling open. He took the opportunity to drape himself over me, his long neck arching down to seal our mouths. My kiss was hungry, tongue probing his mouth, tasting his tongue, he groaned into my mouth and I felt him working toward the precipice. I moved my hips with him and felt his release. I came quickly after, the spasm of his cock enough to do me in.

He kissed my chest and pulled out, taking careful time to clean me up meticulously. He curled up with me.

"Where did you learn to fuck like that, you little scamp?" I held him in my arms, our bodies twining like ivy to a brick building.

"Well, you get screwed like that enough and you learn a thing or two, plus, I know how sexy you think it is. Wanted to treat you."

"I'll get you back tonight. Maybe we'll have a nice bath, light some candles, put on some music, maybe give you a massage."

"You spoil me, Alex."

"It's our wedding night. I'd be a giant shit if I didn't spoil my querido at least a little bit."

"I love being yours."

"Even better still?"

"What?" He turned to look at me.

"We still have enough time before the party to take a nap."

"Ooh, talk dirty to me." He giggled.

I set an alarm and we fell asleep, content and satisfied.


	19. Chapter 19

**Oh, look, it's more John and Alex being stupid cute together because I live for it... and just a touch of Alexiety Hamilton, since I love him, too.  
** **Also, the smut scene was a last minute addition, hope it was worth the hour delay I just spent to add it in before shipping this baby out to you. I know y'all dig the smut, dirty rascals. ;) What's wrong with a little fan service, especially when these guys practically write it themselves (I mean, Alexander totally would). Speaking of fan service, I'm almost disgusted by myself for going full ITH, but since so many of you are reference lovers here it is, in unabashed glory, right out front and center because it just fit _too_ well not to. Let me know what you think of the newest character addition... Some of y'all called it. Thank you so much for reading and reviewing, I bow before you!**

* * *

"Alex, we have to go to our party. Lafayette will castrate us if we're late."

I opened one eye and saw John fixing his tie, now back in his suit. I stretched and stood up, we'd slept the afternoon away, it was more sleep than I'd gotten in weeks. Grudgingly, I got up and dressed myself, back in my fancy regalia, feeling stupid being so dressed up in a place like Sofrito's, remembering the first time John and I were there together, him in a sportcoat. We made our way to the bar.

"Come in, come in!" Lafayette held the door for us.

I looked around and spotted friends and colleagues all over, Lafayette had put up some decorations, not the least of which was the impressive cake table, a tower of macarons stood as the foundation for a two tier cake. I gaped at the splendor.

"Do you like it?" Lafayette shouted over the music.

"It's perfect!" I cheered.

"You're brilliant!" John smacked a kiss on his cheek.

"Only the best for mes amies!"

I looked around and saw Angelica and Eliza, I hurried to them, hugging each woman, the rose scent that hovered around Eliza clung to me from my boutonniere, right over my heart, _always there_.

I found Aaron Burr with a rather pregnant woman, not the loveliest of ladies, but she had keen eyes that betrayed a wealth of knowledge. Burr kept a hand on the small of her back for the duration of the evening, I made my way to talk to him.

"Well, if it isn't Aaron Burr!" I shook his hand.

"Sir!" He greeted me.

"I didn't think that you would make it."

"We were delighted to! This is my wife, Theodosia."

I shook her hand, "Alexander Hamilton. Pleasure." I waved John over.

"'Sup, babe?" He draped an arm around my waist.

"John, this is Aaron Burr, from school, and his wife, Theodosia. This is my, well, my husband, John."

They all greeted one another.

I caught John squinting at the door, "what's the matter, querido?"

"Do you know that guy?" John asked.

I tracked his line of sight and saw James Madison along with a very 'Lafayette' looking man, straight backed and lanky, a regalness followed the man dressed in mauve.

"That's my boss and… Is that…?"

Lafayette appeared behind us, _weird._

"Are you having fun? Can I get you another round of drinks?" He slung his arms around us, a light slur hanging in his voice.

"Uh, yeah, sure. Hey, Laf, do you know that guy?" John pointed him out.

Lafayette blinked a few times in disbelief and patted our shoulders moving through the bar to James and his companion.

"Excuse us." I gestured at Burr and his wife.

"Congrats again, Alexander!" He waved me away.

I followed John through the sea of people to where Lafayette chatted with his doppleganger. I waved to James and shook his hand once we were close enough.

"Hi, James, thanks so much for being here."

"Of course! Happy to celebrate with you."

"This is John," I introduced them, "who's this?"

"This is my boyfriend, Thomas. He's finally done with his degree, he was supposed to be done last semester, but he had one last exam, he's finally going to live on the same continent as me."

We looked to Lafayette for an explanation, "this is... my cousin." He blinked in disbelief again.

"Hello." Thomas offered a hand to me, I shook it. His accent was incredibly thick, I didn't realize how much Lafayette's time in America thinned his out.

"I haven't seen Thomas since I came to America, he helped me draft the declaration of intent to become a citizen here, and then I had to go... it's been years."

They quickly turned to French and began catching up over the noise of the bar. We enjoyed the rest of the reception, dishing out macarons and cake to the patrons. Lafayette and Hercules found us toward the end of the night and presented us with an envelope.

John opened it and found two keycards.

"We booked you a hotel for the night." Hercules shouted over the music.

"Your stuff is already there." Lafayette added, now properly drunk.

"You sneaky bastard!" John exclaimed.

"Enjoy your time!" Hercules smiled at us.

We said our goodbyes, I made sure to see Eliza again. John and I hailed a cab to the downtown Manhattan hotel and found our room, it had a giant bed adorned in a thick duvet, John squealed in the bathroom and I joined him to find the biggest bathtub I'd ever seen. There was a knock at the door, I opened it to a bellhop holding a bucket with chilled champagne in it and took it from him.

"This is fancy as fuck. It's all sweaty and everything." I examined the cold bottle. John was already running a bath and stripping out of his suit. I sat on the closed toilet and started attempting to open the bottle.

"Want me to get it?" He offered.

"No, I got it… just, how do you get this gold shit off?" I gnashed at the foil with my teeth, no bottle of rum was ever this hard to get into. Why make a product so difficult to open?

I chuckled to myself, _keeps the poor people out._

John got into the half full tub, the water still running.

"Here, babe, let me." He reached a sudsy hand over the edge of the tub.

"I can do it, but the twisty thing is broken."

"Twisty thing? Very technical language from you there, big words god. It's just, you just pull it off and then you can pop the cork. Then get in here with me."

I pulled the wire away and held the bottle out, shutting my eyes as I popped it. The cork flew and bounced against the wall. John and I laughed at the absurdity and I set the open bottle on the edge of the tub. I handed John a washcloth and leaned against the toilet tank.

"Straight from the bottle, I like your style." He smirked and turned the water off and took a gulp from the bottle, feeling even colder in the humid bathroom.

"Why bother with cups when we're just going to finish it?"

"Get in here with me, this bathtub is huge, it feels so good."

"You know, earlier when I made the suggestion, I assumed I'd be, like, sitting outside by you."

"I know, I wish our tub was bigger, worst part of the whole apartment. But, this, this I could get used to."

I thought about it, his contended beautiful face, speckled with freckles, muscled body drawing me in like a siren song and began to shed my clothing. I tied my hair into a bun on the top of my head.

The warmth was soothing, I had to admit it. I drank from the bottle deeply, glad I was already a little drunk, it made the water bother me less.

"Feels nice, doesn't it?" John stretched his legs around me and took the bottle from my hands, the water splashing the tiniest bit.

"Yeah… I guess so… not really a bath person."

"Mmm, baths are the best." He closed his eyes and sighed.

I stared at my hair floating in the water and bit my lip hard to stay grounded and present.

"Come here, querido. Let me wash your hair." I distracted myself.

"Really? I love it when you do."

"I know, that's why I want to." He spun around and leaned against my chest.

I laboriously wet his hair and then massaged the travel sized hotel shampoo into his hair, it smelled weird, _not like John._ but he let out a moan as I rubbed his scalp. I followed it up with the conditioner and let it sit like he liked.

He lie against my chest after rinsing out the conditioner. I wrapped my arms around him, finding the driest place to be where his neck met his shoulder, I rested my head there, disoriented by the unfamiliar orangey-ginger smell that hung in the space where his strawberries belonged. We finished the champagne, majority of it passing my lips. He was in heaven, making little mewling noises as he stretched in the hot water.

I caught sight of his fingers, wrinkled from being in water for too long. _From being in water for too long. Not my John._ I shook my head, trying not to draw attention to my panic.

"Let's go curl up in bed." I suggested.

"Hmm? ...I think I fell asleep."

"Even better reason. Let's go to bed and get cozy."

"Okay." He arched his back against my chest, stretching like a cat before stepping out of the tub.

I scrambled out less delicately and quickly toweled myself off and let down my dry hair.

John shivered, "here, why don't you let me dry your hair." I tried to sound sweet, like it was just a consider offer to veil my desperation to be rid of water.

"I'll be okay." He shivered, squeezing his hair to wring it.

"Nonsense, just take a minute." I kissed his cheek and he leaned against the vanity.

I dried his hair with the wall mounted hair dryer, his curls frizzing back to life. I watched him warm up, lowering the towel from a cape to lazily wrapped around his waist.

"See? Better." I led him out of the bathroom.

"It is better." He conceded.

We curled up under the thick blankets and he found his place against my chest.

"I'm pretty sure that I still owe you a massage." I told him.

"You were serious?"

"Deadly. You should feel good on your wedding night."

He rolled over and put his arms under his cheek, I rummaged through his bag and found lotion as well as an exorbitant amount of lube. _Lafayette._ I warmed some in my hands and straddled his waist, deeply working his neck and shoulders, he let out a moan.

"Feels good?" I asked, moving down his back.

"So good," his voice was muffled in his hands.

"Good. Want you to feel good."

I continued to work my way down to his hips until finally my hands grew tired. I bent over him, kissed the nape of his neck and trailed kisses down each vertebrate of his spine until I reached his tailbone, he came undone, arching his back, hands fisted in the sheet. _It was beautiful to watch. I was creating a feeling so good. Me. Capable of making something good happen, not just carving a path of destruction._

I took his full, toned ass in my hands and rubbed the muscles there as well, letting my hands trail, fingertips teasing him. He pulled his knees under him.

I reached back into his bag and retrieved one of several bottles of lube, not our favourite, but one we'd used before, no flavours or tingles, or any other high tech shit Lafayette packed for us.

I sat on my knees behind him and slicked my fingers and worked my way into him, still rubbing his back as I did so. After a few minutes spent getting him to relax, I replaced my fingers with my cock, slowly entering him. He buried his face in the pillows, a deep groan working it's way out of his chest like a creaking navy vessel. I found a pace, slow _like he liked it_ , a little bit to the left _like he liked it._ He made little whines and noises as I thrust into him.

"Can I… Can we do a different position?" He looked over his shoulder at me.

I stopped moving and slid out, "of course, what do you want?"

He stretched out, a slight _pop_ from his knee and rolled onto his side.

"Is this okay?" He asked.

"Absolutely. Whatever you want."

I matched his position, spooning behind him and slid myself back in, his opening so warm and inviting. I propped my head up on the fluffy pillows and tucked my arm under his head, hand spread out on the breadth of his chest.

"This okay?" I asked him.

"Mmhmm." He pressed into me, rocking his hips.

I matched the pace he was setting and reached for his own cock, stroking it in time. He laced his fingers through mine where my hand sat on his chest.

"Talk to me?" He asked.

"Um… this feels really good for me. You're so fucking sexy, you looked so beautiful earlier, I'm glad you decided that you maybe want to spend the rest of your life with me… I so don't deserve you, but I love you." I never could quite grasp the talking during sex thing, but I tried to indulge his request.

"I love you, Alex."

"Love you, too."

"Thank you for giving me a chance. I know you didn't want to."

"Just scared I'd break you… still am." I held him tighter, still rocking at the pace he set.

"You won't break me. You _are_ good."

I heard his breath catch in a sharp inhale, the cords of his muscles rippling through his body. I worked his cock faster, he bore back into me, I couldn't stave it off any longer and came. He cried out and followed me.

I held him once we'd reconvened in the bed. He let out a small giggle.

"What?" I asked.

"You're so much better at cuddling now."

"I try."

"Do you like it now?"

I thought about it, feeling almost embarrassed at how much I'd come to crave his touch, to bury my face in his neck after a bad day, or how satisfying it felt to hold him in times like these, to wake up with him holding onto me in one way or another. It helped that our bodies fit together like puzzle pieces, my short to his tall, my soft to his hard, my arms and legs to his trunk.

"I do. It's hard not to want to touch you all the time."

"I'm glad you like it. You're really good at it."

We stayed snuggled up for a long time, just holding each other, trading off on who held who, sharing little kisses, letting ourselves sober up.

"How weird is it that your boss is dating Laf's cousin? Like of all the people in the whole world!" John mused, breaking a bout of silence.

"So bizarre, I really thought it was him for a minute, but then he was with us."

"I know! Me, too!"

"He kind of seems like an asshole, though."

"Why do you say that?"

"I don't know… just a vibe."

"I guess. I mean, he seemed fine to me. It was nice that Aaron and his wife came. Maybe it makes me a jerk, I didn't realize he was black."

I chuckled, "I know they don't make non-white lawyers where you're from, but it does happen sometimes." I gestured to myself.

"His wife seems nice, when is their baby due?"

"In a couple of months, I guess?"

"That's sweet, our babies can have playdates!"

"I hope it's that quick for us." I tangled my fingers through his hair, free hand meandering up and down his flank.

"Me, too. I have a good feeling, though."

"My John, ever the optimist."

"I'm a hungry optimist. Amazingly just have cake and beer five hours ago left me hungry. Sex didn't help either."

"What do you know?" I rolled my eyes.

"Is there room service?" He asked.

"How would I know? I've definitely never been here before."

He grabbed his phone from the bedside table and looked up the hotel and made a noise of disgust, "how do you not have room service?"

"We can put on pants, you know. It won't kill us."

He groaned, "it might!"

"You're so dramatic."

"There's also no pasta or anything, it's all meat… I can have… macaroni and cheese or… asparagus."

I was already on my phone figuring it out, "we're a block away from chinese food, and they deliver."

He melted into the bed, dropping his phone, "yes! I want Chinese food, give me all the lo mein!"

"Calm down, psycho." I ordered online and gave delivery instructions to come to our room.

"You're my hero." He clicked on the television.

"Gotta make sure I feed you sometimes, querido, you get crabby when you don't eat."

"So you mean I turn into you?" He winked.

"Something like that."

"We're pretty classy, you know, ordering Chinese takeout on our wedding night."

"You've made me the classiest I could have ever hoped to be."

We were quiet for a while, John flicking through the channels. I stared at him. Watched the little faces that he made. Wrinkling his nose, rubbing his full lips together, little grins teasing the corners of his mouth. _Beautiful. So perfect. Incredible. Somehow I conned him into forever. I get to love him forever._

Our food arrived and I tipped the driver. John sat up eagerly and dove into his noodles. I was hungrier than I realized as I poked at my chicken.

"You want some rice?" I held the fork out to him.

He ate it like a happy baby bird, "I don't know why they don't give you noodles and rice! Like I'm eating takeout at one in the morning, you really think I'm that worried about carbs right now?"

I smirked at him, "you're so funny."

He blushed, "no, I'm not."

"Don't be bashful. It's true."

"Hey, is our baby going to eat meat?"

"I don't really care, do you?"

"Nah, doesn't really matter. I mean, I know why I don't, but that's their choice."

"Works for me. God, these next couple months are going to be tough. Get everything ready, crib and everything comes next week. First home visit the next week. School's trying to kill me."

"We'll make it. Teamwork. I got you."

"I know… I'm just never going to see you."

"It's okay, we'll make up for it later."

We ate our Chinese food and fell asleep quickly after in a contented heap.


	20. Chapter 20

**Evenin' gang. I am soooo behind at work so that means if you're lucky you might get a second chapter out of me in the next twelve hours. I'm slamming coffee anyways and writing is my favourite form of procrastination. Gotta get some actual shit done until this Fanfiction gig starts paying the bills (if only your kind reviews paid the bills, I could live where John and Alex do, you guys really mean the world to me). I had way too much fun writing lecturer Alex, hope you love reading him. Thank you thank you a million times over. I'm off to go _'get work done.'_**

* * *

 _Okay, okay, deep breath, just like you've been practicing._ I opened the door.

"Good evening, I'm Alicia, your caseworker."

I let the well dressed woman in, heavily exhaling. _This is it._ John greeted her in the living room. We talked casually for a few moments, I could tell she was looking for certain answers. I spoke easily with her while John clammed up. She interviewed us each privately as well as together to address every aspect of our lives, past present, and future. Alicia inspected our apartment, impressed will all of the modifications we'd made. It took about two hours to get through the meeting.

"Well, gentlemen, you've certainly gone above and beyond to prepare, I'm delighted to recommend you for placement. Now we wait."

John and I stared at each other, I spoke first, "that's it?"

She nodded, "rarely do we see a couple so prepared. Should be in the next six months you'll have your baby."

John grinned at me, I returned the smile.

"Thank you so much." He was beaming.

"So, that's really it?" I asked again.

"That's it. I wish all couples made my job this easy."

"Well… well, thank you so much."

I walked her out and thanked her again. John could barely contain himself when I got back to the couch. He bolted up and hugged me. We stood there swaying.

"It's really gonna happen." He sighed.

"Sure is," I bent up and kissed his cheek, "now I just need to make it through the next month and get done with this semester."

"Then we get to go on our honeymoon."

"You ever going to tell me where that is?"

He grinned, "nope."

"Surprises are the worst."

"You've mentioned that."

"Come on, John. Give me a hint. A little hint."

"No, I'm scared you'll figure it out, you're too smart."

"I bet I won't. Just a little hint."

He narrowed his eyes at me, "fine... Neither of us have been there."

I thought about it, "hold on, need pen and paper." I pulled away and started to retreat to my makeshift study.

He gripped me around the waist and pulled me back, "no! If you do that you'll figure it out."

I stood stock straight and grumbled, he was right, if given the opportunity to make a list of all the places that I remembered us talking about not having been I would probably be able to narrow it down enough to figure it out. It was a logical solution, if that was the clue, it meant that we had both talked about the location as a place that we hadn't been, which there couldn't be too many that we discussed, even less so were desirable honeymoon locations. I shut my eyes and ran my teeth over my lip, hand fidgeting across my thigh where it hung, writing on the tablet of my mind.

John pressed his hands to either side of my head and whined, "Alex, no! Stop thinking! Stop!" He sustained the vowel for a full breath.

I opened my eyes and grinned at him around my bitten lip.

"Godammit! You figured it out already, didn't you?" he flung his hands to his sides and dropped his head back in defeat, his eyes betraying a smile.

I smirked, "I don't think so, but it's cute seeing you all flustered."

"You're totally going to figure it out now. Ugh, this is why I didn't want to give you a clue."

"You could just tell me."

"Not a chance. You'll find out in June."

"Alright, I'll leave you be. Just… first, a quick question. What airline?"

"No." He knit his eyebrows and his lips twitched, not telling me was starting to eat him alive

"Which airport?"

"No." His nostrils flared.

"What time is our flight scheduled for?"

"No!" He looked pained as he whined. I could almost see the secret in his eyes, begging to be let out.

I got closer to him and nipped at his ear, feeling the chill run through his body, he closed his eyes and let out a shaky breath.

I took the opportunity to reach a hand down between his legs.

"This feels like bribery." He complained.

"That's what having your husband's hand cupping your balls feels like, huh?"

"This is… it's... extortion."

"No, it's not. There's no threat. What am I threatening you with? An orgasm? Don't try to out-lawyer me."

"Ugh, fine, isn't there some legal term for what you're doing?"

"Nope, no need to get the law involved. Just a man seducing his husband after a successful interview in which all of our hopes and dreams get to come true.. And, I mean, if that husband wanted to - in the throes of his ecstasy - announce the destination of their honeymoon, that would be fine, too."

"Keep dreaming. I'll take a blow job, though." He winked.

"Sorry, I'm a prostitute, not a ho. I don't work for free. Pay me in answers"

He grabbed me tight to him and pressed a kiss to my temple, the will to banter leaving him, "I love you so much. We're really gonna be dads."

The game was over… for now, "I love you, too. Now we just have to wait, but I still have papers to write for the next month. So, I'm going to go and get that started."

He sighed and nodded, realizing I meant that I was in for a late night, "want me to make you some coffee?"

"You don't have to."

"I know." He kissed my temple for a second time and released me. I sat at my desk and started working, feeling the pressure of deadlines hurting toward me.

John brought me a hot cup of coffee and watched over my shoulder as I typed. He got out his pencils and sat on the floor against the wall, I watched him watch me and knew that I was his subject. I ignored it and kept working until I realized I was falling asleep. John still sat on the floor sketching, blanket now wrapped around his shoulders, half drank cup of tea beside him.

"Okay. That's all I can do tonight." I glanced at the time in the corner of the computer. It was after four in the morning.

"Oh, thank God." John stood up.

"You could have gone to bed."

"Wanted to be close to you."

"I wasn't going anywhere. You could have gotten a decent night's sleep."

"Just wanted to be by you." He flopped into bed.

I set my alarm and fell asleep, John resting his head on my chest.

I managed to make class on time, doing better on little sleep this morning than John. I turned in my papers and tried to focus during the lecture.

At work, I settled in at my desk, trying to get us ahead of schedule so I could leave in a few weeks with a clear conscience. Madison's boyfriend… Lafayette's cousin, Thomas was there again, just hanging out on the couch, I could see why Lafayette wasn't the biggest fan. Guy was smart... I had to give due credit, but he was pompous, spending most days just sitting in the office, waiting on James to be done.

I got a text and checked it, from John.

 **Bad news**

I felt my heart sink and stepped outside and called him, instinctively feeling in all my pockets for a pack of cigarettes that hadn't been there for almost three months. He didn't answer.

 **John, you can't text shit like that and then not answer. What?**

 **Sorry cant talk still in meeting. Going on assignment**

 **Assignment?**

 **To DC next week for at least 3 days**

 **That's not so bad.**

 **But Ill miss you**

I smiled at my phone like an idiot, _dammit, John, get me all worked up and then be so fucking cute about it._

 **I'll miss you, too.**

I worked a little late, trying to make up for the lost time from being in class. John was home when I arrived, sitting on the sofa, a piece of pizza hanging out of his mouth, brows furrowed at his computer screen while he edited a photograph of a fire hydrant.

"You're a bizarre little creature." I kissed the top of his head. He took a bite of the pizza. Using his hands to hold it now.

"Hi. Have a good day?"

"Good enough. Thomas was there again."

"Again?"

I nodded.

John finished his pizza, "so, Adams said I'm leaving Monday, be back Thursday night. Bunch of press conferences, I guess."

"That's alright, I'll just be working anyway."

"I knew you'd say that. Dinner's in the kitchen."

I got a piece of pizza, not really caring about the bizarre combo of green peppers and pineapple and sat down with John. He closed his computer and looked at me.

"You working tonight?" he asked.

"Yeah, this case we're studying is going to be the death of me."

"Almost done," He trailed his fingers over my arm, "you don't think we'll miss out on a baby because we go on vacation do you?"

"No, we're still allowed to have real lives."

He nodded. I looked at my phone, "fuck, it's already seven, I gotta go get myself set up, Polly's skyping me soon for her English paper. Which reminds me, you do know what contractions are, right? Like 'can't', 'don't', 'wouldn't'. They teach that in South Carolina?"

He made a puzzled face, "yeah."

I shook my head, "God, you're bad at texting."

"Whatever, I get my point across."

I rolled my eyes and clicked open the Skype app on my laptop. Polly called shortly thereafter.

"'Sup, brother-in-law?" she grinned on the screen.

"You don't have to keep calling me that." I smirked.

"It's still fun. I'm gonna ride it out for at least another month."

"Alright, so what are we working on?"

She rolled her eyes and sank back into her chair, "stupid freaking Animal Farm. Like, it's just a worse version of Charlotte's Web."

John called over from the couch, resuming work on his computer, "Charlotte's Web is a really good book!"

Polly looked for John behind me and then resorted to shouting, _a time honoured Laurens family tradition,_ "I know, right!"

"I think it might be the last book I truly enjoyed!"

"Me, too!"

I rubbed my temples, "ack! You read that in the fourth grade, find better books, like, like the Odyssey or, or, or The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire, or, Christ, Voltaire? Don Quixote? You can't really tell me Charlotte's Web is the greatest literary work!"

Polly giggled, "when you're stomach's empty and your mind is full it's hard to sleep."

"True dat!" John called.

"You people are bizarre," I tented my hands in front of me, "so Animal Farm.'

Polly got back on topic, "right. Stupid Animal Farm. It's just so dumb. Like a revolt from farm animals? Is this about being vegan or something?"

"Dude, no," I exhaled, "it's about communism, Orwell was this huge Socialist, right?"

John shouted, "like Bernie Sanders."

"Hush, I'm giving a lesson over here," I hissed.

"Feel the Bern!" John whooped.

"Stop talking. Anyway, okay, so," I found the cap of a pen and held it between my first two fingers while I gesticulated in front of me, "the animals are just people, break it down to that, just people versus people, but in the forties, shit's kind of tense, right? So Orwell, smart dude, kind of a whack job, can't just be like, 'ugh, Stalin, and Communism,' so he writes this book that's all, 'ugh, Animalism,' and people in that era totally see through it, it's straight up propaganda."

"So why are _we_ reading it?"

"Well, it's a classic, for one, great intro to Orwell, but more than that, you get this whole anti-capitalist anti-totalitarian sentiment, too. Which is totally still a thing. Capitalism is alive and well, which, I mean, Capitalism started out great! Go Capitalism. When our country was a baby, we needed to figure out our debts, I mean, you've got us trying to break it off with England and figure out trade, so national bank, definitely the way to go," I lifted the pen cap to my mouth and held it between my teeth, talking around it, "states were still trying to figure out how to do the whole united as a country thing, right? Like, you've got Virginia out there, just planting and slaving and having a grand ole time, meanwhile New York - who actually got shit done - is swimming in debt because we've been up north winning wars and starting the actual 'running a country' thing and all that good shit. So, boom, you get a national bank, and move some things around, let the union assume state's debts, and you get a new line of credit. It never really worked the right way, because, you know, Congress and shit, so Capitalism started out great, but then it got all bastardized into what we have today which is megalomaniac billionaires who, you know, become president and sell Christmas Ornaments, effectively making them more money, while poor Flint, Michigan doesn't even have clean water to drink. You go over to 1940's Russia or USSR or what have you and it's super duper jacked up. Really bad over there, worse than what we're seeing today because you get those dudes who take the good idea that Capitalism is supposed to be, like the idea of you inheriting your spouse's debts when you get married because all for one, you're one entity - sorry about those student loans, John - and then you balance it all out, but no you go over to forties Russia and you've got this whole absolute power corrupts absolutely thing that happens so it butchers good Capitalism and turns it into Totalitarianism."

John was behind me, and put his hands on my shoulders, "are you even still talking about Animal Farm?"

I drew the pen cap from between my teeth and held it in my fingers again, "well, yeah, but if you don't get the whole Capitalism thing-"

"I get it!" Polly was staring wide eyed into her webcam.

"If you don't get that part then you think that Animal Farm is just Charlotte's Web. That's… I can't let her think _that_." I told John.

"I don't! I promise! It's nothing like Charlotte's Web! It's about banks, yay banks, but also boo banks! Communism sucks!" Polly was insisting.

"She gets it," John rested his chin on the crown of my head, "hi, Poll."

"Hi, Jackie."

"Alright, you get it, so what's the assignment?"

"I have to write two pages about how the pigs keep their authority."

"Boom, easy, done, whatcha got? Lay it on me!"

She looked at her notebook, "they, uh, well they say 'four legs good, two legs bad.'"

"Good start, what else?"

"Oh, uh, no, that's it."

I put the pen cap back between my teeth and helped her come up with strong arguments, our conversation took almost three hours, but she came up with a decent first draft.

"Thanks, Alexander, I can at least show up with this for peer review, can you help me again?"

"Yup. Just send me a copy of the edits your classmates suggest, actually, no, don't, just send your draft, forget what they say."

"Learning to take criticism is important!" John called.

"Yeah, sure, but not from losers!" I retorted.

Polly and I finally hung up and I started on my own homework.

"Poor love, now you're going to have a really long night."

"I don't mind, kid needed help."

"You're really sweet to help my sister."

"Not a big deal." I told him.

"Kind of a big deal. You're sweet."

"I've warned you before not to stare into my sweetness, you'll break it."

"Worth it." He nudged into me and went to sit back on the couch and keep working.

I kept working for the next two hours, John got up to get a snack, just a jar of peanut butter and a spoon, and kept working.

"I hate this." I complained, moving on to the fourth case, rolling my wrists, letting them click, trying to relieve some of the tension.

"Me, too. I got strapped with so much in order to go out on assignment… Like I had an option!" John was exasperated.

"I know. Adams is a fucking prick."

"Word." He agreed.

"So…" I trailed off.

"Sex break?" He suggested.

"I'm fucking down." I shut the lid of my laptop and bolted to his side.


	21. Chapter 21

**Ugh, the feels, I write fluffy drivel while procrastinating, apparently. Thanks for reading! Hope you enjoy, especially you, Shadow, hope it lives up to your request!**

* * *

 **DC sucks. What are you doing?**

 **Something fun? ;)**

 **Something sexy?**

 **Miss me yet?**

The texts rolled in, John's work day had ended and he was making up for lost time. I responded.

 **DC is awesome! How can you think it sucks? There's so much history! I haven't had a chance to miss you yet, you keep texting me. I'm working at home... super sexy, I know.**

I set my phone down and kept working until it rang a few minutes later, not looking away from the computer screen and answered it, propping it between my ear and shoulder.

"Hola, bombón. Bellaco?" I let my smirk drip into my voice, trying to get a rise out of John, figuring he was bored and lonely in his hotel room, and knowing what bored and lonely John was like, decided to play a game.

"Hein? Qu'est-ce que tu as dit?" _Lafayette?_ I glanced at the caller ID, yup, Lafayette.

"Laf, fuck, uh… désolé. I thought you were John."

"Was that some kinky shit?" He asked, trying to hold back his laughter.

"Not really. What's up?" I pinched the bridge of my nose.

"Hercules is getting ready for a show tonight in the studio, so I am bored and alone, come over for dinner. I have nobody to cook for."

"I wish I could-"

He cut me off, "-please! John is out of town, my Hercules is away, I am bored... and you will starve! John always tells me you do not feed yourself if he is not there."

I looked around at what I still had to do, but decided a warm meal, a _Lafayette_ meal sounded nice, "I'm on my way."

I pulled on John's NASA hoodie that I'd long ago secured as my own, it was finally nice enough outside to only need a noodie even in the dark. I rode the train to Lafayette and Hercs' Hell's Kitchen apartment. Lafayette handed me a glass of wine upon my entry.

"Welcome, mon ami." He was covered in flour, a typical way to find him. A white Sweeney Todd streak of powder in his hair, more in his beard.

"Hey, Laf. Thanks for having me."

"Absolutely. You still do not cook?"

"Not really." I grinned sheepishly.

His eyes lit up, "I can teach you!"

"Oh, uh… Lafayette… that's really nice, but I'm kind of a lost cause."

"Nonsense. And once you have your baby, it will be so nice for you to cook for John."

I thought it over, _with how much he takes care of me, it would be nice to surprise him and return the favour,_ "alright, put me in, coach."

"I will teach you…" he opened the refrigerator and rummaged through the crisper, "ratatouille! John loves this. You put it with pasta and it is very delicious."

I stared on, intimidated by the amount of fresh vegetables he pulled out of the refrigerator.

"Quick question?" I asked, not liking how stupid I felt.

Lafayette gave me his attention.

"Fuck is this?" I held up a purple fruit… vegetable… food.

"That is eggplant." He told me.

 _So that's what those look like raw…. noted_

I looked at the ingredients, tomatoes, _eggplant, apparently_ , red bell pepper, cumin, "it's berenjena guisada," the memory hit me all at once, being little, _eating a bowl of the stew with mashed plantains_.

I smiled at the thought of my mother's cooking.

"What's that?"

"Puerto Rican thing."

Lafayette nodded like he was trying to make it make sense in his mind, "okay, so ratatouille, first we will saute the onion and garlic."

He heated up a skillet with olive oil.

"Whole?" I clarified.

He stared at me like he was trying to figure out if I was joking, he tied back his hair with the band on his wrist, _apparently shit was about to get real,_ "no, we will be chopping it first. Everything must be chopped."

"Right." _Dumbass. Whole onion?_

"Okay, chop up the onion and a few cloves of garlic."

I started to hack at the onion, chief concern walking out of Lafayette's apartment with the same amount of digits I came with. I looked over and saw his grimace.

"Non, non, no, no, watch."

I handed him the knife, paying attention to how he folded his fingers in, gripping the onion by his nails, tucking his fingertips safely under his knuckles. He gave the knife back and I tried to mimic his grip on the odiferous vegetable. My slices lacked the grace and evenness of his, but they were much nicer than they had been, far more controlled.

"Better. Now put this into the pan, little bit of salt, helps it to get the liquid out."

I watched him spoon out salt from the salt box by the vase of utensils sitting on the stovetop and add it to the pan.

"Okay, now the rest of the vegetables. First we boil water for the pasta." He filled a pot with water and turned the burner on high before he demonstrated how to slice and chop the various vegetables.

I tried not to be too pissy, despite how out of my element I was. _All for John._

"Now what?" I stared at the chopped vegetables.

"Add to the onions." He instructed.

I followed the directions.

"Add the seasonings. Just with your eyes."

"What does that even mean?"

"Do not measure, you can just use your instincts." He tossed in a bay leaf and shook in some of the other spices.

"Yeah, definitely going to fuck that up."

"You will learn to feel it in time."

"Doubtful."

"Okay, add the pasta, the water is boiling. I didn't make my own tonight, so just, here from this box."

"I'm never making my own pasta."

"It's not so hard!" He insisted.

I poured the noodles in and he stirred and salted the bubbling pot, using a different spoon to stir the vegetables.

"Now what?" I prodded.

"We wait and drink wine." He raised his glass to his lips.

I followed suit, relishing in the libation.

He prompted me to stir the vegetables once more, they softened into each other, fragrance of the cooking food filled the kitchen.

"Okay, turn off the heat, and we'll drain the pasta."

I clicked the burner off and he strained the noodles before handing me two bowls. I dished out the food for us. We sat at the table and he handed me a chunk of still warm baguette. I tried the food I'd made skeptically and was astonished to find that it _was_ delicious, maybe not as attractive as the meals that Lafayette made, but it actually tasted amazing.

"This is a lot like berenjena guisada." I remarked, remembering my childhood.

"Maybe you will teach me that recipe."

"Oh… I don't… I don't know how to make it, I just remember eating it as a kid."

"We can find a recipe and learn together!" He suggested.

"Easy, tiger. One step at a time." I knew that Lafayette would teach me a cookbook cover to cover tonight if given the opportunity.

He smiled and we made casual conversation over the meal.

"Have you heard about your baby?"

"Nothing yet, just been a week. Probably got a couple of months still."

Lafayette nodded, "I am very excited."

"Me, too."

"First you get to have your honeymoon."

"Do _you_ know where we're going?"

Lafayette pursed his lips in a scowl and glared out the window at the lights of the city, "no. John says that he can't trust me with the secret, that since we're friends you will lean on me until I break… it is fair, because I would."

"You would." I remembered Christmas.

After dinner I tried to help with the dishes, but Lafayette refused. I apologized for eating and running, but the amount of work I still had to do was crippling.

Back home I got back to working and when I felt my brain start leaking out my ears from staring at the same briefing for too long I opened a new tab and Googled berenjena guisada. It looked simple enough to make. Maybe Lafayette and I could attempt it after all.

My phone rang and I was much more careful to check the caller ID. This time it actually was John.

"Hey." I kept working.

"Hey, sexy. What are you doing?"

"Still working. Went to Lafayette's for dinner."

"Oh, good! He's always so whiny when Hercules works late. You have a lot to do tonight?"

"Yeah, gotta finish reading this damned book before class."

"How much more do you have?"

"Only like sixty pages, I'll be done before long, just exhausted."

"I get it. I really miss you. They gave me a king bed, it's too big."

"Spread out and enjoy it. Order room service and have a good time."

"I just wish you were here."

"I know, querido, but trust me that you're not missing out on much." I turned the page and kept reading, splitting my attention.

"I guess."

"Only two more days."

"Then I'm going to be a leech on you. You're not going to be able to get any work done."

"...huh? Oh, yeah, that's probably true."

"You're still working, aren't you?"

"Yeah. I'm sorry, just can't stop until I'm done with this."

"Okay, well… I guess I'll let you go. You need to get your work done."

"Sorry, I'm sorry. I love you."

"I know, it's okay… I love you, too. I'll talk to you later."

"Alright, bye, sleep tight."

I hung up the phone feeling like a gigantic asshole as I read, angrily flipping pages. I chewed through my lip, eyes flying over the text. _Dumbass._ It only took another two hours to finish the book… leaving me at a decent stopping place. I got up and went to the bathroom to splash cold water on my face and looked at my tired face in the mirror.

I put myself to bed, switching into sweatpants and a tank top and sat on the edge of the bed and skype called John. He answered almost immediately.

"Hi!" He waved, I heard him fumble around and turn the television off.

"Hey."

"What's up?"

"I just wanted to see your pretty face."

His cheeks erupted into colour, glowing bright red in the soft lamplight of the hotel room, he licked his lips and looked away.

"Are you all done working?"

"For tonight. Wanted to apologize for being such a shitbag earlier."

"You weren't, I know you're busy. I know you're worried about your exams. It's okay."

"God, you're so fine." I sucked my lip in between my teeth.

He blushed again, "no, you are."

"What are you wearing, querido?"

"Uh, just a t-shirt and underwear, it's cold in my room."

"Wish I could warm you up. Take it off."

"Take what off?"

"Everything. Wanna see."

He set the phone down, leaving me the vantage point of the ceiling when he picked it up again I could see the smooth chiseled skin of his collarbones and chest, kissed with delicate freckles. I bit down on my lip.

Happy?" He smiled out of the corner of his mouth.

"Goddamned beautiful."

"You're wearing clothes still."

"Doesn't matter, we're not talking about me right now. Touch yourself."

His mouth moved to whine, undoubtedly about to complain about embarrassment.

"Do it," my voice was soft and stern, desperate to assuage him of any nerves, "think watching you come's the sexiest thing in my life. Don't deny me of that."

He switched his phone to his other hand and I watched him try to get comfortable.

"Good?" He asked.

"Perfect, close your eyes, it's me there, touch yourself like I do."

His head fell against the pillows, mouth falling open, "...Alex," he breathed.

"That's right, querido. Say my name." I stroked myself lazily watching his face twist up.

"Alex. I want you."

"I know. I know. Home before you know it, just keep touching yourself for me."

"Okay," he nodded, "I want you. Want your-your mouth, oh, fuck, I want… want to ride you, fuck, Alex, Alex." He keened and I watched his nose wrinkle, the sexy little face he always pulled when he came, lips parting in a deep sigh.

"So good, could watch that shit all day and night."

"I love you." He looked around for napkins or something to clean himself up with.

"I love you, too. Get some sleep."

He shook his head and yawned, "not done talking to you."

"John, you need sleep, I know you're in for another long day tomorrow."

"Don't care. I miss you."

"At least turn off the lights."

"Okay." He clicked the lamp off and turned on his side, holding the phone against the pillows, his face harshly lit in the glow of the phone.

"You alright?"

"Just lonely… You squint a lot." He observed.

"I guess I'm just tired."

"You should get your eyes looked at."

"Yeah, sure, with what insurance?"

"We're married now, I'll put you on mine."

I nodded slowly.

"Talk to me, it's too quiet here."

"You might be a New Yorker after all. What do you want me to talk to you about?"

"Don't care."

I thought for a moment, "alright, is your phone plugged in?"

"Yeah."

"Alright, want to make sure you have an alarm to wake up to."

"I'm good."

"Okay, so, there's this really pretty girl at a party, right? So anyway, this dude, bad news, lives among the shadows, real ass, he sees her, thinks she's the most beautiful girl he's ever seen and begs her mother to let him marry her daughter, her mom says 'no way' because, well, obviously."

"This is a weird story." John's voice grew sleepy.

"Well, he's all bummed and makes this plan, so the girl's out picking flowers and the earth opens up around her and his in this great chariot pulled by black horses, he steals her away to his home, this kingdom, really."

"I bet her mom was pissed."

"She was, she has no idea where her daughter is, looks all over, and finally figures it out, so she goes and has this huge like hostage negotiation with the dude, basically saying that her daughter deserved better, but this dude really loved the girl, so he negotiated back. Pissed that she's not given her daughter back she stops working and the whole world falls into famine. So the girl's dad finally steps in."

"I wouldn't let anyone take our baby." His eyes were fluttering shut.

"He offers some mediation and it's agreed that if they can prove the girl is there against her will her parents can take her home. So what does the bad dude do? He tricks her-"

"No!" John gasped followed by a yawn.

"Yup, there's this fruit of his kingdom that if you eat it, you never want to leave the kingdom. So he has her eat this fruit, and she does and she stops being sad and tells her parents she wants to stay with her husband. So they all strike up a deal, she'll spend half the year with her parents and half the year with him. When she's with him her mom stops working and lets the world wither, but she's so overcome by joy at the return of her daughter that she lets everything bloom."

"That's nice." His voice was breathy, face slack.

"That's why we have seasons, well at least why they thought so in ancient Greece, that's the story of Persephone, but you're asleep, so goodnight."

"No."

I indulged him and watched him fall asleep, disconnecting the call after he dropped his phone into the pillows.


	22. Chapter 22

**Yay, it's finally honeymoon time! I hope you guys enjoy the fluff that's headed your way. You've all put up with so much melancholy Alex that you deserve a little more cinnamon roll love. Don't think it's all sunshine and roses, though... That's not really my style. ;) Also, sixty reviews? What! You guys make my heart explode. Thank you as always for your unwavering support and reviews!**

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I walked into the lecture hall, ready as I could be for the final. Washington stood at the front of the room and gave instructions for how the final would be structured, the case that would be covered and how we should handle the exam. I worked on remembering to breathe deeply as I settled myself between Aaron and Angelica. A determined hush fell over the room as well all worked on trying not to flunk out of the first semester of law school. I took advantage of the full three hours, rewriting my arguments a few times, holding my pen cap between my teeth for the duration, anything to calm my nerves. I was one of the last to leave, thanking the professor for his time.

From the hallway, I called John, not breaking my step to leave the building.

"Hey, babe. All done?" He answered excitedly.

"That was the last one. All done, first semester of law school is in the books."

"That's my man, right there! How'd it go?"

"I think it went pretty well."

"Good! I knew you'd do great. You ready for this weekend?"

"Yes, but will you finally tell me where we're going?"

"No, Alex."

"How am I even going to be able to pack?"

"It's going to be hot, we're going to a beach one day. Pack for that."

Beach? _Beach?_ _Ocean beach?_ I cleared my throat, "okay, good, good hint."

"You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm just tired, you know. I'm going to work, but I'll be home tonight."

"Want to go out and celebrate? There's no food at home, emptied everything out so we don't come home to a mold colony."

"Yeah, sure, you pick the place."

"Alright, I love you. See you tonight."

"Love you, too."

Work was uneventful, Thomas was there… _of course…_ and he and James grilled me about where we were going on our honeymoon. I insisted that I didn't know and tried to get far enough ahead on my projects to not feel too guilty leaving for a week. Once I got home I found John dressed nicely, button down - top few buttons undone, leaving his jugular notch to peek out and beg to be licked and sucked - and slacks waiting for me.

"What's this all about?" I smirked and held him by his hips when he stood to greet me.

"We're going out. Go change."

"I have to look nice?" I pulled a face

He rolled his eyes and smacked my ass lightly "go, we're celebrating."

I went to the bedroom and found slacks and a dress shirt. I let down my hair, smoothing and re-tying it into a low ponytail.

"Good enough?" I presented myself.

John grinned lopsidedly, "holy shit, maybe I'll just cancel our reservations, have you for dinner instead."

"Stop it. We both know I'm not worth all that."

"I disagree."

"Come on, let's go eat."

John had made reservations to our favourite nice Italian restaurant and ordered a bottle of wine. We waited for our food and I reached across the table to hold his hands. The gesture earned me a love drunk smile from him.

"I'm all packed and ready, new lens came just in time." He told me.

"I need to do that tonight. Still won't tell me?"

"Fine. I guess I can since we leave tomorrow." He blushed delicately.

"What are you all worked up for?"

"I just hope you like it, spent so long not telling you I don't want it to be anticlimactic."

Our server brought our dinners out to us, I inspected my lasagna and waited for John to speak before I took a bite.

"So where?" I asked him.

He sighed like he hoped I'd forgotten, _silly man._

"Well, I thought it would be nice to take you somewhere you can learn about your history, but not somewhere you've been, good memories only, especially since we're going to have our baby soon, good to learn more to be able to tell them stories, and we can take a day to play at the beach, and there are some great museums." He twirled spaghetti around his fork.

"Spit it out, John."

"We're going to New Orleans. You said your great grandparents are from there. "

I smiled at him, "that's really sweet, querido."

"Figured it would be fun to go somewhere we've never been, and I know how you are about history, it's a really old city, so you'll like that and it'll be cool to see where your family is from."

"Good job." I nudged his ankle with my foot under the table and he loosened up.

We tucked into our meal and beamed at each other the whole time. _I was impressed. He'd done a good job. I'd considered New Orleans as a possibility, but it had been so long since we'd talked about it I was sure he'd forgotten._

John paid the bill and we went home so I could pack.

"Do you even have a swimsuit?" he asked, rolling the shirts I handed him.

"Nope, I haven't been swimming since… well since I came to America."

His eyes widened, "how?"

"Not really a huge fan of water, or oceans." I let it hang between us.

He chewed at his cheek, "that makes sense. We don't have to go to the beach."

"No, we'll go, I know you like to swim, and hey I can drink and read books anywhere."

"You sure?"

"It's your honeymoon, too, John. I'll do just about anything for you to have a good time."

He smiled bashfully at me and we finished packing, I was a lighter packer than he was, probably could have fit everything into a backpack if I'd needed to.

John ran over his checklist again with me as we settled in to bed, confident he was forgetting something.

"You got _all_ the lube Lafayette gave us?"

He considered it, "I packed some, but I thought we didn't really like the-"

"I'm being sarcastic, no one needs that much, but I'm gonna fuck you a lot. A lot. You won't know what hit you. You'll just be hanging out at some New Orleans hotel, then suddenly, 'whoa, what's that?' boom, 'it's Alexander's dick.'" I rutted my hips against him for good measure.

He giggled and wrapped his arms around me, "you're dumb."

"No, I just like to make you laugh."

He scrunched up his face and looked away.

We fell asleep together and in the morning I slipped out of bed and let him sleep, trying to get even just a little more work done before we left.

He got up and I listened to him shuffling around, going through his morning rituals, I downed my coffee and slid my laptop and another notebook for good measure into my bag. He tugged the end of my ponytail and kissed my jaw. I turned to kiss him properly.

"Morning, sunshine." I smiled at him.

"Morning."

"You wanna go get some breakfast since our flight isn't until later?"

He nodded and wiped his eyes.

"We should just take all our stuff."

"Okay. What do you want?"

"Can we go to La Barca?"

"You got it." We gathered all of our things before going to our favourite spot, where John decided our second date had taken place, luggage in tow.

We hoisted our bags into the opposite side of the booth and sat side by side, John nuzzling into my side, arm threaded around mine, latched around my bicep while I drank coffee and we waited for our food.

"So, what's the plan for the rest of the day?" I asked him.

"Well the flight's about three hours, but we get an hour back since we change time zones, so I'm thinking we should be able to check in at about six or seven and we go find dinner and maybe go out for drinks? Hit the museums hard tomorrow. Sound good?"

I thought about it, "what if we just stay in our room all night and I have my way with you instead?"

He blushed and turned to bury his face against me, "I guess that's technically an option, too."

John seemed relieved that our breakfasts came and he scarfed down his plantains. I ran my fingers over the top of his thigh, settling the heel of my hand just too close to his crotch and he shifted beside me.

"What hotel are we staying at?"

"Don't hate me." His brows pulled together.

I pursed my lips, "okay?"

"The Ritz-Carlton…" he grimaced.

I resisted the urge to gag, "that may have been a little bit overboard, yeah?"

"We only get one honeymoon… and this will probably be our only vacation for a while, figured we should do it right."

"I love you and your ridiculous orphan money." I leaned over and kissed his hair, calming his nerves about my reaction.

"And I like spoiling us."

After breakfast we made our way to LaGuardia and of course John had booked us first class. We boarded first, only a half hour behind schedule and enjoyed our drinks while the other passengers boarded.

"Deep breaths, love." John squeezed my hand during takeoff, eyes fixed on my bouncing knees.

I nodded and clamped my eyes shut, feeling the moment the wheels left the ground and the ascent began in earnest. I let out the breath I was holding and felt John thumb sliding across the back of my hand. Upstroke, slow, breathe in. Downstroke, slow, breathe out. A few more repetitions and the aggressive incline of the plane stopped, we finally leveled out. I sighed and opened my eyes.

"Thank you." I smiled a tight lipped little thing at him. _Pussy._

"Of course. You did great."

We made it through yet another flight without dying and wandered through the airport to the luggage claim and waited for our bags. They finally came around on the carousel and we went outside to hail a cab. John provided instructions and I got a chance to catch my first sight of the city during the twenty minute car ride. It looked mostly like any other mid sized city, the humidity was what set it apart from anywhere else.

Checking in to the hotel was easy, I looked around at just how snazzy the building was, opulent with an eighteenth century flair, despite how modern everything was. Our room was no different, ornate four poster king bed, overstuffed couch in the corner. John flopped down on the bed.

"This is… wow." I commented, drawing back the curtains to expose the windows overlooking the city, trying to memorize what I could of the layout of the streets from thirty stories up..

"Alex, come snuggle me and we'll figure out dinner."

I pivoted to see him on his back, legs dangling off the bed, phone in his hands suspended over his head, looking at Yelp to try and find a good restaurant. I couldn't resist the opportunity that presented itself and dropped to the floor between his legs, gripped him behind his knees and pulled him to the edge of the bed, I unbuttoned his jeans and rucked them down to the floor.

"Hey!" He exclaimed out of surprise.

I raised an eyebrow and pulled his soft member out of his boxer briefs and took him into my mouth. He grew hard, pressing against my throat. I swallowed him eagerly, listening to his soft moans and heard his phone fall into the duvet.

"Alex, oh, God, yeah, that feels nice." He reached around my head for the rubber band securing my hair and freed it, rooting his hands in my hair, pulling me closer to him.

I bobbed, careful attention paid to the sensitive underside with my tongue and swallowed, letting the contractions of my pharynx ripple a moan out of him. My hair was released and his position changed, I glanced up at him to see him up on his elbows looking down at me. I blinked and closed my eyes again, burying my nose into the patch of hair at his base. I shifted slightly, keenly aware of the constriction in my jeans.

"Alex, oh, please don't stop. Please."

He twitched in my mouth and I heard him fall back against the bed, his knees clamped on either side of me, he twitched hard in my mouth and let out a long sustained groan as he shot off in my mouth. I swallowed and slid away from him, wiping my mouth and toggling my jaw side to side.

"Happy honeymoon, amante." I got on the bed and straddled him.

"Welcome to New Orleans." He smirked.


	23. Chapter 23

**Long chapter, I just love seeing them having fun together, it writes itself. Thank you so much for the love and the suggestions, Shadow, why do you live in my brain? We're constantly on the same wavelength, it's getting a little crowded in my head with John and Alex already taking up residence! You guys are the bomb dot com and I love reviews like Alex loves cheap rum.**

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"Okay, what museum do you want to do first?" John set his notebook on the counter of the diner we sat in.

"Well it sounds like the World War II one is pretty good, but I think it's an all day sort of affair. Definitely want to check out the pharmacy museum, and I mean, we're in New Orleans, so we have to go on a Voodoo tour and a cemetery tour. Swamp tour could be fun, I'd know you'd really like that. There's the Louisiana museum, which seems pretty neat as well."

"But what should we do today?"

"Um, hold on, let me see the map."

He handed me the crumpled map from the hotel lobby. I worked to find the cross streets of the museums we were interested in and plotted them all with my pen, I circled the closest ones.

"What are you doing?" He leaned on the heel of his hand and chewed at a piece of toast.

"Okay, these are what's closest to each other. We've got Voodoo and Pharmacy, the state museum's right here, too. So we could knock those three out in a day, that's all super close to the French Quarter, so we can do a cemetery tour that day, too, then over here the Civil War Museum, the art museum, and the World War II museum are in this little cluster."

"God, I love the way your brain works."

I took a glug of coffee and looked at him, "it's just good logic, so what do you want to do today? Swamp and beach are separate since those will be more like day trips."

"I guess we do the World War II one first since it's the biggest."

"That's my John, always wanting the biggest." I winked at him.

"You're ridiculous, are you done with breakfast?"

"Yeah, I'm ready to get rolling. Let's go."

We paid the bill and found the streetcar, John looked confused and timid as I watched the map on my phone change as we crossed through the city.

"You sure you know where we're going?" John asked.

"I make public transit my bitch, I got this. If I can navigate New York, I think I can handle New Orleans."

He nodded slowly, looking at my phone, trying to make sense of the information, "you're better at the subway than me."

"I've got like fifteen years of living in the city on you."

I easily navigated us to the connecting bus and we got off near the museum, walking a few blocks to the domineering, multi building museum. We bought our tickets and started wandering the exhibits, parting to look at the different artifacts and inscriptions and sneaking up on one another with a hand on a hip, chin rest on a shoulder, kiss on the cheek. We wandered deeper into the museum.

"Whoa. That's a damned fine looking cannon." I read the inscription.

"I didn't know you liked cannons so much."

"Absolutely, artillery is definitely the way to go. I would so be an artillery guy if I was ever in the military. Most bang for your buck with this bigger firepower."

John snickered at the thought of me in the military, but lifted his camera from where it hung around his neck and snapped a picture of the cannon before he moseyed away to look at something he found interesting, I followed him, getting sidetracked along the way. When I caught up to him he was staring at a wall of text pulling a face, hands on the straps of his camera.

"What'd you find?" I snaked my hands around his waist and read over his shoulder.

"This is some serious bullshit. They wanted all hands on deck for the war, but they barely let blacks fight in it, making them cooks and shit, not even giving them honourable roles. What bullshit is that? Come away from your family to defend a country that hates you and then still won't even let you properly fight for it. Bullshit."

"You're so heated."

"It's just not fair! Our country marginalizes people at every turn."

"It is kind of what we do."

We made our way through the impressive size of the museum, there were letters from soldiers that I enjoyed reading. John liked watching the videos set up playing interviews with soldiers, I watched him lineup several shots, fiddling with knobs and buttons on his camera, never growing tired of watching him doing what he loved.

"Some pretty neat stuff." John sighed as we spilled back onto the humid New Orleans street.

"Definitely. Want to do the Civil War museum or the art museum next?" I found his hand as we crossed the street.

"I heard that the art museum was kind of lame. We have the MoMA in our backyard, let's see stuff we can't see anywhere else."

"Fair points."

The Civil War museum was across from our last stop, an old building one long room that wrapped around a staircase. John shook his head and made disgruntled faces at the flags on display.

"My poor social justice warrior. How did you survive living in South Carolina?" I leaned my head on his shoulder while I read.

"Lots of drugs and getting shot."

"Makes so much more sense now."

We got to a case of field doctors' tools and John stared in, the first thing he'd taken pictures of in here.

"Blegh, can you imagine getting a leg lopped off with that?" I pointed to a bone saw.

"Super cool, right?"

"You are one sick puppy sometimes."

"No, it's just, I really like medicine. I told you I was going to be a doctor for a while right?"

"Well, I like medicine a lot, too. But I generally don't think of horrifying bone saws as, 'super cool.'"

"Whatever." He nudged me with a hip.

We quickly made it through that museum and decided it was time for food. I led him toward the French Quarter, only a mile walk, nothing for two New York transplants. I had a pretty good idea of where we at from looking at the map over breakfast.

"Alright, what's for lunch?"

He stared at the frenzy of people on the streets, not sure where to go, "I don't, um…"

I spotted a restaurant in one of the prettier buildings down the street and took charge, placing my hand on the small of John's back, guiding him there. We were seated and looked at the menu.

"Can you eat anything here?" I asked him in a hushed voice.

"I'll figure it out."

"Can you eat anywhere in this city?" I smirked at him.

"I mean… maybe? I'm not worried about it."

We ordered and had our drinks delivered, John's came decorated with fruit, much fancier than my rum and coke.

"Want a strawberry?" He held the berry out.

"Sure." I took it and ate a bite of the ripe drunken fruit, not realizing how hungry I was.

"Have you ever had crawfish?" He asked me.

"Nope, not a lot of fresh water in PR."

"It's really good. Me and Martha used to go down to a creek on our property and catch them in the summer, then our nanny would boil them up for us. Or when we got older we'd do it over a fire outside with friends and then you turn the pot out over newspaper and it's just a free for all." He smiled at the memory.

"You know, you could probably have some while we're here. I won't tell PETA."

He grinned at me, "promise?"

"Promise."

Our food came out, I tucked into my gumbo and watched John enjoy his salad and a side of mashed potatoes. _Industrious guy._

"How's your gumbo?" He asked.

"Really good. I actually remember mi abuela making something like this, but the meat was different."

"That's neat." John smiled.

"So what do you want to do tomorrow?"

"Figured we could go to the beach if you don't mind? Get it out of the way."

I smiled at him, "beach sounds great."

"Okay, if you're sure. I'll schedule the rental car."

"Rental car? Where are we going?"

"Little beach a couple of hours away. I get to take you on a road trip."

I grinned at him, remembering how much he likes to drive, no matter how terrifying it might be.

We finished our dinner and paid the bill.

"Want to go get stupid drunk with me?" I offered, relaxed by the two drinks I'd had with our meal.

"It's still early." He protested.

I checked the time, "it's already almost six, we did museums all day, and they all close at five."

"Alright, let's go get drunk. That's what you're supposed to do when you're in New Orleans."

We went deeper into the quarter, I lagged behind, staring up at the gorgeous buildings, like me, they were a little bit French, a little bit Spanish in a way that was all American, weathered and battered from storms, _from hurricanes_. Beautiful ironworks on the second story balconies, decorated with flower baskets. Ornate shutters lined the plentiful windows on each building.

"You coming?" John asked, our arms pulled straight from my lagging, still connected by our hands.

"Yeah, sorry, just look at how beautiful all of these buildings are."

He backpedaled a few steps to me and could see what I saw, he lifted his camera and backed across the street without looking, eyes fixed to his viewfinder, I smirked at the recklessness that still bubbled below his surface.

He tucked the camera in his bag and joined me again.

"It's really beautiful down here." He smiled.

"It is, the French influence is crazy to see." I agreed.

"We should send a picture to Laf." He pulled out his phone and snapped a picture, sending it to the Frenchman.

We entered a bar, loud and grungy, stickers and posters adorned the wall, the bartender looked like he was missing from an '80s punk band from New Jersey, hair spiked into a mohawk, band shirt, bottle opener tucked into a sweatband on his forearm. We sidled up the bar and John ordered a beer, I stuck with my rum and coke.

"Got two for one hurricanes." The bartender suggested.

"The one I had with dinner was pretty good." John shrugged.

We ordered the brightly coloured drinks and paid. John sipped his.

"This one's a lot more koolaid-y." He commented.

"Well, it's also two for one and came out of a gatorade barrel." I remarked, taking a drink.

 _Oh, shit, these were easy to drink,_ enough rum to be effective, but John was right, it was like drinking koolaid. We were in three a piece before we realized, just talking about the day and the things that we'd seen. Outside the bar grew louder than inside. We tabbed out and left the bar, the streets were filled with people, a jazz band played in the middle of the road, either end of the block was blocked off by police, people danced and beads were flung.

"It's Sunday night!" John yelled over the band.

"But it's New Orleans."

He swayed in time to the music, leaning into me, I gripped his hip, jerking him back against me.

"So fucking sexy." I growled right into his ear.

He shivered against me and rolled his hips back. I closed my eyes and took his hair in my fist, kissing along the nape of his neck, salty and damp with sweat. I grazed my teeth along his shoulder. We kept swaying, dancing, in the street to the brassy zydeco band. The noise and the hordes of people, just as drunk as us gave us anonymity. He turned in my arms and thrust his leg between my own, pressing his thigh against my crotch, giving me blessed friction to rut against as he leaned down to kiss me. The world felt black and heavy, the noise of the street drowned out by the taste of rum on John's mouth.

"Take me home." He whimpered into my ear.

"Done. Want a drink for the road?" I steadied him against me and he nodded.

We drank more fruity rum on the way to the bus stop, my arm around John, keeping us both steady and upright, he wedged his hand in my back pocket, squeezing my ass through the fabric. We rode the bus to the streetcar and found our hotel. We rode the elevator to our floor and found our room. I shoved him down on the bed and kissed him roughly. Clothing was torn off roughly, an act of desperation, both of our bodies were slick with sweat from the heat outside. I nipped at his jaw, inhaling his scent deeply, my cock twitched at the familiarity.

He was moaning beneath me, his eyes shut, head tipped back. I kissed along his throat where he exposed it.

"I want it." He cried.

"I know you do. So dirty for me." I tugged his hair.

"All for you, Alex."

I readied him, the alcohol loosening his tensity, making it easy work to relax him.

"You feeling good?" I asked him, three fingers seated inside him.

"So good. Can I ride you?"

"Oh, of course you can. You are dirty for me." I pulled my fingers free and scooted up the bed.

He straddled me, weight balanced on all fours, he sat up, one hand splayed on his chest, the other on my cock, guiding me home. Our groans mingled as he sat hard on me, our hips meeting. The sensation and the drinks made my head spin. Neither of us spoke, communicating only in facial expressions and guttural sounds. I squeezed his thighs as he rocked his hips, I watched his untouched cock bob with his movements, pre leaking from it. I raked my hands over his stomach and took him in hand. He bounced, up and down, fast, the dueling sensations rushing him to the cliffs. He bent over me and kissed me softly, complete contrast to the actions of the lower half of his body, perfectly _John._ He cupped my face and brushed my hair back. We came in tandem, he lie over me, both of us panting.

He lifted himself off of me and stood, the sound of his knee popping didn't escape me, I'd become hyper aware to it since he'd told me.

He noticed the face I made as he cleaned himself up with a baby wipe and flopped into bed next to me again.

"I'm fine." He reassured me.

"But that sound." I wrapped him up in my arms, neither of us caring how sticky and sweaty we still were, deciding it was just a part of being in the subtropical environment.

"It's just a sound, see, I can make it happen," He stuck his leg out straight in the air and turned his ankle from side to side, eliciting little clicks that become full fledged pops when he hinged the joint, "doesn't hurt, really. I mean it's a little stiff after walking all day, but I took Aleve earlier like the old man I am. Nothing down here can make it hurt as much as a New York winter."

"I, ugh, that sound, it just _sounds_ so painful."

"I'm okay, babe, really." He snuggled against me.

I closed my eyes and felt him press a kiss to my lips and I breathed out long and slow, close to sleep, "...that ass put a man to sleep. Night, queri...do…."

Sun spilled through the open curtains like it was on a crusade to hurt me. John was stroking my hair. I blinked against the sun and looked at him. He had two cups waiting for me, one of water and one of shitty hotel room coffee. I swung my legs over the side of the bed and found a sense of gravity, my head pounded. I took the water that John handed me as well as the pills he'd had tucked up in his palm, I swallowed them, not sure of the quantity or contents. Sipped the rest of the water and took the cup of coffee, the aroma having the effect of smelling salts to an unconscious man, making me slightly more alert.

John was fine, bouncing around, t-shirt and shorts already on, must have showered, his damp hair pulled high in a messy bun, short little curls already falling from it around his face and the nape of his neck, water darkening the collar of his shirt.

"You seem fine." I said, almost resentfully.

"That's because I drink water… every single day."

I leaned farther forward, bracing my forehead in my hand, "always knew a fucking hurricane would kill me, just thought it wouldn't taste so damn good."

He sat beside me and rubbed my shoulders, "poor, baby. You can sleep the whole car ride, but we've gotta get going and pick up the car from the airport."

I took a deep breath and stretched, testing all of my limbs and slugged back the coffee in two gulps. I dressed in a t-shirt and shorts and grabbed my book and sunglasses.

"Alright," I cleared my throat, "let's go."

John gave me a sympathetic look and we were off. On the streetcar I leaned against him with my eyes shut, even with sunglasses the world was too fucking bright.

"I'm sorry you're so hungover, love. You usually fare so much better than me. It was fun to see you cut loose, though. I figure once we get closer, let you sleep for an hour or two we can stop at Target or Walmart or something and get you some trunks and towels and snacks and all that. Sound good."

I nodded against his chest and earned a sympathetic giggle from him as he rubbed his hand over my back.


	24. Chapter 24

**Big chapter for our Alex, poor guy. It's worth it in the end, though. Hope you guys all enjoy. Thank you so much for the continued support, I say it every chapter, I know. But, really, it does mean the world to me, I'm so fortunate to have such great fans that chat with me and write heartfelt reviews on each chapter. You guys are amazing... Shadow, I love that you picked up each of the threads of reference I laid down in the previous chapter, I always hope that my readers will find them and you do time and time again. See y'all soon!**

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I woke up as I felt the car slow on an off ramp and sat up, uncurling myself from fetal position and pulled the lever to sit the seat back up. I took off my sunglasses and rubbed my face. John held the steering wheel loosely, one hand still on my leg, drumming along to the music he was listening to. A campy imitation of the music we'd danced to played by the band in the street last night.

"Hi, sleepyhead." He giggled, flicking on his blinker.

I cleared my throat and sniffed, trying to regain some humanity, "what _are_ you listening to?"

"Princess and the Frog." He said, pleased with himself.

"The what?"

He let out an exasperated noise, "The Princess and the Frog. Disney movie from like ten years ago?"

"Sure… Whatever you say. Why?"

"Because it takes places in New Orleans, I mean, I have to listen to it while we're down here, right?"

"I guess. Oh… Wait… I've heard you singing this song before… when you're cooking, I mean you sing all the time when you're cooking, but I recognize this."

He held a hand up between us, "that is because when I'm cooking I'm imagining that I am Tiana in her restaurant and I am running the damn show."

"I think that's the gayest thing you've ever done."

"What?" He whined.

"You gave me the 'talk to the hand' over a Disney movie in regards to a scenario in which you pretend to be the princess."

"Pretend? Bitch, I am a princess."

I rolled my eyes at him and looked around outside, he pulled up to a Target, the large freestanding building a shock to my system.

"It's just in the middle of nowhere… well nowhere and McDonald's."

"That's the south for you, okay game plan, get in, get out, we need towels, an umbrella, I've got the sunblock, you need something to wear, and drinks and snacks."

He parked the car and we got out, "towels, umbrella, trunks, drinks, snacks." I repeated.

"Good."

The shopping trip was easy and were were loaded down with everything that we could hope to have for the day. The ride to the beach only took another twenty minutes of John singing along to Disney showtunes. I shook my head at him.

"How much worse are you going to be when we actually have a baby?" I asked lightheartedly.

"So much worse." He laughed.

"Oh, boy. Can't wait." _I really can't._

We paid the parking fee at the little hut and found parking, it was almost empty. John sprayed us both down with sunscreen and we hauled all of our stuff across the white sand to the beach.

"Look!" John exclaimed.

"Yup. It's the ocean. Still there, you know we have one of these back home, too, right? Also, we're only here for one day, maybe we brought too much shit?"

"Nonsense. We brought everything we need to be comfortable."

We found a spot and claimed it, laying out our towels and propping open the umbrella. It wasn't quite a big enough umbrella for the beach, more an oversized regular umbrella, but leaned down into the sand it provided enough shade to have our faces and chests covered. I lie under the umbrella on my towel, took my shirt off and balled it up under my head, and drew out my book.

"You want to come get in the water?" John offered, stripping down to his bathing suit, cut like his boxer briefs, navy in colour, clinging to all the right parts of him.

"Nah, I'm good. Go have fun." I started my book and he went down to the water's edge.

I watched him swim in between turning pages, his body long and lean, confident in the water, made for swimming. He returned when I was a few chapters in, his hair pulled straight from the water. I was already a quarter of the way through the fifth of rum we bought.

"Nothing like hair of the dog, huh?" He teased, taking his own drink of it.

"Hey, that nap I took on the way out here was glorious. I'm right as rain now."

"Aren't you hot?"

"Did you forget where I grew up? This is plenty comfortable."

"How's your book?"

"It's pretty good."

John sprayed himself down with more sunscreen and pulled his phone out, on Instagram.

"Hey, look! Theodosia had her baby, a little girl." He showed me the screen.

"Oh, wow. That's neat," I looked through the pictures, one of the three of them in a hospital bed, another just of the baby, "damn, it's like looking at Aaron."

"It's the eyes, she totally has his eyes."

"What's her name?"

"Theodosia, like her mom."

"That's a rough name."

"It's not great."

"Hey, what are we going to do about last names?"

He answered a little too quickly, "Hamilton. Let Laurens die out with me, my brothers can keep it alive if they want to, that name's no good to me."

I nodded and brushed his damp arm with my finger, "okay. We can give them my name."

John grinned at me and rolled onto his stomach, still on his phone. He fell asleep without me realizing. I got through a few more chapters of my book and wanted to stretch. I left John sleeping and got up to go for a walk.

I edged just to the fingers of the waves, staying on dry sand. Wringing my hands, I walked along a secluded sandbar staring down at my feet, losing sight and sound of any other beachgoers. I made it to the end where the sand dipped below the water and sat down, dipping only my toes into the ocean, knees tucked up to my chest, arms hugging them. I stared and stared, scowling at the water.

"I hate you." I told it, quietly, but it heard me all the same.

The waves lapped, a gentle lull, the sound of power, it didn't care.

"You ruined my whole fucking life. Every bit of it. You almost killed me, you killed my mother. I fucking hate you. How can you do that? Destroy homes and families. Reckless, mindless power? Just destroy everything, run lives? My life..."

The tide rolled higher, water covering my feet as the waves reached for the sand. I felt that I was crying but couldn't make myself care.

"You took everything away from me. My mother, my family, my home. Almost fucking killed me, but you couldn't, I couldn't drown, sent pestilence for me, but that wasn't enough to kill me, either. Maybe you took my mother away and my whole goddamn life, but not me, you couldn't make me die, motherfucker."

I took inventory of my life, _No hurricane, no America. No America, no John. No Eliza. No Hercules and Lafayette, no Aaron and Theodosia, no Columbia, no law school._

Everything happens for a reason, _paciencia y fe,_ no mistakes.

I stared into the water and let the memories lick at my mind the way the waves lapped at my feet, I could hear my mother's voice in my mind, feel her arms around me.

"Why are you sick, mami?" My voice was so small, so sad, I longed to hold and comfort the child that was.

"I don't know, Alex, love." She held me, she sounded scared.

"Will you get better?"

"I hope so, but we don't know. We can't know, but everything happens for a reason, God doesn't make mistakes."

"I'm scared, mami. The doctors will give you new kidneys, right? Ones that aren't broken? Ones that work?"

"I hope so, _paciencia y fe_ , Alexander."

"I don't want to be patient, mami!"

Her smile, so big, taking up so much of her face, the feeling of her kiss on top my head as she held me to her, "you never do."

I came back to the present, letting the gulls and wind and waves dispel the memories and drug my hand across my face and sniffled hard. I rocked onto my feet, still crouched and gritted my teeth, "fuck you," I told the ocean and arched my hands over my head, fingers steepling and dove into the water off the deep side of the sandbar.

The ocean welcomed me home, the weightlessness that came from being submerged hiccuping panic in me. I scrambled, flailing in the water, panicking for a moment. I hated it on my face. _This isn't drowning. This isn't drowning. This isn't drowning._ I came up for air and dove back down, feeling calmer, the muscle memory of years spent in water took over and I settled into a front stroke, pulling myself though the water, the salty taste so reminiscent of home.

I swam back down the beach to where we'd set up and walked out of the water. John was sitting up, his hand a visor over his eyes, watching me, his grin evident even from twenty yards.

"You swam!" He cheered when I got close enough.

"I did." I squeezed out my hair onto the sand, loathing the dripping down my spine.

"You're really good at swimming."

"Grew up on an island, you never forget how to swim when you do it every day."

"But you were so little when you left."

"Some things just get ingrained in you."

I sat on my towel beside him and lie back, he welcomed me into his arms, the dry ocean water made him sticky.

"I can't believe you swam."

"Better face my fears, right? I was afraid of you and look how that turned out."

He grinned at me and pressed a kiss to my cheek. I retrieved my book and kept reading, he read over my shoulder, no concept of the plot as I was a third of the way into the book already.

"I'm hot, come splash with me?" He offered.

"Just for a little bit."

He nodded and we walked to the water, we waded in until it came to my chest.

"You good?" he asked.

"I'm okay." _I am okay. I am safe. The water is calm._

"I would have never known you could swim like that. I woke up and you were gone, never imagined I'd look out and see you just gliding through the ocean like some sort of sea creature."

"I know I play the 'jaded New Yorker' role well, but I'm an islander at heart."

 _Still not drowning. Safe. Safe. Safe._

"You're beautiful in the water, look at you, glistening." He waded to me and plunged his hands into my tangle of wet hair and kissed me.

I planted myself to him, arms wrapped around him, returning his kiss where we stood in the water.

"You need more sunscreen." I told him, looking at how pink his cheeks were.

"Your cheeks look a little red," he observed.

"I'm not worried about it."

We waded out a little farther and my feet lost purchase thrusting me into the depth, my limbs flapped, trying to find sand where the ocean floor dropped off. I gulped a swallow of ocean - _I'm drowning, this is drowning -_ and started to panic. _You can swim. You can swim. You can swim._ I calmed down and treaded water, spat the ocean water from my mouth. Coughing and closing my eyes against the sting of the salt, John was still standing behind me, right on the ledge. I moved back over to him, clinging more tightly than my pride would ever allow me to admit out loud. He rubbed my back under the water.

"You okay?"

"It just gets really deep right there all of a sudden."

I let go of him and straightened myself out, trying to repossess a shred of dignity.

"We can go back to the beach."

"I'm fine." I told him, convincing us both.

We stayed shallower and waded back toward the beach, looking for shells and curiosities. He proudly handed each nice shell he found to me and tossed the _imperfect_ ones back in the sea.

"Hey, look, a crab!" I put my hand on his back and pointed, guiding his line of sight to the little crab burrowing in the sand up the beach fifteen feet.

"He's so cool! He's so cool, Alex." John leaned to see him better.

"Go look at him." I patted his rear to encourage him to go make friends with the crustacean.

"I don't want to scare him, he's just doing his thing, but he's so neat."

We gathered a few more shells until the pockets of my trunks were full and went back to our umbrella. I gulped at our rum, _it's been a big fucking day for me, take the edge off,_ put more sunscreen on John's back for him and under my eyes and retrieved my book before we sat in the edge of the surf. I sat between his legs, back against his chest, elbows on either of his his thighs and read. He alternated between playing with my hair and doodling in the sand, the water coursed over our legs and I occasionally had to move my book to keep it dry from a particularly aggressive wave, the air was wet and despite all my attempts my book grew damp and swollen. I kept reading, by this point almost done with it.

I closed my book once I'd reached the far cover and looked back at John who was staring out at the sun, just starting to dip below the clouds, his tongue flicked out between his teeth, like when he was concentrating, eyes focused.

"What are you doing, amante?"

"Trying to remember this. Want to draw it later."

"Should have brought your sketchbook."

"Didn't want it to get ruined," he looked pointedly at my book, "you hold it so damned close to your face, we're getting your eyes checked."

"No, I don't," I argued on the losing side, "it was just really sunny."

"Sunny?" he giggled, "that's your best case, lawyer-man?"

He flipped to a page and held it out as far as his arm could reach.

"What are you doing?" I protested.

"Read." He instructed.

I leaned forward to see the text and he pressed his hand, fingers spread, on the breadth of my chest and pulled me back to him.

"Read from here." He clarified.

I craned my neck forward and willed the pages to move into clarity, but was never one to give up a challenge, I tried anyway, eyes squinted, shut one, then the other. He interrupted me by reading the first paragraph on the page without any trouble from even further away.

"Fine. I'll go to the doctor."

"You read and write too much to not take care of your eyes." He kissed my head and set my book back down where I had.

"Sun's starting to set, they're gonna kick us out soon, one more dip then you want to get out of here?"

"Sounds good. You up for it?"

I nodded and moved my book back with our stuff. I caught sight of his shoulders on the way back and poked the flesh there with my finger, watching it go white and sink slowly back to red.

"You're gonna hurt later." I told him.

"That bad?" He whined.

"Oh yeah."

"But I put on sunblock."

"Yup. Not enough I guess. Worse on your back, I guess from when you took your nap."

We went for one last swim together, I actually swam in earnest this time and then we packed up our things and headed back for the car.

"What do we do with this junk?" I asked.

"I dunno, get back to the hotel and figure it out from there." He got in the driver's seat and I took my own place and pulled open the mirror on the visor, looking at my cheeks, finding myself darker than I'd been in years, just a kiss of red under my eyes.

John settled us on the highway and I watched him wince.

"You alright?" I tucked a curl behind his ear, the salt in the ocean making his hair look more beautiful than I'd ever seen it.

"Sunburn."

"Let's stop and get you some lotion or aloe or something."

"Usually I'd fight you, but holy shit this hurts. Are you burned?"

"Little on my cheeks."

He looked at me in the dying light, "damn, you're like Laf dark."

"Islander." I reminded him.

"Seriously, you just tan like that?"

"Yeah, my skin's used to it, made for it. Should have seen me as a kid when I still lived there, playing outside all the time, I was dark."

"Do you… do you have any pictures?"

"A couple."

"Show me sometime?"

"I will."

"Ugh, it's not fair, I'm Puerto Rican, too."

"And white." I chuckled.

"Not anymore, now I'm just boricua de langosta."

I laughed at this, "you're a cute lobster, though. A sexy lobster even."

"Ugh, no sex. Hurt too much for sex, maybe beer and food, though."

"Done. I bet after a cool shower, some food, I rub some aloe on you, you'll feel worlds better."

"Hope so." He sighed.


	25. Chapter 25

**Phew, I've - well, at this point, _we've_ \- waited a long time for this chapter. Paggers and Shadow, thank you so much for your kindess. I-Am-A-Philip, your reviews are always so sweet and endearing, I hope that whatever is going on in your world gets calmer soon. I am so happy to be even the tiniest pinprick bright spot for you. I hope that this chapter is everything you guys were hoping for. Thank you so much for the support, I can't wait to see your thoughts on this one!**

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The rest of our week in New Orleans passed in a blur of drinking and celebrating and spoiling each other. We spent our days exploring and falling in love with the city - and more in love with each other - and the evenings with me slathering John with aftersun lotion, he finally felt up for more and I savoured every opportunity.

We were both ready to get home and back to real life. It was our first full day back in New York and we were both still weary from traveling. John lie on the couch after his shower, playing on his phone, in only his underwear. I sat on his backside and rubbed away the peeling layer of skin from his shoulders, picking at it. He was darker now, nothing in comparison to me, but the red sunburn had faded away into brown leaving him sunkissed and tan except for the pale sock line on his ankle and the chunk of skin on his right wrist where he kept his camera strap wrapped over, both amused me.

"What are you doing?" he asked, wiggling underneath me as I tore off more of the dead and peeling skin.

"I'm peeling you like a snake." I tore away more of the dead skin.

"You're so gross. Why are you doing that? That's gross. I'm gross. Stop," he whined.

"It's weirdly satisfying." I lie down on top of him and watched him scroll Instagram for a while, picking at the skin further down his arm, lips occasionally pressing a lazy kiss to his neck.

"Do you want me to move? I don't want to hurt you." I offered.

"No, you're comfy. I love having you close. Like my blanket."

I napped without realizing it, he rocked side to side to rouse me, a sense of urgency, "'Lex, phone! Your phone, babe."

I reached out for my ringing phone, still staying on top of him, it was Eliza, "hey, Betsey, what's up?"

"Alex, what are you doing right now?" her voice was all business.

"We're just at home, why?" I yawned and stretched, wrapping an arm around John's neck and nuzzling back into him.

"I need you guys to come to Kings County Hospital down in Brooklyn," she pulled the phone away and mumbled something to someone else, "we've got a baby that needs placement, he's six months old... Weirdest thing he looks just like John."

I bolted up, stumbling off of him, "on our way! You're the best! Holy shit, uh, wow, te amo, we love you!"

I hung up, and stepped into my loafers, "baby! Baby, John, we have to go meet our baby!'

He bounded up and fled to the bedroom to get dressed, "holy shit!"

"Rápido vamos!" I snapped my fingers, "vamos! Got a baby, come on!"

He reappeared from the bedroom, hopping on one foot, yanking on his converse and pecked a kiss on my cheek, "time to meet our baby."

We hailed a cab for the quickest route and beamed at each other, holding hands for the duration of the half hour taxi ride. The ride stretched on in my mind, just eager to finally be there, to be a dad, _a long time coming._ At the hospital I called Eliza and she gave us the room number. We took the elevator and found the room, she held a baby, an IV taped against his foot, he was _so_ small, a little plume of curls almost the colour of John's, wrapped in a blanket.

"Hey, you guys." Eliza smiled.

"Hi, Betsey." I returned her smile and stared at the baby.

"Wanna hold him?" She asked us.

John nodded, his eyes filling with tears. She passed him the baby.

"What's his name?" he kissed the baby's forehead, tears spilling over his cheeks.

I traced the baby's nose, he was beautiful.

Eliza looked at me and shook her head, unbelieving of life's irony, "Philip."

"No kidding?" I chuckled.

"Nope," she giggled, "wanna come get some paperwork done with me?"

I followed her into a small room where another woman sat over paperwork, she stood to greet me and she and Eliza explained the foster to adoption process.

I signed a book's worth of paper and we went back to the hospital room where John sat and he handed the baby… Philip, to me to go sign his share of paperwork. I sat in the rocking chair. Philip was freed from the IV now.

"Alright, give it to me, straight, Betsey. What's he up against?"

She tucked the swaddled blanket around his face and squeezed his shoulder, "it wasn't good. Neighbours called the cops because they heard him screaming and crying. Found mom overdosed, she didn't make it, no dad, no next of kin, should be pretty open and shut. His blood work is clean but he's small, only in the twentieth percentile. Doctors say he will be just fine with enough love and food. Had him on fluids all day, but you can take him home tonight."

"Jesus, life moves fast, we only got home last night."

"God works in mysterious ways."

"Everything happens for a reason." I agreed.

"It's crazy how much he looks like John."

"Insane. He even has little freckles." I shook my head and the baby shifted in my arms, opened his little mouth and squeezed his eyes and shrieked.

"No, no, shh, you're okay, baby, shh, I've got you."

He cried and I rocked him gently, trying to calm him.

"He cries a lot, Alex. We don't think he's ever been cared for. It's how he communicates, he'll acclimate once he bonds and feels safe. It's like he's a newborn. Lots of crying, lots of sleeping. He's a little bit behind developmentally, but we're all sure he'll catch up. He's scrappy."

He calmed down and John came back, "alright, signed our lives away," he rubbed Philip's head.

"Alright, let me show you how to fix his bottles, just a couple things to go over, help you feel more confident." The nurse took me into a room off the nursery and showed me the formula to water ratio and a couple of other things like swaddling and diapering.

I went back into the room with John and Philip, the lights were dimmed and Eliza sat on the edge of the bed, talking to John, "time to take our baby home,"

"How?" He asked.

"We've got a carrier for you." Eliza reassured him.

I blew out a breath. We strapped him into the carrier and Eliza hugged us both and gave us a bag with cans of formula to get us through the night and next few days.

"I'm so happy for you, Alex," her eyes were shimmering.

"Come see us soon." John put a hand on her arm.

"Remember, skin to skin, couple days alone with him. Come as soon as he cries and he'll bond quicker. Talk to him all the time so he gets used to you. Home visit will be set up in a week."

John held the carrier and I held his hand as we walked into the night. Philip cried when we were confronted by the noise of the street. John held the carrier up and let me get him out.

I held the baby close and we got on the subway. It was noisy, he fussed and John and I worked quickly to hush him.

"This is our baby." John sighed, a dopey grin on his face.

We got to our door and I unlocked it, "our baby."

"Welcome home, baby." John grinned.

He was crying again, I sighed, already hating the desperation in the sound and wanting to do anything in my power to make it stop, "I'll make him a bottle."

I fixed the bottle like the nurse had shown me, making note of the time - it was just after eleven at night - and brought it back to John.

"Wanna go snuggle up in bed with him?" John asked.

I smiled, "sure, let's go."

I shed my shirt and John handed me the baby and the bottle and tucked the blankets around us before taking off his own shirt. I unswaddled Philip worked one handed to remove his onesie, leaving him diapered only and held him against my chest, his little body was so warm. He made snuffling sounds as he ate and looked up into my eyes. John climbed in bed next to us and I leaned into his side, he stared at the baby.

I looked up at John, he was crying again.

"You okay, querido?"

"I just... it's everything, our dreams all came true… watching you with him, I can't… I just…"

"I know." I kissed him, tears pricking my own eyes.

"No one knows yet," he remarked.

I swayed side to side, watching Philip eat, "wanna call Laf? Bet they're up."

"No. Tonight's all for us."

Philip emptied the bottle and kept staring at me, "you want him?"

John nodded and I handed Philip to him, he held him on his stomach against his chest and patted his back, Philip grabbed a tangle of John's hair and pulled. John smiled and liberated his hair as Philip fell asleep.

"This is my baby. This is our baby." He whispered, grin crinkling his eyes.

"Our baby."

He leaned around Philip's head and kissed me. I kissed him back, tasting his lip. Philip smacked his mouth and moved his hand up higher on John's chest, grasping and scratching. John giggled against my mouth. We broke our kiss and I rubbed the baby's back.

"Look at his little fingernails." John cooed.

I brushed a curl behind John's ear, "I love you," I said to both of them.

We both fell asleep sitting up, Philip on John's chest, only waking to his cries.

"I'm up," John panted, "oh, baby, you're okay, daddy's gotcha. Daddy's gotcha, baby."

I rubbed Philip's back and got out of bed, "get him a bottle."

I brought back the bottle, 2:30 in the morning and handed it to John.

"Diaper." He told me.

I went back to the kitchen and got a diaper out of the bag from the hospital and stopped by the nursery to get the basket for diaper changes and returned to the bedroom. We changed him on the bed, he moved so much, never ceasing his shrieking and flailed about, red in the face, eyes squeezed shut, little hands fisted.

"Oh, baby, it's okay." I whispered to him, his breathing came in quick, little gasps.

"Take him? I gotta pee." John picked up the dirty diaper.

I held Philip and settled back in bed, looking down over at him, he stared into my eyes, I stared right back, "hi, baby, I'm so excited I get to be your papi, me and your daddy have wanted you so long, so bad. I'm so sorry things were so bad for you, things were bad for me once, too, but your daddy's really good about helping put pieces back together, me and him, we'll put yours back together, too."

He reached up and patted against my chin, running his little hand over the scruff of hair. I kissed his little fingers and John returned.

"How are my guys?" He leaned against the doorframe and sauntered into the bedroom.

"We're better, diaper helped. You want to feed him? I got to last time."

He nodded, little grin creeping on his face and took the baby from me and popped the bottle in his mouth, "there you go, what was your papi telling you? He's gonna tell you all sorts of things, make you fall in love with him, it's impossible not to love your papi, I love him so much. We both love you already with all our hearts."

I lay my head on John's hip and stared up at them, Philip's little feet kicked while he ate, I ran my finger over them, noting the little purple spot where the IV'd been. I fell back asleep on John's leg, knees tucked up to my chest.


	26. Chapter 26

**I'm having just the worst time concentrating on anything that isn't baby Philip, so here's some fluff. You're welcome. I'm glad that you were all so happy to meet him! I love finally seeing John and Alex as parents. Y'all, thank you so much for the reviews, they mean a lot. I hope you enjoy this chapter, got another few in the works before we move on to part three of the series. I may never stop writing this AU. I'm rather in love with it.**

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Philip stopped crying and I nuzzled back in to John. He was somehow less exhausted than I was despite my ability to forgo sleep at will. It was after seven, we'd both already called off of work.

"I guess we stay up now, right?" John sighed.

"Guess so," I drank the cup of coffee that had been on my side table since five.

"Can we call Laf? We need to start telling people, or else we'll get a bunch of shit."

"Sure."

He picked up his phone and dialed Laf on Skype and he answered after a solid two minutes of ringing, John held the camera so that only he and I were visible.

"What's wrong, Jack?" Lafayette was in his bed, hair a mess around his face and bare shoulders, satin sheets behind him, squinting, not unlike me. He reached to his side table and put on his glasses, looking at us more clearly.

"Nothing, got someone for you to meet." John smirked.

"What?" Lafayette blinked sleep away and licked his lips sleep-parched.

John tilted the phone down to my arms, where Philip lie, looking around.

Lafayette screamed through the phone, startling Philip who flailed in my arms, I hushed him before he even had a chance to cry.

"We want you to meet Philip." John smiled proudly.

"Morning, Laf." I beamed

"Oh, mon dieu. He is everything, he is so beautiful! ...John… he looks like you!"

"A little bit. Weird, huh?"

"When can I meet him?"

John and I looked at each other, "they said to give us a few days to bond."

I whispered to John, "we had last night, if Lafayette's going to watch him when we go back to work, he should know him, too."

"Whenever." John yawned, it was contagious.

"But bring breakfast." I laughed through my yawn.

The call disconnected and John giggled.

"Didn't even say 'bye.'" I shook my head.

"He'll be here by eight, watch, let's get up."

"Okay, I'm just going to hold him until you get back."

John kissed my head and then Philip's and got up, Philip gurgled and worked up a cry, I hushed him, promising that John would be back when he disappeared into the closet. I was awoken again - not realizing I'd fallen asleep - this time by John, now dressed in casual clothes, offering to take the baby so that I could get dressed, he cried at being passed off. I dressed myself, opting for the hoodie and sweatpants combo that offered maximum comfort and stepped in the bathroom to wash my face and try to feel more human after our night of broken sleep.

"We don't have any clothes." John stared at me, his eyes wide.

"Fuck… Uh, I guess put him in his onesie again and we'll go and get some later."

He nodded and dressed the baby, in the living room we heard Lafayette let himself in and the sound of crinkling bags being set down. We took the baby down the hall and Lafayette squealed, handing me the coffee in his hands and washing them quickly in the sink.

"Can I?" he held his arms out straight.

John passed Philip into his arms and Lafayette cooed at him, "bienvenue, poupon."

I smiled at his greeting and drank the coffee he'd given me. John was rummaging through the bags and pulled out pancakes and eggs.

"You really brought us breakfast?" I smiled.

"Of course. Anything you asked for, I would bring from the ends of the Earth. Look at him! He is called Philip, yes?"

I nodded.

"Bonjour, Philip. I am your new uncle, I am Lafayette, I love you so much."

Philip looked around, starting to work himself up and saw John and calmed down, he turned his head the other way and saw me and relaxed further in Lafayette's arms. _He recognized us, sought us out and recognized us already. My boy is smart._

"Babe, come eat, Laf's got him." John said, sitting on the couch, balancing his plate.

I took a box and sat next to John, leaning my head against him, feeling too tired to even be interested in food, but I poked at a waffle anyway.

Lafayette was bouncing Philip and babbling an old French lullaby that sounded vaguely familiar, he fell back asleep in his arms.

"Should we try the crib?" John asked me.

"I guess it wouldn't hurt, just leave the door open so we hear him?"

"I think it should be okay, right?"

"Yeah," I started to stand and John stood first, "no, you eat, I've got him."

Philip moved restlessly as John took him back from Lafayette and John comforted him, carrying him down the hall to the nursery, he clicked on the monitor and I heard him cooing to the baby as he lay him in his crib. John returned with a smile and sat back down between Lafayette and I on the couch. I managed to calm down enough to find eating appealing and listened to John tell Lafayette about last night and about Philip. I interjected a few times for clarity and took our takeout boxes to the kitchen when we were both done eating. Lafayette was still listening intently.

"Who else have you told so far?" He asked.

"No one," John shook his head, "just you."

Lafayette grinned, "he really is perfect."

"We've got some hurdles to get over, but he's all I've ever wanted." I couldn't stop smiling.

"We need clothes." John remembered.

"Let's go, then!" Lafayette stood up.

"Can't, baby is sleeping." John reminded him.

"Oh, right." Lafayette pursed his lips, brainstorming.

"John, why don't Philip and I stay here? You guys go. I hate shopping anyway."

"Are you sure?"

I shrugged, "yeah, of course. Go get our poor baby something to wear. Let Lafayette get a headstart at spoiling him. He's still in three month clothes."

John sighed and made a face, "he's so little."

"How old is he?" Lafayette asked.

"Six months, but it's okay, querido, we'll fatten him up in no time, babies are made to grow."

John nodded and tried not to look too perturbed.

They left and I snuck into the nursery and watched Philip sleeping so peacefully. I wondered how many nights he'd slept alone like this and stripped off my hoodie before I picked him up, he moved his head back and forth deciding whether or not to cry. I consoled him and moved back to the living room where I covered us with the throw blanket from the back of the couch. He curled into my chest like it was crafted just for him and slept hard. I wrapped my arms around him and fell back asleep, too.

Lafayette and John were back by the time I woke up, Philip still sleeping on me. John's camera sat on the coffee table.

"Really?" I hissed, seeing the camera, I rolled my eyes at him.

He shrugged, "it's the quintessential sleeping on dad picture. I had to, you'll thank me someday."

"It's very endearing, Alexander." Lafayette agreed.

Lafayette hugged John and came over to stroke the back of Philip's head, I offered out my hand for him to shake without disturbing the baby.

"Thanks for everything, Laf."

"Of course, mon ami, I am only a phone call away."

John walked Lafayette out and came back, picked my legs up, sat on the couch and draped my legs over his lap, squeezing my shins.

"How was shopping? You max out all the credit cards?" I whispered.

"No… Laf might have, he went a little crazy with 'uncle duty,'"

"Nothing wrong with having a loved baby."

"Shit, I have to call my sister." He remembered and reached in his pocket for his phone.

I traced Philip's brow bone and nose, the bow of his lips, he turned his head side to side in annoyance to get away from me and stretched out flat, his little legs vibrating with the intensity of the stretch and his mouth a perfect circle in a yawn, he blinked at me.

I rubbed his back, "hi, baby, did I mess with you too much? Daddy's calling more people who are going to love you. You're going to have so much love you won't even know what to do with it."

Martha answered and I passed the baby to John, she squealed in delight. I kissed the top of John's head and went to take a shower, needing a minute to myself. I stood under the spray and let everything sink in, my life had changed so much, so quickly that it gave me vertigo. I toweled off and dressed myself, joining my two favourite people in the world back in the living room. They were on the floor on the throw blanket, a crinkling toy in between them, John resting on his elbows, Philip was working very hard to keep his head up and find a way to get the toy to his mouth.

"Look, your papi's back!" John pointed at me.

"Hi, baby." I waved and Philip raised a hand out towards me and lost his balance rolling onto his back he started to fuss.

"Can he roll over?" I asked John who shrugged his response.

"I don't know."

I lie down across from John and picked up the toy crinkling it out of his reach, "you want to come get this?"

Philip trained his attention to the toy and kicked his feet, making it a quarter of the way before flopping back down, I crinkled the toy and he tried again, rolling onto his belly he reached for the toy and I gave it to him, John and I both cheering.

Philip played with his toy by himself and grew tired of it, staring at the corner of the room, totally content.

"You notice how much he does that? He did it while you were sleeping last night." John knit his brows together and tucked his hair behind his ear.

Philip sucked on his own fingers, still just looking at the wall.

"I don't think anyone ever really looked back at him, sounds like this is the most attention he's ever had, makes good eye contact though, looks at us both when we feed him, he's pretty used to being alone, though. That's what Eliza was saying.

John shut his eyes, tears streaming down his face, "who could do that?" he whispered, chin quivering.

"People that don't get to be his parents." I scooched over and put an arm around him and wiped his eyes with my free hand.

John squeezed Philip's little foot and sniffed, "I'm glad we get to be his parents. We'll take care of him."

"We sure will. You want to go take a nap? You seem like maybe a nap would do you some good."

"Do you mind?" He leaned against me.

"No, we got to take one earlier, go rest."

He nodded and got off the floor, his knee pop never escaping me now, no matter how quiet.

"You and me, kid. You still digging this whole 'tummy time' thing? Have to get those neck muscles strong, hold up your big brain. You think maybe we should read? I haven't gotten to read to you yet. Now, your daddy's going to think we should stick to Chicka Chicka Boom Boom and Love You Forever, and okay, we both agree on Where the Wild Things Are, but let's get to the good stuff that your daddy won't read you," I got up and went over to my bookshelf, pulling one of the thicker books down, and went back to the floor with Philip and opened the book, "this is Bulfinch's Mythology, it's even older than papi, written in the 1800's, can you believe that? Okay, how about Prometheus and Pandora, figure out how this world got turning."

I started reading, Philip stared at me, curious about my speaking to him in a low tone, evident that he wasn't used to it. Eventually, he rolled over and sat himself up to my surprise.

"Look at you, party tricks!" I reached for the camera on the coffee table and tried to find the on switch, Philip grew less steady and I opted to just take a picture with my phone instead.

I took Philip onto the couch and sat him upright in my lap, my feet kicked up on the table, book in front of us, I kept reading about Epimetheus creating animals. John padded back out from the bedroom and giggled a breathy laugh.

"That didn't take long." He mused.

"What?"

"For you to start reading one of your big books to the baby." He sat next to us.

"You don't need to be scared of big books, John." I rolled my eyes.

"They just take too long."

"Hey, he showed off some skills earlier." I produced my phone and showed John the picture of him sitting up.

"Whoa! Look at that!" He zoomed in the picture.

"Tried to figure out your camera since it was out, but it's got too many damned buttons for any man to understand. Couldn't even find the 'on' switch."

John picked up his camera, instinctively winding the strap over the untanned flesh of his wrist, "it's right here." He pointed below the shutter to a wheel marked, 'ON' 'OFF.'

"Oh… Well, whatever."

John snapped pictures of me reading to Philip and listened to the stories as well, at some point taking Philip into his arms and leaning against me while I read to them, content to hold my family. _One I didn't deserve, but somehow had nonetheless._


	27. Chapter 27

**Welcome back, thank you so much for sticking around. I am loving parenting John and Alexander. They are so fun to write as they navigate fatherhood. I hope you are enjoying it, too. Thank you for your support and reviews, it really is the highlight of my day seeing what you think of my work and the world these guys live in.**

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I set my bag down, collapsed into my rickety chair, everything in the office was rickety, rickety was homey, a nice change from the upscale world I'd married into. I looked down at my shirt, coffee down the left half, spit up on the right. A button askew down the length of the shirt. _Fuck me._ I unbuttoned it and quickly reworked the buttons, contemplating just shucking it off and working in my tank top. I decided against that, trying to maintain a shred of dignity. James and Thomas were outside, Thomas kissed James goodbye and walked off, he'd finally found a job and no longer spent his days lounging in the office. James walked in.

"Hamilton, what are you doing here?" He sighed and let out a small laugh.

"I'm uh, I'm working."

"No, you just had a baby, you're exhausted. We're an online publication, anything you can do here you can do there, go be with your family." He leaned against my desk.

"You're sure?"

"Yeah, you go to school, you work full time, I don't need a warm body here to know you're working."

"Thank-thank you, James."

I gathered my things back up and rode the subway back home, texting John to let him know I was heading home. I arrived and Lafayette was there, just drinking tea and reading a book, Philip still asleep in his crib.

"Alexander? Is everything okay? Philip hasn't even woken up yet."

"Yeah, uh, I get to work at home for awhile."

"That is wonderful, so you don't need me?" He looked hopeful.

"No, you can go." I hesitated, he'd been so eager to watch Philip.

"Hercules just told me he is coming home from Japan tonight and I need to-" his eyes twinkled darkly.

I cut him off, clapping him on the shoulder, "-y'know, Laf, I think there are somethings that it's better we don't know about each other and however that sentence ends is one of them."

He nodded and started to leave, before looking over his shoulder, "have you and John? ...since the baby?" He cocked his head side to side.

I screwed up my face, "I think this is one of those things we shouldn't know about each other… but, no… we haven't. Honestly, the most exciting thing about our bed this last week has been getting to sleep in it for more than two hours."

"Make him dinner. Works every time." He winked at me.

"I'll take that under advisement. Tell Hercules 'hi' for us after whatever horrible things you do to him."

"Au revoir, Alexander."

I checked on Philip and found him playing with his feet, lying quietly in his crib.

"Good morning, baby! You've got to let us know when you're up. We'll come get you." I cooed at him and lifted him up.

He stared at me and I took him to the changing table, changed his diaper and put him in new clothes.

"You hungry? Papi get you some breakfast? Let's see what daddy left for you."

I carried Philip into the kitchen and strapped him into his high chair. I opened the fridge and found it filled with fruits and vegetables. _Goddamn, I'm lucky. John's a good man._

I pulled out a banana and an avocado and worked carefully, employing Lafayette's knife lessons to chop them into finger-food sized pieces. I put the food on the tray of his high chair and poured myself a cup of coffee, perching on the counter next to him, across from my desk, starting to eat the remainder of the banana I sliced for him. He poked at the food, mashing it with his fingers, tasting some of it off his hands. I grinned at him.

"Guineo y aguacate, you like it? See, papi has guineo, too."

He smiled back at me and I picked up a piece of the avocado and fed it to him, he made a tiny, 'umm' sound and clapped his hands on the tray, open mouth following my empty hand. I chuckled at him.

"El aguacate es bueno?" He looked at me expectantly, "you do it, hijo."

I picked up a piece of avocado and handed it to him, he squished it in his fist and ate it. I licked some off my finger from the piece I fed him, finished the banana and watched him pick up the last green sliver and eat it. He smacked the tray again, looking for more avocado.

"All gone, sorry, come tu guineo." I pointed at the banana.

He blinked at me, mouth open, head bobbling in my direction.

"Philip, hijo, come tu guineo, eat your banana."

He frowned at the banana and slapped his tray again, waving his head, mouth still hanging open. I picked up his banana and took a little bite, making my own 'umm' sound, I squished a little bit onto my finger and popped it into his waiting mouth. He reached for the rest that was in my hand and I handed it to him.

"You do it." I reassured him.

By the time he was finished he wore green and yellow warpaint. I cleaned him up with a wipe and wiped down his highchair.

"You gonna let papi do some work?" We sat on the floor, Philip having tummy time and me, back against the couch, working on a piece for work.

John called us and I held the camera in front of Philip who narrowed his eyes at the screen, making sense of it.

"How's the first day back, querido?" I asked him.

He rolled his eyes, "fine. How are my guys?"

"We're good. We miss you."

"I miss you both, too. I'm so happy you get to stay home for a little while. I sure like James, even if he's got a weird boyfriend."

"Weird boyfriend got a job, I think!"

"Did he really?" John laughed.

Philip stared into the phone a repeated the laugh, John melted in his desk chair, resting a chin on his fist.

"The avocado was a big hit." I told him with a grin, remembering how much breakfast had ended up in Philip's little curls.

"Oh, good, 'cause remember, they said it's high enough fat that it will help him put on weight and help with brain development."

"I know, that's why I gave it to him." I said matter-of-factly. _I can do this. I can be good at this._

"I know you know. You're such a good dad already. Just a week and you're super dad. Alright, boys. I should get some work done so I can come home to you."

"Love you," I kissed in the air, and tickled Philip, "tell daddy, 'bye, love you.'"

"Alright, love you, bye, guys."

He hung up and Philip looked up at me and then at the phone and big tears welled in his eyes, I picked him up and rocked him against me, "hey, hey, daddy's just at work. You're okay, he'll be home with us tonight."

Philip calmed down as I rocked him on my chest, and fell back asleep. I rubbed his back with one hand and drew my laptop into my lap and resumed my typing now one-handed. Once he was asleep enough, I was able to move him to the middle of my chest and regain the use of both hands. James and I discussed timelines for new releases via email, it was just as easy to work from home. I was thankful that I hadn't found this job two years ago, _I'd have never left my apartment._

I grew stiff, but didn't want to move for fear of waking the baby, but once he started wiggling I took the opportunity to set him next to me and stand up and stretch and pour myself another cup of coffee. I noted the time, John would be home before long.

"Should we try and make dinner?" I asked Philip, going into the kitchen where I looked at him over the breakfast bar.

"Babababadada?" Philip leaned his head to the side.

"That's a pretty strong argument, kid."

I opened the cupboards and found the makings for grilled cheese and frozen bags of tomato soup. I buttered the bread and fried it in a skillet adding cheese between the slices. The first one came out burned, _really burned._

"That one's mine." I laughed to Philip who had occupied himself with a rattle in the shape of a duck.

I tried carefully not to burn the second sandwich, it came out a mostly… _lighter shade of black?_ Next problem, how do you unfreeze soup? I thought about calling Lafayette, but decided against interrupting whatever was happening there and turned to google.

"You put the bag in the sink with hot water and then once it melts a little you put it in a pot. Did you know that? I didn't." I chatted with Philip.

"'eh? Babadada, hee?"

"See, we both learned something new today," I glanced into the living room, he was on his elbows and knees, "well, how'd you do that?"

I wiped my hands on my pants and crouched in front of him, he rocked forwards and back, trying to figure out how to move.

"You'll get there, hijo. Keep trying."

Philip gave up his effort and rolled back over, chewing on his hands. John got home as I was stirring the now melted soup in a pot.

"Hi, baby!" He picked Philip and kissed his cheek, blowing raspberries against his neck, Philip erupted into peals of laughter.

"You made dinner?" He grinned at me.

"Sure did. I'm pretty sure it fucking sucks, though." I smiled back at him as he came to hug me.

"It's only a little smoky in here," he wrapped his free arm around me, the baby between us, his hand trailed down my back and took a handful of my ass, "look at you being all domestic and shit… I know, I know, don't stare directly at it or make any sudden movements."

My face cracked in two with a smile at our continued game of taunts about my new-found domesticity.

"When was his last bottle?" John asked.

"About two, maybe a little later?"

"Ooh, you are hungry aren't you?" He was talking to the baby again, voice light and playful.

I brought him the less burned, now also cold and soggy sandwich with a hot bowl of soup and placed it on my desk, and set my own down on the counter, that had become my new mealtime perch. John had Philip stripped out of his clothes and in his high chair, no clothes, no mess. _Brilliant. How did you not think of that?_

"Did you get him some soup?" John asked inspecting his own bowl.

"Yup, it's in the fridge cooling down."

"Perfect, I'll get him a bottle." John took a bite of his sandwich and tried his hardest not to pull a face at the blackened, cold, soggy dinner I'd presented him with.

He returned with a bottle, the small bowl of Philip's now cooler soup and a handful of cheerios.

Philip drank the bottle while we ate.

"It's really early for him to hold his own bottle." John sighed.

"He's… Independent. He's okay, querido. We have him. He's okay."

He nodded and dunked his excuse of a grilled cheese into the soup.

"Soup's alright." He smiled.

"You made it." I rolled my eyes.

"I guess you've got me there. Still nice to come home to dinner. Thank you."

"You're thanking me for that pathetic excuse for a meal?"

"No, I'm thanking you for loving me… us… enough to try."

I smiled and looked at the ground, dragging my teeth over my lip, "I do love you."

"Hey, so, good news, I got you on my insurance today, and Philip is co-insured on mine and he gets medicaid at least until the adoption is final… I also made you an eye doctor's appointment."

"Look at you holding it down, running this family."

"I try." The hooded look in his eyes didn't escape me. _Lafayette's a smart man._

John fed Philip his soup and ended up with more cheerios on the ground than in the kid. I got the broom out and swept around him once the meal was over.

"We should get a dog." He giggled.

"Hard pass." I shook my head.

"Joking. I'm joking."

"You good on baby duty? I really need to get some work done."

"'Course, just let me get out of these clothes."

"Be better if you'd stay out of them." I winked.

He blushed and disappeared into the bedroom.

I worked until John put the baby in his crib, turning on the sound machine, turning his nursery into a rainforest. John put his hands on my shoulders, rubbing the tired muscles there. I sighed and rolled my neck.

"Come to bed with me." He whispered in my ear, making it clear that he wasn't asking.

I let him escort me away from my computer, fingers still typing at the keys as I rose and stepped away until I was out of reach. John pushed me down on the bed and yanked at my clothing. I took my shirt off and he nipped at my chest, hands kneading the flesh there, hungry and searching. I pulled at his shirt he sat up over me and pulled it off his head, his toned body earning a low grunt from me as my eyes climbed over the muscles of his abs. He kicked his sweats off, down to his underwear.

"Sexy." I growled into his neck when he lie back over me.

I ran my hands over his body, fingertips tracing the insides of his thighs, I played with the hem of his boxer briefs. He gasped into my mouth and rutted against me, trapping my hands between us.

"I'm so in love with you. You're so good. You're good, Alex. You take care of us. So sexy how you take care of us."

 _I'm not that good._

I flipped us, wanting to take control before I got lost in my head.

"You like being taken care of? Think it's sexy?" I pinned his hands over his head and kissed my way down his chest.

He nodded, gasping at the wet trail I left across his abs, "so sexy."

"Oh, I'm going to take good care of you."

"Please, please." His brows reached for each other.

"Flip over." He did and I took the opportunity to slick my fingers with lube from the drawer in the side table.

He shivered against the sensations of my suckling kisses and the scratch of my goatee on his spine. I slowly traced his entrance, he bucked and I steadied his hip against me.

"Please. I need it."

I pressed a finger into him and he threw his head back, loose curls trailed down his back. I squeezed his thigh with my free hand, fingers delicately reaching for his swollen length. He squealed when I did make contact, timing it perfectly with a stroke of his prostate.

"You like this? Like how I'm touching you?"

"Like it so much." He sat back against my hand, seeking the nick of his prostate again.

I added another finger and he groaned low and guttural, "that's right, let me know how much you like it, so slutty for me sometimes, look at you bucking against me, so desperate."

"Alex, Alexander, please." I saw him flex his feet, trying to find an angle to get more leverage.

"You ready, amante?"

He nodded, his hair dancing across his spine making him shiver. I retrieved my finger and coated my length in more lube, I lined myself up behind him, pressing him lower to get the right angle despite our height difference.

"Please. Please. Ready, need it, need you in me."

I pressed the tip against him and he groaned in anticipation of the press. I steadied him with a hand on his hip and pressed in slowly, letting him relax into it. I closed my eyes, trying to stay in control, _can't hurt him._ I leaned slowly, he whined against the intrusion. The monitor on the table caught my attention, the grainy night vision camera showing Philip moving, his arms flailing, he made little snuffling noises. We froze, waiting to see what would happen next.

"Shh. Shh. Just wait a minute." I left my hand on his back, rubbing slow circles with my thumb.

"Should we?"

"Hold on," I stared at the monitor and watched Philip tense, then let out a shriek, "goddammit."

I pulled out gently and retrieved my boxers, stepping into them as I crossed the room to the door. I crossed the hall and picked Philip up.

"What's the matter, baby?" I rocked him.

He quieted in my arms and started to fall back to sleep, I kissed his forehead and put him back in his crib. I went back to our bedroom. John was on his side, staring at the grainy video feed on the monitor. I climbed in bed behind him and ran my hand down his flank.

"Where were we?" I nipped at his shoulder.

"Pretty sure you were about to have your way with me." He yawned.

"We can also just go to bed." I chuckled.

He handed me the lube, "I said, 'I'm pretty sure you were about to have your way with me.'"

"Noted." I bit harder on his shoulder and stripped out of my shorts, slicking myself once more.

He pulled his knees up in front of himself and I slid in. He leaned against my chest and relaxed slowly.

"Okay?" I confirmed.

"Great." He reached back and put a hand on my hip, the other hand holding the hand of the arm I'd slid under his neck.

I ran my fingers through his hair delicately, admiring how pretty he looked - eyes closed, lips just parted in a grin, nose crinkling - and started to move. He gasped and straightened himself out against me. I moved my hand from his hip down to his length and started to work him over in time to my movements. He whimpered at my touch and his breath caught.

"Wait, John, wait for me. Not yet." I sped up, feeling the urgency in my body.

"I can't." He breathed.

"Wait." I demanded, biting his shoulder, concentrating my efforts, feeling the pleasure well inside me.

"Hurry, Alex." His muscles tightened around me.

I choked a moan out around his shoulder and he came in my hand, pressing back into my chest. I followed him, panting in relief at the release. I slid out and we cleaned ourselves up before falling back into a sweaty tangle. John brushed my cheek and swept the sweat dampened hair away from my forehead. I mimicked the gesture on him and we grinned at one another, he rested his head on my sweaty chest and twisted his hair through my fingers. I started to doze in post-coital bliss and was jarred into awareness by Philip's cry on the baby monitor.

"Well, that lasted a long time." John winked at me and got up, pulling on my shorts and going to the baby.

Philip was harder to console this time, I could hear John sit in the rocking chair and sing to him. I couldn't help but smile, bubbling with oxytocin, exhausted from the day. Philip quieted as John continued to sing to him, the soft creak of the rocking chair a metronome. I was dozing again when he came to bed, he turned off the lamp and curled himself around me, sliding his arm under my head. I situated and rolled to face him. He tangled a fistful of my hair in his hand and kissed the top of my head.

"Goodnight, babe. I love you."

I mumbled something of a reply and let the waves of sleep pull me under.


	28. Chapter 28

**What, you thought the angst would really be over just because of Philip's cuteness? We got angst for days, y'all. I love that everyone enjoyed Lafayette in the last chapter, he's such a fun character. Mimi, to answer your question: he's French, he believes the solution to most problems is a good meal and he knows that at his core, what John wants is to be taken care of and feel loved. It's not so much like a turn-on as just someone to make you feel valued and cared for. Can't wait to hear what you think of the RETURN OF THE ANGST! I'm going out of town this weekend again... *whispers* to see Hamilton, so I may be updating less again as I'm out on the road so your patience is appreciated. Thank you eternally for the support and love for my work!**

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"Come on, baby. Papi really needs to work. You've been fed, your diaper's clean, we've played and sang and read. Please, Philip, just let papi do some work." I bounced the crying baby to no avail.

I stood up and continued to bounce him, he settled and smiled up at me.

"We better now?" I quirked an eyebrow.

As soon as I sat back in my office chair the crying started again. I swallowed and took a deep breath, dragging a hand over my face.

"How do I fix this, Philip? What do you need? You want to be by yourself? Am I the problem?" I put him on the floor next to me and he shrieked, hands reaching out and grasping for me.

I picked him back up and snuggled him against me, he pushed away from my chest and continued to sob in jagged gasps. I stroked his curls, desperate to make the crying stop, it shattered me, crumbled my heart to broken pieces to watch his lip tremble.

"Oh, hijo, okay, you're fine. Stand back up?"

I stood and the crying stopped almost immediately, "okay, I get it. We stand."

I _had_ to get this piece done today. I carried Philip into the nursery and retrieved his BabyBjörn carrier. I set him on his changing table - the screeching commenced - and worked as quickly as I could to strap it to myself, it was much harder to do alone than when John was there to help me. I secured it and held Philip against me and strapped him into the carrier. He lay his head against my chest and babbled, now content. Back in the dining room-turned-study I cleared off a tall shelf on my bookcase and set my laptop in the open space and worked standing, bouncing from foot to foot. Philip babbled happily and pulled his arms through the straps of the carrier, using the new range of motion to pat my face. _This is okay, though. This is quiet. I can work around this._

The words flowed easily through my fingers. While I still preferred to handwrite, time had become more of a precious commodity. I pressed little kisses to the top of Philip's head, gently resting my chin there while I worked. Philip clawed his way into my mouth, his little fingers poking at my gums and teeth.

"What are you doing?" I asked him in a garbled voice, not breaking pace with my keystrokes.

He babbled a response and I made a chomping noise, closing my lips around his hand, he giggled in delight. I shifted our weight to my other foot and kept working, leaning around his head to drink my coffee.

Philip continued to poke at my face… mouth… nose, rubbing his forehead against my goatee, one of his favourite pastimes, amused by the tickling sensation of the texture. He continued to babble and I started reading what I was typing out loud just to give him something to listen to, I liked the audience and the pediatrician had suggested that the more we talked to him the quicker and deeper his bond with us would become. We stood and worked for an hour. I was able to finish the project and sent it on its merry way to James.

"Okay, hijo. Can papi sit now? We can play and take a break."

I let him out of the carrier and set him down on his playmat with his toys and raised my hands over my head, feeling my vertebrates stretch and pop as I did. My phone rang and I answered it, putting it on speakerphone.

"'Sup?" Philip babbled behind me.

John laughed, "hi you, eye doctor called, your glasses are in, want me to go get them on my way home?" He'd been right about my eyes, and my 20/70 prescription confirmed it.

Philip squealed, hearing John's voice and sat himself up reaching for my phone.

"You mind?" I pinched the bridge of my nose, realizing the headache that had formed from squinting at my computer.

"Nope, not at all."

Philip reached more desperately for the phone.

"Someone wants to talk to you," I chuckled and held the phone out to Philip who babbled into it, mostly vowels and spluttery raspberries.

"Hi, baby. Hi Philip. Are you being good? Daddy'll see you tonight, okay? I love you!"

Philip pointed at the phone and stared at me in wide-eyed shock. I raised my eyebrows back in mock surprise.

"Talk to you later, querido." I hung up and Philip started crying… again.

"Coño." I sighed and blew out a breath, picking him up to no avail.

"Let me guess, more standing?" I strapped the carrier back on and put the crying baby in it against my chest. He settled once I stood up, "well, this is fun, isn't it?"

He pulled at my hair, his grip stronger than ever, I looped it up into a bun out of his reach and tried to get more done, feeling anxious about how far behind I was, _maybe not behind, but I certainly wasn't ahead where I like to be._

We spent the next two hours alternating between me reading to him… while standing. Me working… while standing. Me singing to him… while standing. John got home and Philip kicked his feet, clapping his hands down on my chest, head wobbling. I was _still_ standing, working at my computer from its new home on my bookshelf.

"What's this?" John giggled taking in the sight of my new workspace.

"He won't let me sit down. We've been standing all day." I grumbled and shook my head, noting how heavy it felt after hours of the baby being strapped to me.

"I'm sorry. Come here, baby, let's give papi a break from you, crazy head." He helped Philip out of the carrier and the infant's disposition changed immediately, all smiles.

"What the hell?" I rolled my eyes.

"Sorry, babe. Probably just the change of scenery. Are you okay? You look kind of rough."

"Long day."

"I'm sorry, Alex. I wish I could be here more."

I sighed and rolled my shoulders. John put his cheek on Philip's forehead, I noticed his face.

"Everything okay?" I asked him.

"Has he felt warm today?"

I shrugged, "not really, no more than usual that I noticed."

"Come here."

I put the back of my hand on Philip's cheek, he smiled at the touch, "he's a little warm."

John squinted at the baby's mouth and ran his finger around it and grinned at me, "I think I know why he's been fussy all day for you."

I furrowed my brows and ran my finger around the inside of his mouth and felt the little bump, front and center on his bottom gums. I smiled at John, "is that-"

"-he's working on his first tooth."

"That explains so much, I'll get him some Motrin."

John nodded and snuggled Philip to him, I got the motrin and fixed the appropriate dose.

"Hey, let me make you some dinner? I know you had a long day."

"That would be great."

"I think we have a teether in the freezer." He went and retrieved it, popping it into Philip's mouth.

I played with him on the floor and watched him work the teether over his gums. _Idiot. All you needed to do to make him better. Couldn't do that._ I played peek-a-boo with him and John called me to dinner where I sat on the edge of the counter, giving him the desk chair, letting him feed Philip for the first time today.

"I really need to get some work done." I sighed.

John nodded and started to hurry to finish his meal to give me my desk back.

"I'll just work on the couch." I put my plate in the sink and grabbed my laptop and papers, retreating to the living room.

"Hey, get your glasses, they're in my bag."

"I'll worry about it later."

I started working, reference papers scattered around me. John bathed the baby and put him down for bed, poured himself a glass of wine and came into the living room. I was fully immersed in my work. He moved some of my papers to the table and sat beside me.

"I was using those." I grumbled, wishing I had _any_ work space.

"Oh, sorry. I just wanted to come sit by you and talk to you." He put his arm behind my head and ran a hand over my neck.

"That's very sweet of you, but I have to get caught up." I picked up the papers, my movements a little bit more sharp and angular than I wanted them.

"Okay, I'll just sit by you."

I blew out a breath and read the papers in my hand, still typing the information one-handed as I held them to read since my workspace had rapidly diminished, I reached for the pencil I'd set beside me where he sat and found nothing but him, flustering me.

"Godammit, where's my pencil? You came in here and sat down and now my shit's all-"

He set his jaw - I'd pissed him off, _good, yes, displace me while I work odd hours, doing the job I couldn't do earlier while you worked alone in your office, then get mad at me, great -_ and grabbed my head, pulling it towards him, he pulled the pencil free from my messy hair and handed it to me, I bit my lip and took it from his hand, shame not allowing me to make eye contact.

"You want to check your attitude?" He gulped back his wine and stood up, set his glass in the kitchen and padded off to our bedroom, I was sure I heard him mumble, 'asshole,' but it could have just been my demons talking.

I worked, too prideful, too tired, too busy to go to him. I stroked the keys like I was angry with them and not myself and itched for a long forgotten cigarette. Time drug on and I got to a point where I felt I'd done enough to go bed. I'd simmered down and had mostly forgotten about our spat.

I found him in bed, arms crossed, eyes wet, his chiseled jaw flexing.

"You're still mad? Why do you get to be mad?" I huffed, taking my clothes off to change for bed.

"Does it even matter?" He wiped his face with the heel of his hands.

"Well, yes… I don't want you just in here hating me for hours." I crawled into bed.

"I'm not even mad… I wish I was mad, it's not even about you," he curled up against me, wrapping his arms around my waist, "I feel like I'm failing the two most important people in the world."

I was taken aback as I suddenly tried to console him, "what? How?"

"Because you had such a bad day and I wasn't here and then I made things worse and made you mad. I just wanted to be by you. I'm not going to be there enough."

"I just… I'm just tired. You didn't do anything wrong, querido. I did have a long day, but it's a long day we wanted. We knew there would be hard days."

"Adams is such a jerk." He nuzzled into me.

"I know. I don't miss that shit for a minute. You had a hard day, too?"

He nodded against my chest. I sighed, feeling like an even bigger piece of shit, and stroked his hair.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I whispered against his hair.

"Well, I did, but I pissed you off…" he trailed off.

I picked his chin up and pressed a kiss to his lips, "misunderstanding. I'm an asshole. Talk to me... Always talk to me."

He worried the inside of his cheek and knit his brows together, his voice was so small, "I'm being sent on assignment again."

"Okay. John, that's okay. We'll be fine. Where to? When? How long?"

He picked at the duvet, "I leave Thursday, going to Florida for the rover launch. Be gone for four days or so… but… but Philip's teething and won't let you work… and you look exhausted… I've had to be at work so much… He isn't even gonna know me."

"We can do four days, that's doable. Besides, you should be excited, you love space, that's really cool that you get to go. I'll take care of me, exhaustion is my blood type… and what do you mean he won't know you? How could he not, you're his daddy."

"But I'm gone so much."

"I would be, too, if I still worked with you."

He softened at this, "I guess."

"Besides, I was listening to you while you were giving him his bath, you singing to him was maybe the cutest shit I've ever heard, he loves you so much."

"Yeah?" He smiled at me hopefully.

I tucked a loose strand from his ponytail behind his ear, "yeah. We'll be okay, John."

"We'll be okay."

"And besides, you're set with orphan money, you get pissed enough at Adams just tell him to go fuck himself… It feels really good." I grinned playfully.

"God, I can only imagine… but I like working."

"I know… Just, it's an option."

He nodded, "I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"For having to go. For making you mad. For everything."

I turned off the lamp on the table and held him against me, "don't apologize. You've done nothing wrong. I was the asshole."

"Okay," he sighed, "you're my asshole, though."

"And don't you forget it."


	29. Chapter 29

**Phew! This is the end of the road for this installment. Don't worry, the third is already mapped out and it's my hope to have it rocking this weekend. Thank you all so much for coming on this adventure. I feel bonded to all my readers, I'm a pretty lucky human. Can't wait for you to see what comes next!**

* * *

"I still don't know why you think we need to be friends with the Burrs." I complained.

"They're our only 'parent' friends."

"Angelica has a kid."

"She has a _kid_ , though. The Burrs have a baby. Just… it'll be fun. I really like Theodosia."

"Okay. Question, though. Where are we going to eat?" determined to poke holes into his plan.

John sighed, seeming not to have considered this, "family style on the couch."

 _Come on, I don't want Burr to see us be real people, he's supposed to think… ugh,_ "fine," I mumbled.

"You're such a petulant teenager sometimes, Alex. The power in that eye roll alone could be harnessed to bend steel." he smirked at me.

"I am not…" I crossed my arms, trying to puff myself up into being mad, but a smile broke free from my lips before I could catch it, "good use of 'petulant,' though."

He flipped his hair and inspected his nails, saying carelessly, "oh, did you like that? Thanks, see, I'm married to this really smart guy and so it just gives me this giant vocabulary that I don't know what to do with."

""Don't know what to do with it,' that sounds about right," I chuckled and grabbed a handful of his ass, "what was it you said last week, 'it's got plenipotentiary,'" was that it, because you thought that meant 'plenty of potential?'"

He blushed, "that's what it sounds like! I've heard you use it."

"Yeah, I work for a political publication, of course I use plenipotentiary."

"I still have no clue what that actually means," he giggled.

"It's like a powerful person in politics that's given executive decision making abilities, mostly when visiting other countries."

He nodded slowly, eyes glazing.

"But you used 'petulant' very well."

He rolled his eyes, "what a high compliment."

Unable to let wasting my last night with John on the _Burrs_ of all people go, I grumbled, "ugh, do they have to come over? Can't we just cancel and you know… do something better?" I jumped up to sit on the counter behind him to make myself taller than him and wrapped my arms around his shoulders, pulling him in between my legs.

"That does sound fun." His voice was breathy.

"More fun than _the Burrs_. You're leaving me tomorrow, I don't really want to share you." I growled and anchored my heel around his hip and held onto the lapels of his sportcoat.

He swallowed hard and kissed me, I kissed him back, enjoying him being the one to lean up for once, breaking apart just to savour the sight of his neck elongated up, stretching to meet me, begging me to suck and bite my way across his throat to the creamy skin of his collarbone.

"I have to finish dinner." He panted.

"Let you finish something else later." I bit my lip and reached a hand between his legs, surveying the territory, pleased to find the tightness in his jeans.

"Dinner. They're probably already on their way." He reminded both of us.

"If you say so. Could just lock the door and pretend no one's home." I kissed him again, dragging my teeth over his bottom lip before sauntering into the living room to check on Philip where he was laying on his playmat, reaching for the suspended toys.

"I hate you." He grumbled, I watched him shake his leg while shifting his hips, trying to find a way to make his pants fit better and grinned at my handiwork.

"You can join my anti-fan club."

"Join it? I'm the president." He winked at me.

John was just finishing dinner when the Burrs arrived. Aaron had dark bags under his eyes and wore the most casual clothing I'd ever seen him in, Theodosia looked more put together, but equally careworn. I had Philip on my hip and Theodosia gushed over him while Aaron got their daughter out of her carseat.

"Nice to see you both." I smiled.

John came in and wiped his hands on the towel over his shoulder and cooed at the littler Theodosia. Philip, ever inquisitive, stared from his perch at my hip at the younger baby, watching John with her.

"Please have a seat." John offered of the couch.

We settled around the coffee table to eat, I felt the need to apologize for our lack of a proper table.

"It's New York, there's never enough room." Burr laughed off my apology. _Damned charismatic._

I smiled, feeling like I wore my _poorness_ on my sleeve, despite our lavish apartment.

"You can say that again, serious shock to the system coming from the house I grew up in. I thought I was living in a matchbox when I got up here." John agreed.

"Where are you from, again?" Theodosia asked.

John finished chewing his bite of salad, "South Carolina, uh, Charleston. You?"

"Jersey, Aaron and I both are."

John nodded. Theodosia complimented John's cooking, Burr agreeing that he wasn't sure they'd had a sit down meal since the baby came.

"You have a good place for me to change Thea?" Theodosia asked as we sat around chatting after dinner.

"Yeah, absolutely, here, follow me, this one's due, too." He picked up Philip and led Theodosia to the nursery, leaving Burr and I alone.

"You a whiskey man?" I guessed.

"Scotch, but whiskey's fine." He offered a glowing smile.

"Can I offer you a snifter?" I got up to get my own pour.

"Yes, please, that sounds… God, that sounds great. Thank you."

"You take it neat? Straight up? On the rocks?" I pulled down the glasses.

"Just neat's fine."

I brought him his glass and he took it gratefully, I sat back on the couch across from him.

He held his glass toward me, "to fatherhood?"

I clinked his glass with my own, "to fatherhood."

He took a drink, I watched him power through the burn, his face betraying little of the sting, his eyes bore into his glass and finally broke the silence, "hardest damned thing I've done."

I pushed my glasses up my nose, still getting used to their presence, and took a drink, "amen, I just… he smiles and I fall apart."

Aaron took another drink, "this world's so messed up, I wonder sometimes if bringing another baby into it was the right decision, but it just makes me want to work harder to make the world a better place, I'd bleed and fight for her… just make it right for her."

I nodded listening in the background to John and Theodosia's laughter from the nursery, "I just want to make the world safe and sound for him, Jesus, I'm making a million mistakes." I took a drink.

He chuckled, "me, too. They'll figure it out, though, someday they'll blow us all away."

"I don't doubt that. It's… I don't even know, pride's not the word I'm looking for… there's, there's so much more."

"Alexander Hamilton, speechless? Goddamn, I didn't know you came with that setting."

Our spouses came back, each other's babies in tow, "look, she's gonna be this big someday!" Theodosia looked between Philip in her arms and her own baby in John's.

John sat beside me, "can you believe we missed out on when he was this little?"

We all talked parenthood until the evening grew late, little Thea was long asleep in her carseat, Philip sleeping on John's chest. The Burrs left, looking completely exhausted. I locked up the door after them.

"Was that better than you thought it would be?" John whispered, stroking Philip's back.

"I guess." I rolled my eyes.

"I don't want to leave tomorrow."

I traced Philip's ear, "I know. I don't want you to go, either."

"I'm gonna get some really cool pictures of liftoff." He tried to find a smile.

"Yeah, you fucking are." I beamed at him.

"I just want to hold him forever. Little Thea made me realize how much we've missed already. I don't want to miss more."

"Not our faults, we got him as soon as we could."

"I know, just, what do you think he looked like when he was new?"

I contemplated it, "...squishier."

"Squishier? That's the best you've got?"

I shrugged, "pinker. I still don't get how it's possible for him to look so much like you."

"You feeling alright about holding it down while I'm gone?"

"Yup, I'll have to brave the grocery store, but, I think I can manage."

"I know you can… and remember, lotion after his bath."

I rolled my eyes, "you and your lotion obsession… yeah, yeah, I'll do it."

"Wouldn't hurt you to use lotion every once in a while with those ashy elbows."

"My elbows are fine." I furrowed my brows.

He giggled, "your elbow cut me last week while we were sleeping."

"Oh, fuck off, quit making stuff up." I chuckled at him.

"You sure you're gonna be okay?"

I leaned against him, trying to offer reassurance, "of course, we'll be fine. You going to let me show you how much I'll miss you?"

"I still need to pack." He winced.

"Christ, really? You leave in nine hours."

"I just didn't want to make it real yet."

I squeezed his knee, "you're going to be fine. We're going to be fine."

He nodded.

"Come on, let's put the baby down and we can get you packed… and _then_ I can finally give you something to remember me by."

"Like what?"

"Morally, I can't tell you while you're holding our child."

He put Philip down for the night while I drug out his suitcase and, together, we got him packed, getting distracted in conversation.

"I haven't had a chance to tell you yet!" John gasped.

"What?"

"Remember how you said Laf's cousin got a job?"

"Yeah?"

"It's at the embassy. He's apparently some political affairs liaison, sort of like what Laf does. I got the scoop from Laf, apparently the dude's ambitious."

"How many liaisons do they need?"

John shrugged.

"That guy is such a pompous ass. Can't stand him."

We were done packing him, finally, and flopped into bed.

"I think I have everything." He curled up against me in bed and picked at the duvet.

"We'll be okay." I promised.

"I know."

I kissed his hair and turned off the lamp. In the darkness his lips found mine, we kissed slowly and sweetly. Hands on faces, lips soft and supple, legs weaving together. Our kisses slowed, becoming more and more tender the sleepier we got. I held him pressed against me and felt his eyelashes flutter shut on my cheek.

I lie in the darkness and listened to him sleep, holding him warm and pliant against me, watching the video feed on the monitor on the table on my side of the bed of Philip sleeping in his crib, he made little snuffling sounds, warm and cozy in his sleeper.

All was right in the world. _More right than it should be, than I could ever hope to deserve._ Somehow I had it, though, found a husband who loved, a baby we adored, a good job, _a future._ Things were okay. I was okay. I was better than I'd been in years.

John curled up tighter to me, his breath warm on my neck as he snored softly. I drew lazy circles on his back and stretched, nuzzling back against him, content with life and thought about everything we had waiting for us still, the million things we hadn't done.

Philip smacked his lips and I could hear the soft sounds of his rolling over in his crib, already so big. Hardly the scared, sick baby we'd brought home a month ago. He was surrounded by family and friends to love and dote on him. People who wanted good for him, wanted him to be happy and healthy and cared for… like what they wanted for me. We both had a community, taken in and grounded by John's love _\- his goodness._

Things were okay.


End file.
